Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I feel pretty

oh so pretty
and witty
i think i'm gayer than people think.
...and you can take that however you want to...

i dunno if it's the exercise, the new found perspective i've gotten in being with the person that loves and supports me the most... not to mention has to deal with me (i AM a handful!) or if it's the season (i DO so love fall)
something, though, something is making me feel re-energized.

could also be the writing...

then again, it might be just a sum of all the parts. I don't think I've ever felt more like myself in the last 5 years... not since I first separated from John.

It makes me more than just a little sad that I made such a big step with my separation, and then i couldn't get out of the shock of all the things going on around me; the job layoff, the marital status, the catholic guilt that my mother so perfectly embedded into my self, the breaking foot and eventual wait gain from lack of exercise (i was off my foot for 4 months).

Not even my mother can bring me down...and let me tell you, she's been REALLY trying to.

With my realization a few days ago that i don't want any negativity around me, I've decided that i'm going to out my mother.

Out what, you might ask?

She's got issues. Let's face it, she's manic depressive, bipolar and suffers from anxiety, but that's just my own diagnosis, so not very official. She won't go to someone to treat her for it... nor does she see it as anything other than her lot in life.
I'm not sure if she thinks tht god is punishing her, or that we're ungrateful...or what... but i think she just accepts it as something that has happened to her... and not something that she can correct. I've seen my mom go from a people loving person, who was always eager to meet new people and to have people over, to someone who told me that she hopes she dies before my wedding so as not to have to deal with all the people...

it's really kind of sad... and in order to try to get through to her... which may be a losing battle... i have to put myself in a pretty vulnerable position... and half the time, wait... most of the time, she gets to me. She fights back by throwing things in my face that can hurt me...like how I make her feel... or by trying to plant doubt in my friends. My therapist is close to forbidding me from seeing her...

However, how does one NOT see one's mother?

Well, ok... it's a bad relationship...and she's really bad for me. Yet, how do I just let go and not try to help her? Is it a losing battle; will it just hurt me more than than it will help her?

How can I save someone so far in, and do I even try to save her?

As i've said before, I know that i'm not going to get my mother to understand me...and it's what it has to be, but it makes me sad. I don't expect a "perfect" mother/ daughter relationship... but I want something better than this...something where she's a little more supportive, a little happier for me.

I'm not posting this to try to make her into the bad guy... i just want to get some opinions and maybe gain some understanding... Always with the understanding...

I also wanted to say that I'm not going to let that influence me again. The straw that broke the camel's back...last Wednesday... my mother was lamenting the fact that on my wedding day, I'm not going to put my hair up, not going to wear heels and apparently the dress is all wrong. I thought I looked good with my hair straight like it was at the cocktail party, I thought I looked good in my dress at the final fitting (thank you SOOOO much Dora for accompanying me) so much so that I felt a little embarrassed that i thought i looked so good... and really..the ballet flats would be excellent for that dress.

So it made me upset instead of hurting me. Wait. Actually first it stung...then i was a little self-conscious... but for just a second... and then... i thought...HEY! i don't agree! and i sorter got mad about it...
and that was that...
it put me in the slightest slump for the day which caused da5id to ask me what the hemming and hmmming were all about. So I tried to use my words...

Use your words, Ceci, use your words.

That's when I tried to talk out what I was feeling and what had happened and how I had felt seconds after, then minutes after...

I AM pretty! I AM talented... at least, I think so.
Yes, I'm irreverent. Yes, i like to cross the line. Yes, I make off color remarks... and drink too much... and once actually admitted to my parents that I had smoked before... hahahahahahaha!!!!
but that's me... and I like her...a whole lot more than i thought possible.

I'm sorry, mom, i had to out you.
Maybe now i can make peace with you...but I'll be DAMNED if it's at my expense!