Reconciling Saints

ok....

I have to admit I'm not a very good adult...
I forget things... important things...simple things...

Like... postage stamps...
and pens....
and weighing the envelopes to see how much postage they needed...
and verifying addresses....'cause people move
*shakes head*

some days i think i have no business being an adult

SO the invitation...er... put together party went well....
aside from the above stated facts, that is
Thanks to Dora for her house and help, and Liz, Chloe and Joe for coming along to put them all together...

oh and thanks for the cupcakes, Liz!

We had a pretty good time
and I have to say this because Dora mentioned that she would probably be all over my blog :)
when we first got there Dora asked me if I had brought pens to which I think I responded with a blank stare. Then she gave me that mom look she's gotten so good at and asked me about the stamps... to which I think I grimaced and sorter mumbled an apology and said that I had totally spaced on it.

oof! did i feel like a doofus.

rightly so, I was teased about this for the rest of the night.

seriously, there are lots of times when I wonder... am I ever going to be responsible? am I ever going to learn to do the things that I need to? I still don't think I make a very good adult... which is another reason I think the whole "real wedding thing" scares me.
I know I know.... this sounds silly... it sounds like I'm just giving in. It's also something that I should just use more sense on. *shrugs*

Still, this always happens to me when I have to do something a little more... responsible? It's like... I don't do responsible. I have no idea how to... that chip was never put in me. It's not a far stretch to do these things... but it still seems to be something I easily forget. I think that's why I always feel like I'm not an adult... I feel like a kid when it comes to certain things...
Especially when it comes to how to dress for certain events...

ok I have to go to work now... it's the one thing I do... somewhat responsibly.
I wish I could stay home to better fight off this cold.

ugh!

what are you doing this friday, october the 26th????
do you....
think you can come around to chez nous and help us put the invitations together???

drinks allowed...but only clear liquids ( so that means that vodka is ok)

WELL!?!?!?!?

Taking Scott out reminded me of why I used to have a problem with leaving LA. There are SOOOOOO many neat things here.

What happened?

I forgot about them and/or don't do them anymore. A good example: shows... concerts rather. I used to go to tons and there was no way that you could miss someone... who didn't stop in LA?? When Radiohead toured for Kid A, they did only 7 shows in the country.... country? world? I think it was country... yeah.... and of course...they played the Greek Theater and Alinka, London and I got tickets...and it was amazing. They also played a small show at the Troubadour right before OK Computer.... Then there's the Madness show I saw at the Troubadour which was incredible... However, i don't do these things anymore... and it's very sad.

I don't hang out at the Kitty anymore, or Lola's... or go to any of the many dance clubs I used to love to go stomp around at.
...
why??
...
and how much will i miss it when I go away?

I'm trying to hold it together here... mainly 'cause I'm actually, mentally ok.

However, there are little things that keep happening that are causing some cracks...
like...work...some days...still....I want to walk out. I can't help but think...there's more to me than this... and i spend WAY too much time and energy here. Ever since I've started to write more, work has begun to bore me. I find the stocking monotonous and I hate worrying about all we have to order and stupid kids who don't care that we're trying to get work done... and people who call in "sick."
I'm looking for a way out. Suggestions? Offers?

then there's my car... which died on the way home yesterday... my friend mike thinks it's the alternator since the battery is less than a year old. It's just not charging what it should. thankfully, I have a portable battery.. so I just plugged it into the battery for extra oomph and got my butt home. I had to use it on the way to work again today. It just won't keep a charge.... even once it's running... if I don't have it plugged in.There goes this paycheck.

Oh and my phone hit the fwy as I was fucking around with the battery. it went kersplat! as I tried to call Da5id who was asleep...and his phone was in the other room. horrible. it's done....toast.... i'm going to use da5id's for a bit... until london can send his out with asef... if he remembers.

My shoulder/neck problem is acting up again... causing much pain...and a lot of numbness....and a horrible headache if i don't do anything about it (ie, take something for it or ice it) which resulted in...

don't take vicodin at work! I grabbed the wrong bottle on my way to work today. There I was thinking I had grabbed my prescription strength ibuprofen and when I took it at lunch...well....i had no idea that I had taken it until i felt VERY loopy and VERY sleepy. Oi to the VAY!

Aside from that...I've an old...recurring problem. One that has more to do with ...being held... and how often.
Perhaps it's just that there's been so much going on that we forgot about ourselves... and it has me touch deprived...

So then, what keeps the mutiny at bay??

Me... this me... the real me that has come out again... it's all so wonderful.... i've discovered so much about myself... that it's really hard to think of just dissolving into tears. Why would I do that when...I've lived through this and more... and this time I'm better prepared.

huh

oh so pretty
..
and witty
...
i think i'm gayer than people think.
...and you can take that however you want to...

i dunno if it's the exercise, the new found perspective i've gotten in being with the person that loves and supports me the most... not to mention has to deal with me (i AM a handful!) or if it's the season (i DO so love fall)
something, though, something is making me feel re-energized.

could also be the writing...

then again, it might be just a sum of all the parts. I don't think I've ever felt more like myself in the last 5 years... not since I first separated from John.

It makes me more than just a little sad that I made such a big step with my separation, and then i couldn't get out of the shock of all the things going on around me; the job layoff, the marital status, the catholic guilt that my mother so perfectly embedded into my self, the breaking foot and eventual wait gain from lack of exercise (i was off my foot for 4 months).

Not even my mother can bring me down...and let me tell you, she's been REALLY trying to.

With my realization a few days ago that i don't want any negativity around me, I've decided that i'm going to out my mother.

Out what, you might ask?

She's got issues. Let's face it, she's manic depressive, bipolar and suffers from anxiety, but that's just my own diagnosis, so not very official. She won't go to someone to treat her for it... nor does she see it as anything other than her lot in life.
I'm not sure if she thinks tht god is punishing her, or that we're ungrateful...or what... but i think she just accepts it as something that has happened to her... and not something that she can correct. I've seen my mom go from a people loving person, who was always eager to meet new people and to have people over, to someone who told me that she hopes she dies before my wedding so as not to have to deal with all the people...

it's really kind of sad... and in order to try to get through to her... which may be a losing battle... i have to put myself in a pretty vulnerable position... and half the time, wait... most of the time, she gets to me. She fights back by throwing things in my face that can hurt me...like how I make her feel... or by trying to plant doubt in my friends. My therapist is close to forbidding me from seeing her...

However, how does one NOT see one's mother?

Well, ok... it's a bad relationship...and she's really bad for me. Yet, how do I just let go and not try to help her? Is it a losing battle; will it just hurt me more than than it will help her?

How can I save someone so far in, and do I even try to save her?

As i've said before, I know that i'm not going to get my mother to understand me...and it's what it has to be, but it makes me sad. I don't expect a "perfect" mother/ daughter relationship... but I want something better than this...something where she's a little more supportive, a little happier for me.

I'm not posting this to try to make her into the bad guy... i just want to get some opinions and maybe gain some understanding... Always with the understanding...

I also wanted to say that I'm not going to let that influence me again. The straw that broke the camel's back...last Wednesday... my mother was lamenting the fact that on my wedding day, I'm not going to put my hair up, not going to wear heels and apparently the dress is all wrong. I thought I looked good with my hair straight like it was at the cocktail party, I thought I looked good in my dress at the final fitting (thank you SOOOO much Dora for accompanying me) so much so that I felt a little embarrassed that i thought i looked so good... and really..the ballet flats would be excellent for that dress.

So it made me upset instead of hurting me. Wait. Actually first it stung...then i was a little self-conscious... but for just a second... and then... i thought...HEY! i don't agree! and i sorter got mad about it...
and that was that...
it put me in the slightest slump for the day which caused da5id to ask me what the hemming and hmmming were all about. So I tried to use my words...

Use your words, Ceci, use your words.

That's when I tried to talk out what I was feeling and what had happened and how I had felt seconds after, then minutes after...

I AM pretty! I AM talented... at least, I think so.
Yes, I'm irreverent. Yes, i like to cross the line. Yes, I make off color remarks... and drink too much... and once actually admitted to my parents that I had smoked before... hahahahahahaha!!!!
but that's me... and I like her...a whole lot more than i thought possible.

I'm sorry, mom, i had to out you.
Maybe now i can make peace with you...but I'll be DAMNED if it's at my expense!

100 days to the wedding
...
i'm starting to hyperventilate....
more due to the fact that people are going to see something so private... and that scares me...

oddly.... my close friends there would be nerve wracking but not as nerve wracking as that of doing this in front of tons of people that barely know me.

this... i will admit...is a very special thing that's happening...so much so that i don't want those that won't get it around me...and i know that my parents won't. I tried to connect with them a long time ago... and it didn't happen...they didn't get it... tante pied! Too bad! they don't get to know this wonderful girl that they created....
if only they knew ... if only they knew...

it's ok if they don't... i've decided i'm making my own family... the friends i hold near and dear to me... the ones that do know who i am...and how i am...and how to deal with me... those...

there's a lot i'm thankful for from my parents... their intelligence... the want to do and know more... and the things they never acknowledged...which is where i think i come from...but they don't acknowledge me... and that's where the sad part is...

and that's the price i have to pay...so be it... i'm not going to make them happy... but i'll make me happy
i'm going to look like i do.... i'm going to marry the guy that came for me too late...at a weird time...but came none the less...
and i'm going to make my family of all the misfit friends that i have... no matter what their beliefs are... no matter WHO they are. criminals...junkies... liars... my friends...my family... the people that believe me...and believe in me... and vice versa.... i LONG for the day when i can spend the important days with my family...
it's coming up... it's coming...
the wedding... in about 100 days... will bring me to that... I'll be more than my own person... i'll be part of da5id...and what we choose to do... will be what we choose to do , and who we mark as family, those who understand us, will be.
It feels like..just like... da5id and i are righting all the wrong things that happened to us when we were younger...in the families that we grew up in... that could have killed us for being ourselves...but that we somehow survived...
honestly.
somehow we got through the people that didn't think we'd make it...flowers growing up in weeds...in rocks...in a place where we shouldn't have been able to flourish...

lord knows we tried hard to off ourselves in our own way, save suicide...all in the name of coping with it...
but i found him...and that has saved me...and i think i saved him...
and in 100 days... we're going to make something right... something that always had the power to do so... but wasn't sure it could survive...

so..
in conclusion...
it's scares me 'cause it's far too personal to share with everyone... but we're right...and the main part of the audience will get it... and i know i've met my match.

"There there baby
it's just textbook stuff
it's in the ABC
of growing up
now now darling
oh don't lose your head
'cause none of us were angels
and you know i love you, yeah"
~Speeding Cars~
Imogene Heap

Sometimes I forget that I was married before...
not totally, mind you...

but sometimes it's almost like that was something I did when I was a kid...
Dora keeps reminding me that it was still just as important, still as meaningful.
...
not that I don't think so or know that... but...
I guess... I guess the thing here is that when it came to relate to my friends that got married later... now even... i felt like... like I wasn't quite there...
huh....
I'm not sure this is making sense...

I find myself a little scared of the big change coming up... 'cause I know it is a big change... I know that it makes everything more... binding.

My marriage to John was very real...despite the fact that I also believe that we were just 2 kids playing house and having a ...sort of fun time doing so... until I realized that that was not all I wanted...

*rubs hand on forehead*

My marriage to John was very sweet and very heartbreaking... and I'm not sure that I'm ever going to get anyone to understand that. I also know that i don't have to. It was what it was... and I know it...

Still... still... the part that leaves me reeling now is that ... no matter who you are, how much goes right or wrong, marriage binds the 2 of you together in no way that you would ever guess possible... even the wrong 2 people... That's why divorce is so hard... you have to sever a part of yourself now... and you didn't even notice that you had melded...

I know, I know...how negative of me...
but it's the truth...and it's why I was perfectly happy not getting married again...

and then...

...

and then seeing all my friends get married... to the right person, i realized also that perhaps that could go another way... and maybe it can make one whole... instead of cutting one in two...

and it seems like such a nice thing...a good thing... with the right person...

but I still remember the sting... I still remember the cutting out of that part of my heart... even though it had grown to be more like a tumor that was killing me... I still had to do it...and I still had to cut that part of my heart it was attached to.

*sigh* not that John was bad... he just wasn't right for me... wasn't right for what we put ourselves in.

I learned a lot from that first marriage... and I even like to joke about... made reference to Da5id as my second husband.... 'cause you have to find the humor in it.
At the same time...a bit appalled that when I chose to marry... it wasn't forever... I'm actually a forever kind of girl... but also, I know when something is not right for me and I'm not going to keep hurting myself for ideals...

"you have not betrayed your ideals/ your ideals betrayed you"

I know... I know that Da5id is different... I know that what I found here is different... that he is my forever... but...

but...
don't think that if it ever becomes unhealthy... if something goes terribly wrong, for, even forevers can go wrong... we all have choices to make and nothing is set in stone... don't think that I couldn't leave.
i will tear another hole in my heart before I let the cancer engulf it.

I know this about myself... and that part.... even if VERY unlikely and is only being brought up due to past... hurts... not to mention my penchant for pessimism ... that part scares me...'cause it hurts like hell... and this time... it'll be harder to recover...

...
*sigh*

weird thoughts for a blushing bride to be having...
I blame it on the weekend without meds... not my fault...i didn't know i ran out of refills and my doctor was unreachable... I even came home early 'cause I started wigging out. I hid in bed 'til the pharmacy called me to let me know that the meds were good to go....
and now...
I recover