Monday, May 22, 2017

Picture posted on an NPR article from the riots in Vancouver after losing the Stanley Cup. 

Woo! Mental Health issues!

SO... sometimes when the boyo is having a hard time holding the crazy in check and I'm having a hard time with his hard time because I'm also having a hard time holding the crazy in check (follow me?)... I get a little scared in general. Like... like it's all so scary. It's scary because he has his depression issues and demons and I have my bipolar issues and demons. 

See those pictures up there??? Yeah... it's like that. It's both of us hanging on for dear life and recognizing that we have each other... which is comforting and pretty scary. Scary because sometimes neither of us feel like we have the manual and are teetering closer to the edge. 

I find myself getting REALLY close to him at night and holding on VERY tightly. I hold him and I think about what he's going through and all the thoughts racing in my head... and I feel like I'm falling. So I hold on tighter.   

Currently, my heart feels like it's beating 1000x per second. As in, as I type this. I can't think of a song to listen to that will calm it. Everything feels abrasive, like burlap against my skin. 

I mean... it could be the tea but I've only had one cup.  

I'm trying to embrace all the fears knowing that I've got a boyo who sometimes tries to do the same... even when he fails. I don't always embrace them well, mind you, but I try. 

For example, I always have a moment when I think about the book I'm writing and I think, "What the hell am I doing?! I have no business writing this!" For a second there I say, "Nope, not doing that anymore," and I truly convince myself I'm not going to do it. For a second. Then I reach out to embrace it (resisting all the way) and say, "Yes, yes I am because I have to see what happens. I'll never know if I don't do this." 

Still, I feel pretty fucking scared.

This kind of drives me crazy! But I can't spend all my time being scared and anxious even if I am because I HAVE TO to do something about all this. It's daunting, but I have to. This goes for work as well. I focus too much of where it's going/what it'll look like in the future and less on right now and learning... and trying for what I love. 

Maybe it's a bipolar thing. Maybe I have to learn that nothing will ever fully suit because I don't always have control... and that's ok. With bipolar, things change quickly... well, at least with Bipolar I... or maybe just me. I don't know. 

I feel out of the loop with my crazy these days so I bought some books. I'm hoping they help because I'm feeling a bit out of control. 

My current Bipolar read.

So I'm going to read, keep up the running (adding yoga on days I can't), keep up the Tracy therapy/hangouts (is it therapy if you're hanging out with a friend??), embracing everything that scares me, and holding on to Stephen (he's a good cuddler).


Unknown said...

I have faith in you, Ceci. I understand that only goes so far, but wanted to say it. You got this, even when it feels like a salad spinner.

Ceci Virtue said...

Thanks, luvie <3 It actually does help. :)