Thursday, October 4, 2007

Speeding Cars

100 days to the wedding
...
i'm starting to hyperventilate....
more due to the fact that people are going to see something so private... and that scares me...

oddly.... my close friends there would be nerve wracking but not as nerve wracking as that of doing this in front of tons of people that barely know me.

this... i will admit...is a very special thing that's happening...so much so that i don't want those that won't get it around me...and i know that my parents won't. I tried to connect with them a long time ago... and it didn't happen...they didn't get it... tante pied! Too bad! they don't get to know this wonderful girl that they created....
if only they knew ... if only they knew...

it's ok if they don't... i've decided i'm making my own family... the friends i hold near and dear to me... the ones that do know who i am...and how i am...and how to deal with me... those...

there's a lot i'm thankful for from my parents... their intelligence... the want to do and know more... and the things they never acknowledged...which is where i think i come from...but they don't acknowledge me... and that's where the sad part is...

and that's the price i have to pay...so be it... i'm not going to make them happy... but i'll make me happy
i'm going to look like i do.... i'm going to marry the guy that came for me too late...at a weird time...but came none the less...
and i'm going to make my family of all the misfit friends that i have... no matter what their beliefs are... no matter WHO they are. criminals...junkies... liars... my friends...my family... the people that believe me...and believe in me... and vice versa.... i LONG for the day when i can spend the important days with my family...
it's coming up... it's coming...
the wedding... in about 100 days... will bring me to that... I'll be more than my own person... i'll be part of da5id...and what we choose to do... will be what we choose to do , and who we mark as family, those who understand us, will be.
It feels like..just like... da5id and i are righting all the wrong things that happened to us when we were younger...in the families that we grew up in... that could have killed us for being ourselves...but that we somehow survived...
honestly.
somehow we got through the people that didn't think we'd make it...flowers growing up in weeds...in rocks...in a place where we shouldn't have been able to flourish...

lord knows we tried hard to off ourselves in our own way, save suicide...all in the name of coping with it...
but i found him...and that has saved me...and i think i saved him...
and in 100 days... we're going to make something right... something that always had the power to do so... but wasn't sure it could survive...

so..
in conclusion...
it's scares me 'cause it's far too personal to share with everyone... but we're right...and the main part of the audience will get it... and i know i've met my match.

"There there baby
it's just textbook stuff
it's in the ABC
of growing up
now now darling
oh don't lose your head
'cause none of us were angels
and you know i love you, yeah"
~Speeding Cars~
Imogene Heap

2 comments:

pocket_heather said...

Love: "The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

-Robert Frost

My dear friend Ceci. As dissapointing as it may seem that I cannot make it to the wedding. I cast great joy and "pocketness" to both you and Da5id. (did I do that right?) :-)

I too have always felt that friends are a self created family. Family members that through time, become accumulated, collected, and admired.

Some that change and lose their value and self worth and thus become extracted and others left dormat at times only to come to life at a time when most needed.

Indeed, such precious things.

I have such great hope for both you and Da5id, your future, and all the good times, bad times...hey let's just say it...THE TIMES ETC...

I digress....and leave you with a great quote on friendship; one that reminds me of you.

A friend's eye is a good mirror.

-Old Irish Proverb

Ceci said...

i LOVE my pocket!

*hugs* whether or not you can go... I'll understand...
s'okay

you will be missed, however...
:(