Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Exile

I'm still here...

sometimes I have to remember that. I'm trying very hard to keep strong and keep positive.

SO!
*claps hands and rubs them*

enough of that.

Let's just say that things have gotten a bit difficult, and if you don't know the story, well, maybe one day I'll tell you. Right now, however, I cannot.

So, my current little... adventure, let's call it... has me with lots of time. It also has me as a virtual recluse. Two things I'm getting a lot of time to do are
a) go to the gym
b) write

I was talking to London about this and I said it would be funny if this little exile finds me only able to write for a living... and I'm going to add to that keeping fit.
I kinda like that. I think that's a good thing to come out of this whole mess.

During the day... one of the first things I do when I wake up in the morning is have a little something to eat, then go to the gym. It helps me refocus. It also makes me feel stronger and... cleansed, as though with each mile I run, I gain some strength and prove to myself that I am strong. The more I sweat, the more I feel as though I'm being cleansed, letting out all the bad things; in a sense, shedding my skin.

It really makes me want a make-over because... well, because I feel that after this exile, I'm going to come out a bit changed. I think I'm going to come out stronger, wiser, ...hopefully only a little jaded, and ... better.

What would I do? Well, mostly I'm thinking of my hair... I want it blue again... and I want it short... and shaved under (that could be the freakin' heat wave we've had here coming out!). It might also be that my hair is going through an... I dunno... identity crisis??? Something, but it's very frizzy and unruly and there's no getting it to do what I want it to do.

I'd also get a new wardrobe... however, that's something I've been working on doing since October. I'd like clothes that are more me... and some that I can wear in hot weather, 'cause I don't really have any of those. A lot of that comes from the fact that I hide my body a lot, I've realized.

I also would like to stay stronger... keep up the running and the spin class 'cause of how it helps me feel. I think that will help me out with the clothing situation as well. Go fig! I want to be able to run when I have to, to be strong when I have to... to really feel my muscles moving.

Something right now feels very zen to me. They say that trials and tribulations are thrown our way to make us stop and think, to re-examine what our life is like. From my current perspective, which is living on the outside looking in, I can see that I need to slow down and really take a look at everything and what is important to me and who my friends are... not to mention that I never knew that my family supports me... truly supports me. I don't think I ever gave anyone enough credit, or rather, didn't think that when it came right down to it, I wouldn't be pushed away. For this, I'm sorry and I was mistaken.

Thank you all who light a candle in the dark for me. It means... so much.

As for what I do, I write... mostly by night, and whenever I can. Right now, Lights in the Attic by the Static Age provides a soundtrack as I sit in this room in a house that no one knows of. I sit in a comfy bed with a bedside table light on and the fan blowing coolly on me while I write. This, for me right now, is heaven... and I couldn't be happier here. Yet, when I think of the future and this holding pattern I'm in, it's all so unstable and unknown that it makes me panic just a little. The butterflies start to flutter in my tummy and I feel as one feels when a wound is touched - as though my thoughts were actually connected to the nerve endings in my body.

I have to think that, whatever the future brings, I can do this. I am strong enough.

6 comments:

David said...

yay! glad to hear... or read rather, about this new outlook. i think thats a pretty damn strong start.

L^2

Da5id said...

You rule!

Bringing Up Ben said...

You ARE strong enough. And you are getting even stronger.

thistle said...

I need a workout buddy. :(

I light ALL the freaking candles in the house, baby, all of em.

x

Neely said...

You make exile sound like heaven! As much as life in a holding pattern could be craptastik you seem to be making more of this time than most people who are out there living. I don't really know your situation now but I am imagining that there is a tangible end to this exile in the not so distant future? Keep your eyes on that but keep your head and heart with you and keep making the most of this time, one day you may look back on it as a gift?
<3

Ceci said...

Thank you guys... really, it does mean a lot to me to have you out there thinking of me. I'm trying to make the most of this, although I never forget what it is that's keeping me here. I guess I'm trying to get more out of this and not... not just focus on the bad stuff. I don't exactly feel like I'm having a good time here, but I'm definitely trying to better myself.
:)