Thursday, May 11, 2017

... but it slipped my mind.


So, I've been busy, then not busy... and now I'm just crazy.

That is to say, I've been all over the place in my head... mostly manic but the depression has been hitting deeply. I feel like I might rattle apart most times and others I just can't help but let the world get to me. The people. The government. My friends and family. The world. I am sad for all they go through... I wish I could fix it... I wish they didn't feel that way.

This is how my mind works these days. The world and anyone's suffering makes me sad.

"I fall asleep in my own tears
I cry for the world
for everyone
and I build a boat to float in
I'm floating

I cant recall the last time
I opened my eyes
to see the world as beautiful
and I build a cage to hide in
I'm hiding
I'm trying
To battle the night"

I really don't like being dramatic. It's kind of not my thing... or at least mostly in my head... which sometimes I let slip into my actions. And maybe this is why I can't let it show. Most times I feel like yelling, "I'm falling apart!" but I just can't really see me do that... so I kind of crumple inside.

I've been trying to battle my monsters with what I can. It doesn't always work because, as Tracy pointed out (hi, Tracy) I'm not using all my skills. Like writing on here. Also, talks with her/basically talking about all this.


I think I believe that I can get through it on my own because I have skills. HOWEVER! It has come to my attention (again, thank you, Tracy) that I'm forgetting some crucial skills.

So here I am. Blogging again.

"I stand behind a wall of people and thoughts
Mind controlling
And I hold a sword to guide me
I'm fighting
My way."

I'm in and out of feeling strong enough to do this and feeling like I'm rattling apart... because I can feel it and I almost expect a visible tremor.

In talking to my sister today, I think one source of my problem is fighting myself to do what I want to do. I mean... let's be honest. What I really want to do is write. Currently, I'm afforded the time to write by having part-time jobs. It doesn't make much money, but I have a goodly amount of time to write. I haven't really been doing it, though because there are always a million things that "should" take precedent. I have to get over that and remember that this is top priority. It's one of my jobs. It's important to me.

I. Must. Do. THIS!

So yeah... I battle me. Self-loathing, self-doubting, ... oh and have I mentioned that I don't feel right in my own skin? I feel like I'm wearing someone else's skin... a bigger someone else. I just feel... uncomfortable. And I can't seem to shed it.

Soooo... yeah.
Hopefully a more entertaining post.

Lyrics from Warrior by Aurora