Sunday, January 6, 2008

fuck this shit

yes... you heard me

fuck this shit

people have warned me that this would happen... that with all the stress, we're bound to go for each other's throats...

and here we are....
and mind you... it's not from my stressing... at least i don't think

since... wednesday? thursday? i've been freaking out... but da5id reminded me that we're tackling things... and he said " see? we're doing this here, and that there... and we'll have this done by tomorrow..." and then we started doing them... and i wasn't so scared anymore...
in fact... i think we've done a pretty good job of tackling the things that needed to get done. sure there's still stuff to ship.... but i can do that on monday and still be on time. no problem. in fact, i started feeling a little more in control of the situation... and i wondered how i'd get sleep since i was so hyped up about the coming week anyway.... and good thing because that will allow me the time to do these things... i can get them done now, after work...in the late night when i work best.

....

for the past 2 nights i've been trying to communicate with da5id who's been edgy... frustrated... tired... all understandable... but tonight... i've had it. and i told him that i should have set up a final meeting with vanessa just about now to remind us of all the things that we have learned... of how to communicate 'cause i'm sure he's lost it and might be losing the skill all together.

so tonight... tonight was the first argument in a long time where i thought... well shit...maybe he doesn't get it.

....

i'm not afraid to walk away now... because i will NOT do this again... will not be with someone that cannot communicate with me... that does not see what he has in his hands.
...and sure it's a ticking time bomb...but it's precious! and unique! and won't explode if handled correctly...
i'm a volatile substance... so extreme care needs to be taken

thus far i'm having a hard time of it... and he's not getting it... and he's relying on me to do a lot of things which, shit! if he's so concerned about them, why the FUCK doesn't he do them himself?!

i mean, honestly?! who does he think he is? john?!

so here i am with a bad taste in my mouth of all the things that went wrong last time... and maybe i'm overreacting... but this is the WRONG time for him to forget everything we've learned from Vanessa.

and i WILL leave him... i'll fly to kentucky with amanda and stephen if need be. or stay in portland with kat...
but i won't do that again

and right now???
right now where is he whilst i'm in the middle of typing this?!
he's on the phone.. with his best friend giving him advice on his love life.

HA!

and wouldn't it be something if i just left?
right now?

bought a plane ticket to anywhere and vanished???

it's tempting, ladies and jellyspoons, it's tempting

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Where ever you go....there you are"