Monday, October 1, 2007

Sometimes I forget that I was married before...
not totally, mind you...

but sometimes it's almost like that was something I did when I was a kid...
Dora keeps reminding me that it was still just as important, still as meaningful.
...
not that I don't think so or know that... but...
I guess... I guess the thing here is that when it came to relate to my friends that got married later... now even... i felt like... like I wasn't quite there...
huh....
I'm not sure this is making sense...

I find myself a little scared of the big change coming up... 'cause I know it is a big change... I know that it makes everything more... binding.

My marriage to John was very real...despite the fact that I also believe that we were just 2 kids playing house and having a ...sort of fun time doing so... until I realized that that was not all I wanted...

*rubs hand on forehead*

My marriage to John was very sweet and very heartbreaking... and I'm not sure that I'm ever going to get anyone to understand that. I also know that i don't have to. It was what it was... and I know it...

Still... still... the part that leaves me reeling now is that ... no matter who you are, how much goes right or wrong, marriage binds the 2 of you together in no way that you would ever guess possible... even the wrong 2 people... That's why divorce is so hard... you have to sever a part of yourself now... and you didn't even notice that you had melded...

I know, I know...how negative of me...
but it's the truth...and it's why I was perfectly happy not getting married again...

and then...

...

and then seeing all my friends get married... to the right person, i realized also that perhaps that could go another way... and maybe it can make one whole... instead of cutting one in two...

and it seems like such a nice thing...a good thing... with the right person...

but I still remember the sting... I still remember the cutting out of that part of my heart... even though it had grown to be more like a tumor that was killing me... I still had to do it...and I still had to cut that part of my heart it was attached to.

*sigh* not that John was bad... he just wasn't right for me... wasn't right for what we put ourselves in.

I learned a lot from that first marriage... and I even like to joke about... made reference to Da5id as my second husband.... 'cause you have to find the humor in it.
At the same time...a bit appalled that when I chose to marry... it wasn't forever... I'm actually a forever kind of girl... but also, I know when something is not right for me and I'm not going to keep hurting myself for ideals...

"you have not betrayed your ideals/ your ideals betrayed you"

I know... I know that Da5id is different... I know that what I found here is different... that he is my forever... but...

but...
don't think that if it ever becomes unhealthy... if something goes terribly wrong, for, even forevers can go wrong... we all have choices to make and nothing is set in stone... don't think that I couldn't leave.
i will tear another hole in my heart before I let the cancer engulf it.

I know this about myself... and that part.... even if VERY unlikely and is only being brought up due to past... hurts... not to mention my penchant for pessimism ... that part scares me...'cause it hurts like hell... and this time... it'll be harder to recover...

...
*sigh*

weird thoughts for a blushing bride to be having...
I blame it on the weekend without meds... not my fault...i didn't know i ran out of refills and my doctor was unreachable... I even came home early 'cause I started wigging out. I hid in bed 'til the pharmacy called me to let me know that the meds were good to go....
and now...
I recover

4 comments:

Mags said...

*hugs* I love you Ceci and all your lovely Ceci-nesses. You are doing the right and perfect thing for you. You will always be true to the wonderful you that you are. You are my heroine.

Bringing Up Ben said...

that was a beautiful post. i love you.

Ceci said...

thank you guys... for supporting me...for loving me for who i am ..and how i am... and i don't think i've ever felt more loved...

Leigh said...

*hugs * i love you ceci...and
da5id too.