Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Brides

How I went from this

to this 
(except without the tracksuit)

Would you believe this blog started as something I wanted to do for my second wedding? Yep. SECOND

I had married young before that. Well... young in my mind. To most? I was 22... and that is young, in my opinion. 

I used to believe in love. Well, I still believe in love but I used to believe in it in that really blind wholehearted way. I love him, he loved me, forever and ever, and all that. We eloped because our families thought we were nutsos (also, he's Canadian so we kind of had to get proceedings started if I wanted him in the US). 

Well, let me tell you... that was a mistake. But I learned from it and found out that love is not that easy. 

So the second one was kind of not my idea. The ex-boyo wanted it and I had to be convinced because divorce was not something I wanted to do again. That sounds like I'm being negative, I know, but go along with me here. It's not that I thought we wouldn't make it. On the contrary, I thought we would last. However! I was wary just in case. I mean, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, and by this point, I was just being realistic.

And... see???? I was right, damn it all. 

Today I celebrate my 1 year wedding anniversary to the third husband. That's right... I kept on going. 

Mainly, it's because I believe that there's still something to the whole married thing. There's some sort of bond that ties you together in a different way. Maybe it's the ceremony, the public pledge, something like spellcasting. You have to believe in the thing in order to make it something. So I keep looking for the right something. 

Of course, that's how it feels to me. I don't necessarily think that it applies to everyone or that this is the Truth with a capital "t." You know, that thing everyone looks for that is supposed to be universal. 

Where was I going with this???
Oh yeah! 

I've been with #3 for 7 years and married 1 year. It's hard. It's great. It's distressing. It's exquisite. 
It's everything. It's complicated, it's tough... and because of that, it's beautiful and worth it. 

I know it's not love like I thought love is, that I am aware of who he is and who I am, and that we're working to evolve - both individually and together. Because of that, I went from thinking I was made for someone (and vice versa) to thinking that I was strong enough to face anything that was sent my way, with a better understanding of how this works. 

... a better understanding, mind you, not a full understanding. I don't know that I know that quite yet or ever will but I do know a lot and I've come a long way.