Monday, October 15, 2007

Optimistically Pessimistic

Taking Scott out reminded me of why I used to have a problem with leaving LA. There are SOOOOOO many neat things here.

What happened?

I forgot about them and/or don't do them anymore. A good example: shows... concerts rather. I used to go to tons and there was no way that you could miss someone... who didn't stop in LA?? When Radiohead toured for Kid A, they did only 7 shows in the country.... country? world? I think it was country... yeah.... and of course...they played the Greek Theater and Alinka, London and I got tickets...and it was amazing. They also played a small show at the Troubadour right before OK Computer.... Then there's the Madness show I saw at the Troubadour which was incredible... However, i don't do these things anymore... and it's very sad.

I don't hang out at the Kitty anymore, or Lola's... or go to any of the many dance clubs I used to love to go stomp around at.
and how much will i miss it when I go away?

I'm trying to hold it together here... mainly 'cause I'm actually, mentally ok.

However, there are little things that keep happening that are causing some cracks... days...still....I want to walk out. I can't help but think...there's more to me than this... and i spend WAY too much time and energy here. Ever since I've started to write more, work has begun to bore me. I find the stocking monotonous and I hate worrying about all we have to order and stupid kids who don't care that we're trying to get work done... and people who call in "sick."
I'm looking for a way out. Suggestions? Offers?

then there's my car... which died on the way home yesterday... my friend mike thinks it's the alternator since the battery is less than a year old. It's just not charging what it should. thankfully, I have a portable battery.. so I just plugged it into the battery for extra oomph and got my butt home. I had to use it on the way to work again today. It just won't keep a charge.... even once it's running... if I don't have it plugged in.There goes this paycheck.

Oh and my phone hit the fwy as I was fucking around with the battery. it went kersplat! as I tried to call Da5id who was asleep...and his phone was in the other room. horrible. it's done....toast.... i'm going to use da5id's for a bit... until london can send his out with asef... if he remembers.

My shoulder/neck problem is acting up again... causing much pain...and a lot of numbness....and a horrible headache if i don't do anything about it (ie, take something for it or ice it) which resulted in...

don't take vicodin at work! I grabbed the wrong bottle on my way to work today. There I was thinking I had grabbed my prescription strength ibuprofen and when I took it at lunch...well....i had no idea that I had taken it until i felt VERY loopy and VERY sleepy. Oi to the VAY!

Aside from that...I've an old...recurring problem. One that has more to do with ...being held... and how often.
Perhaps it's just that there's been so much going on that we forgot about ourselves... and it has me touch deprived...

So then, what keeps the mutiny at bay??

Me... this me... the real me that has come out again... it's all so wonderful.... i've discovered so much about myself... that it's really hard to think of just dissolving into tears. Why would I do that when...I've lived through this and more... and this time I'm better prepared.



pocket_heather said...

I know I've said it before but I love reading your blogs. I must admit you have a natural quality from which I admire. It's refreshing to read a blog that's honest, tactful, and worthy of being read.

I feel that once fears are either discussed or written or typed they don't seem to be so powerful anymore. I'm glad that your making such wonderful progress with everything you do; and finding peace of mind in doing so.

Your like a butterfly emerging it's cocoon, in a concrete jungle.

From the pen of :

Pocket :P