Monday, April 21, 2014

What are you sinking about?

I've thought of all sorts of reasons as to why Stephen drank so much - he was still reeling from and dealing with his divorce, he was rebelling and since she wasn't around it fell to me, he was self-medicating for the mental disorder that had yet to be diagnosed and couldn't be diagnosed due to lack of insurance.

Seriously, it's like a death knell, like you're branded, once you're diagnosed.

... but I digress.

Here I am having to deal with the reality that I am dating, I am in love with, an alcoholic. It's really very hard and scary for me. I mean, this is really happening? How did I get here, how did it come to this?

This is really happening.

Women and children first.

Too many details to confess. I was ready to leave in July, I had made my decision.

And then... the accident. Stay... or go now? Would I be that girl that left her boyfriend when he was down and out?
Can you believe she left him when he was recovering from surgery?! He lost the house, his car, his job...

That could have been me. There but for the grace of god go I.
Ummm ... wait...

I no longer cared if that would have been me. I didn't care if people thought I was a bitch for leaving... but I had to make that decision. Maybe despite my better judgement... I stayed.

I am the one who stayed.

It's hard... you know?? It's hard to stay when you were sooo ready to go. 

After the surgery, things were quiet... very quiet... and I was seething, not knowing what to do with the anger. I was ready to YELL! To EXPLODE! I was a volcano about to erupt. 
I... was Eyjafjallajökull. 

We came together because of it, and I have become all of it - ready to unleash the same force as it had, ready to stop travel, ready to divert this flight.

I've finally made peace with the fact that we don't always get answers as to what happened and why. I'm finally ok with that.


... but how will I relearn to go when I've lost my will to? How do I get back there when and if the time is right, before it's too late?

How does one leave after the decision to leave has been extinguished?

For the couple of you who reached out to see how I was doing after my last post, I thank you. It was very nice and I felt loved. I'm sorry for such short answers and I want to let you know that I'm fine. I would have said more and spoken with you at length but, for as much shit as was going on, there was also school. It's winding down so I'm swamped with projects and reading.

Things aren't at a crisis point, but I'm finally admitting, finally saying it all out loud and giving voice to everything that should have been before. I suppose I needed to learn to accept it, and sometimes, I'm still not quite there yet. 

I mean... this is really happening..