Reconciling Saints

SO!

it seems that I'm a raging alcoholic. YES! That's right, I've been hard charging 'cause... well it's been birthday week... and I've done nothing but DRINK. This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing in my world. It might be in yours... but, whatever. So today I... ok WE decided that we weren't going to our usual happy hour because we needed a break from the drinking.

WELLL.... cut to a few hours later and I've finished the vodka (mind you, there was only enough for 2...ok MAYBE 3 tall vodka and lime juice), plus I'm finishing (have finished by the time it posts) off the big jug o' wine (it's not actually a jug but one of those big 750 ml bottles).

...

I worry...
I called my favorite alcoholic, Stephen, and he didn't answer so here I am, subjecting poor Da5id and William (one of whom is hiding out playing W.O.W. and the other is actually putting up with me and talking... your guess as to which is which).

So .... SO!
aside from my slightly worried check on myself... I'm thinking of a shit load of things.

Right now I'm remembering my childhood... and I'm thinking of my choice as to how I choose not to be a parent... and I'm thinking of the really hard times when I thought it definitely couldn't get any worse than this, and I'm thinking of music that I lost and then found again.

I spent most of this "off" night talking to friends and listening to music. I talked to Matt whom I haven't talked to in quite some time.... and I talked to William about music, new and old.

This drunken rambling is not the point.

The point is that I've touched on a lot of "touchy" subjects with William in my very light way of doing so and he makes it SO EASY! This, I keep thinking, is how it should be. I should be able to talk to all my friends so easily about things.
... hmmmm... this, however, again is not my point.

So I want to talk about the lessons I've learned in that way that I have of talking about this so easily.

There are lessons to everything and none of them are easy, but all of them are worth it. That, in a nutshell, ladies and jellyspoons, is what it's all about. For me, life ticks down to the lessons I've learned, all of them hard and all of them worth it. I think a few months ago I posted something about how if you're not feeling like you're going to throw up, then it's not worth it... or something of the sort.

Look... I'm here to tell you I've survived, if that's what you want to call it, a lot of shit. I've dealt with depression and I'm still here. I've been through 2 abortions (yes, that's right... it's the choice I made, and no matter what, I don't question these choices) and I'm still here. I've been married (twice) and divorced (only once... and I hope that that remains such... but to preserve me, I do hope you know I'll do it again) and I'm still here. I've been arrested but never convicted(The DA threw it out) and I'm still here... Life throws some CRAZY shit at you, but you know what? You'll still be there... and you'll be better for it.

Heartbroken? maybe.
Confused? For the time being, most definitely!
Alive? Very much so!

Sometimes you come across things, and for me these are usually songs, that remind you of the wounds. I can't help but listening to them. Wounds, especially the ones that have been scabbed over, are just marks that remind me that I'm alive. This is life. This is all part of it. I wouldn't want anything more than this... I don't want anything less... if I don't feel, then how the hell am I living.

Right now, literally... right now... I found a song that I seriously had forgotten all about until I played the whole Here CD.

The song is Scava by Here and it has me in tears. I used to listen to this album on the way to work... and it wasn't long after the Kate Bush episode (as I like to call it) when John had told me that maybe...just maybe we didn't have to share everything with each other. I would get to work... early, back in those days... and before I could begin my miserable ('cause that's how it felt) little day, I would play this song. It was ... knowing... just knowing that this was it, that I wasn't happy. It's odd that I can still feel that feeling of, well, almost hopelessness now... the feeling of, "What have I done and how am I going to get out of this?" that overwhelms me just listening to this.

...

Sometimes one gets stuck in a situation where one wonders, "How in the hell am I going to get through this?" or even a "Please, just let me get through this." I've been there and... I've survived all this and more. So... it's just part of my life... it's just part of learning. I know how it looks, and I know how it sounds... but seriously, people, some of the toughest things one has to do in life, are also the most liberating, and the more I go through, the more I want... well, More!

I don't get much pay right now, I don't have a place to call home and I sure as hell don't have a lot of money... but MAN! I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have Da5id, I have a path and a dream to follow, and most importantly, I have me!

and I've never wanted more...