Reconciling Saints

Something that's giving me a hard time with my bipolar is my attempt at levitation. That is to say, I stepped off the cliff of my full-time job to try my hand at library work and writing. It's a leap of faith and I'm hoping that it pays off and I reach my goal. 

Of course, my full-time job was crappy but paid well and had great benefits. My library job is part-time and my pay is about a quarter of what I used to make. The writing, of course, is strictly volunteer... or indentured slavery. Take your pick. 

I'm also babysitting on the side to gain a little extra pay to allow me to buy groceries and all that. I mean... I've got my husband but I feel like I have to contribute more than just the part-time pay so he doesn't panic on slow weeks (he's a tattoo artist, for anyone out there that doesn't know). He's told me he can hack it with just my part-time but I'm an idiot when it comes to taking the offered help (apparently).

So all of this instability is kind of playing with my head and I'm trying to figure out a way to counter it. The funny thing is that with all this freedom, one would think that it would be easier on my bipolar since I can do the things I like to do. I don't know what went wrong there. Maybe it's just the money worries... or the feeling that I'm a failure because I can't get a job in my field... nor is my writing going particularly well (in my opinion). 

Still... I try to remember that I can do this and that it's ok to not know the outcome. 

... but damn! is this stepping off the cliff thing hard!