Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Last Night at the Gibson - Ceci © 2015

So... there is this girl.

She used to see monsters everywhere. She battled everyone she felt was coming at her, coming for her. She gave into her feelings of distrust and anger more often than not.

Even now, she sometimes feels a shard of pain and anger growing and she reaches for it to sustain her. She feeds it so it grows because there's something freeing, something that feels good, about giving into it. The anger, once a spark, starts to blaze through in one quick flash... and the feeling both excites and frightens her.

Maybe it excites her because it makes her feel powerful over what she's dealing with. Maybe it frightens her because it excites her.

Either way, she ends up somewhat startled. Because she enjoys it and because it scares her.

This is new, though. In the end, she just ends up tired... very tired... and lost... and more than a little concerned at the anger and at giving into it. After that... she just feels... worried and rattled apart.

When she sees her symptoms in others, she wants to help but sometimes feels as though she comes across as wrong, as pushy. She wonders if she's projecting.

Other times she feels sure that she sees the symptoms in others and she gets angry that NO ONE IS LISTENING! ... just like they didn't listen before.
...
She's always had a problem with people not listening to her, not understanding her.

But what if she's right???

But what if she's wrong and is only convinced she's right because she wants to be?

Maybe this is where the anger stems from... anger so strong she feels like feeding it as soon as it sparks, wants to feel that release instead of keeping it in. Wants to make it grow.

She tried meditation.
She tried breathing.

She found that she ends up scared when she tries to let go whilst meditating. There's something scary out there and she's not sure what. Sometimes it feels like she can see answers and for that, it's worth it.

She also learned that she sucks at breathing. She needs to learn to breathe.