Reconciling Saints

Halloween at the Virtue-Clouse house...

Yesterday was one of those days when you just want to deny you exist.

"Who? That dumb girl over there? No... don't know her... Can't say as I want to."

It seemed that most of the tasks assigned to me were fairly simple, however, I seemed to mess them all up. Some were complete and utter mind farts, others were just... not as easy as they were made to sound due to lack of information or files not appearing to be how/where the task setter said.

That my brain got fried was my own fault. I should have just ignored my stupid "let's plow on!" sentiment, brushed my hands and called the day off. Instead I ended up with a 9-1/2 hour day.

*sigh*

I need to learn to say, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." (just like Eric Cartman)

Thankfully... today... well today is another day and I love it.

"Yesterday was plain awful!
You can say that again
YESTERDAY WAS PLAIN AWFUL!
but that's
not now
that's then!"
~Annie~

There's this pipe that I like to use when I'm drunk/ playing board games/ writing (this goes with drunk sometimes...ok most times too). The boyo hates when I use it. It's his, he doesn't use it and I think it was a gift to him from one of his best friends from when she went to Africa. So when I'm sitting here writing... or (to Kat's annoyance) playing a game... you can find me like this:
Heh.

So the new job is going very well. They're throwing all sorts of things at me and I only hope that I'm coping with them well... from the mundane to the not-so (travel arrangements to compiling data). Seriously, these guys have an idea in their heads about what they want and how it's to be done and I can only hope that I'm doing well with it. I'd like to hope that they think..."HEY! I didn't think of that." However, I've not had anything that provides that opportunity. SO... I hope they think that things are as spiffy as I think they are.

So last weekend I went to LA for Leigh's birthday and found myself in one of my favorite rooms in the Beach House. This was my room:



and this was my view:I DO so miss Manhattan Beach from time to time...especially the view of the ocean (it's better from the balcony above, which is where we usually hang out).

I do have pics of people and stuff we did... but then this post would be all pics. I'll post a link later to them once I upload them completely.

So going back to MB was like... I never left. Since Leigh's birthday festivities were for the most part taking part on Friday, it was very much just getting in there. I felt like it was any day when I would hang out with all the kids. It was comfortable and I easily slipped back into the whole thing. I had a great time just talking about things with people...nothing in particular, just... stories of our lives. My friends are GREAT storytellers. I loved hearing all the latest and we even had some "remember when???" times. Saturday found Leigh and I at Ava's soccer game (5 year-olds + soccer = hilarious) then we sat around and talked followed by a walk along the beach into town to sit and have a glass of wine at the bar. Loverly! At 4pm, Dora picked us up for tea and we were off to The Peninsula to have tea with Liz for Leigh's birthday (it's a thing we do). Miss Hannah Leah had her first tea with us. Oh so fun and she told us a great riddle which I greatly appreciated (and helped solve along with Ms. Dora). Sunday found Leigh and I having breakfast with my parents at one of our old spots and then it was off to see my Tias(translation: my Aunts). I loved seeing them. I got to see Bonnie and Ang too (as well as Alex and Robert) so really, it was all good times!

Coming back home was fine and dandy. Taking the train from the airport, I started wondering if I missed the whole thing and came to the conclusion that ... no... no, I wasn't sad to be back. I was happy and I was excited. In as much as I missed LA... there's still the problem of the weather (did it seriously have to be in the mid to upper 80s in October?!) and then there's just the fact that it will always be home... where my family is (and it was very nice to see Linda, Jen, Damien, Ingrid, Chloé, Joe, Clark, Logan, Annie, Ezra, Dylan, Asef and even TIM!... not to mention the already mentioned Hannah, Leigh, Liz, Dora and Ava). Getting off the MAX at the Rose Quarter Transit Cneter to get on the Yellow line that would take me home, I still couldn't help but look around at the unfamiliar familiar surroundings and think, ah but this.... this is me now... and that I know it but still don't know it... I love it!

I loved that I had no idea what the next day would bring and that it's all still so new to me... and that I had a forever of "what next?!" coming up. Does everyone get this when they first move to a new place? Can only a new place after 32 years in the same place bring this perspective? I wonder...

All I know is that I'm having a fabulous time here in Portland and I love that I don't know what's going to happen ...and what my future may bring.

I... LOVE my life!

**UPDATE: Kat I included pics of my room 'cause it was your guest room too and I know how you loved it. The room says hi!

I feel like I've been gone forever and yet I went no where!

Well, technically, I did go to LA last weekend (I'll post about that later... when I can provide photos), but you know what I mean.

I've decided I have to get to focusing on what's going on here with me, in all aspects.

To begin with, I told myself that THIS time (...with feeling) I'm going to participate in NaNoWriMo
since I think that this time, I can do it and not talk myself out of it.
For those of you who aren't in the know, November is National Novel Writing Month. Basically, you spend all of November trying to write a novel (50,000 words) - no editing allowed! You're basically just getting it all out there to see if you can do it. I decided that this year, I'd go ahead and run this marathon for writers and see if I can finish.
Anyone wanna join me?

So yesterday this kid at Mother's Bistro called me Ma'am and would ALWAYS do so. Do I look like a ma'am to you?! I do?! I dunno... someone should tell that kid that using ma'am all the time and with everyone is just... weird and bothersome.

*snorts*

... ma'am...

I'm considered a Lord in some lands, kid! I have photographic proof of this:


I'd like to thank London for this peecture. It's ever so great!

I have a new job! I love it and they sorter created a position for me as they knew they needed help but weren't sure what and they basically took a look at my resume and said, " yes please!" So they want to utilize all my mad skillz yo! Heh! Anyway, the guys are nice and the job has all sorts of aspects that I'm learning and it's really very exciting and... I love it!
I also love that I work in Cedric's building if ONLY for right now. It's fun!

Other things I'm doing:
-sweating like crazy at spin class 3 times a week... and loving it!
-trying to do better at keeping in touch with all my friends *hello out there!*
-putting plans together with Kat for Kat's Birthday European tour 2009! That's right!
-whining a lot (I'm not proud of this one, but it's true)

Today is october 13th and I love it!!!!

What did I do today??? That's not the point. It's my cousin Bonnie's birthday (Happy birthday, Bon!) but mainly it's October, which is my favorite month.
...
EVER!

Seriously, Fall is a time when everything changes. Good or bad...it changes... and I've always been a big supporter of it.

So...what comes with fall??? Hmmm... new hair... new friends... although my old friends are taking me back to LA (Leigh's birthday and apparently I can't miss it for the world!)

This... is life.

I love it. I'm not sure where things stand with the boyo ... or even myself... but I'm still here... and I'm still logging the hours.

Which reminds me... don't think that all strangers are good! Da5id and I had our first housewarming and some kid came knocking at our door at about 1am or so and, against my better judgment da5id let him in to a "friends only" party. A housewarming party where we had figured out who we wanted there because of their involvement in our lives at the stage where we were merely getting help from our friends and those around us, so it was a sort of thank you to those responsible for our involvement in the PDX clan and just... being here.

There were a TON of people I wanted to invite, mind you, but we decided that it was better to keep it small since we only had so much room to work with.

Da5id learned that we might want to save everyone, but not everyone is worth saving. At about 1 am or so, there was a knock at the door. Being an expert at dealing with the police, I figured I had this covered. So I answered the door only to find a boy who was intent on persuading me that letting him in was the best thing to do. I am used to people trying to come in off the street, having given my fair share of parties, however, this kid made me think, no! Not only no, but that this party wasn't just a party, it was about celebrating the people that allowed us to get here... in any way, shape, or form.

Well, the kid abused it. Once people had left, he demanded (really!) that he be allowed to stay. Da5id's thing was that he had been cool and allowed him into our party, given him drink... and now he wanted more???? So Da5id, after calling Cedric over for back up (thank you Cedric), told the guy to leave. At which point he (the kid) went around to the front (Cedric and Da5id having already closed and locked the back door) and started opening it when Da5id ran over and finished opening it for him. The kid started saying something about how we were stupid for leaving the door unlocked and Da5id basically told him how stupid he is for not getting out of there since he was calling the cops. I don't know if it was shear stupidity that kept the kid arguing but as Da5id dialed, he was still talking and standing around. Did he really think he was going to get back in and stay with us?

WEIRD!

Ah, October! What more do you have coming up for me?

That's right! Thanks to Nate (anti-J to some), I have new hair. It's shorter (but not AS short) and it's BLUE!

This is one happy girl!

Step one to full Bringin' Ceci Back is ON!

today I was enjoying the weather here in PDX. Random showers, sun and LOTS of clouds. I loved it.

Da5id and I were running errands for our 2nd cocktail party. This one in PDX. It was fun. I love shopping for parties and it reminded me of the infamous (so famous it's in famous) Halloween parties we threw.

Anyway... here I am relaxing on a rainy night and helping with what we will do with this that or the other for the party, what to serve, the lighting, etc. No going out tonight, we're having a meeting of what's to happen for the cocktail party.

I've also decided that I really don't like my hair curly, even IF Liz thinks I look like Juliette Binoche. I think I look like a dork.

Tonight I'm drowning in Music and tonight's choice is IAMX. I am SO jealous of the people in LA because IAMX played the El Rey, one of my favorite venues (I saw Pigface and Numb there) on September 15th. No where near the Northwest did IAMX stop....

What else? Why... LA houses the people that know how I dream... know what I wish for. I can see the sun setting on the Pacific now... driving home... or sitting at the Choueke's. Or even from Dora's windows. I miss it.

I miss the places I knew... the familiar bars and restaurants and the ones I had just discovered... I miss the wonderful times with my friends. I miss the great dinners at Cafe Pierre (home of my first 6 dirty martinis), I miss looking at the ocean from the beach and knowing that there was more to life than just what little was going on in our lives, I could feel the persistent pounding of the waves. That there's more here that just what you and I see.

I miss it.

I do... I miss the faint autumn in LA... I miss the changing of the sun.

Mainly, I miss the places and the people that understood the drive I had, understood the crazy. I miss those who would dream with me.

But there are new people...and I think that they can or will understand what it is I'm saying... but I can't help but think of that night...watching the Moon set into the Pacific with Leigh, Dora and my sister and hearing Monica or Dora say..."I've never seen this! this is so magnificent!"

...

and I wouldn't trade that memory for the world.

Today I found out that a guy at work's wife has Breast cancer...
Inoperable... It's below the breast plate and wide spread in both of her breasts. They could take car of the ones in her breasts, but the one below the breast plate... they don't think there's much that they can do for her. The girls at work were talking about it and... well it seems technically that one should be able to do the mastectomy and then nuke the fuck out of the other one. Still... that's just guessing and we don't know the particulars.

We do know that it's stage 4.

On Monday, the guy at work had a mini-stroke... one can only guess because of everything going on and work, etc. His daughter, we were told, who is 17 was running back and forth from room to room. One were they held her father and another where her mother was.
...

That poor man... that poor girl!
Both of them ... but... but what about her???

- all I could think of was the song 24 by Jem and what I would do... if someone said... you're dying.

...and I try to remember that every day.

It was perhaps a day like every other day... and maybe it wasn't.

The only things that echoed in her head that day were the words that the doctor told her,
"I'd say you have a day, but I'm amazed you made it this far!"

or maybe that's just what she was wishing for all those around her, wishing that she was the only one that had to go.

she took it all in and decided she was going to kidnap her husband. But first! but first... there was time to savor a fine pinot noir and a cigarette.

"Thank god they passed the law to stop smoking indoors," she thought.

She tried to map it out all in her mind. What was she going to do? Get her husband, that much was sure. She remembered her promise to her friend that if either of them had to go... they would be there for the other with a good load of heroin. Why leave with all the pain?
"Still," she thought, "then I don't remember my last moments with him."
She rolled the taste around in her mouth, trying to remember the excellence of a good wine on the pallet. Then she decided that what was missing was music that would round this out. Thank god for iPods that allowed one to hold all of one's music collection on it! She'd never see home again, she pondered as she erased the thought of going back to pick up her favorites at home. This would do.

She arrived at Da5id's work not even slightly buzzed. It was either a miracle or just the too real shit she was going through that allowed for this. She told work that he had an emergency, that a close family member was going to die.
"Me," she thought.
"and him," she added as an after thought.

She didn't tell him anything, which he hated, until they got in the car.

"Where are we going?" he demanded.

"Airport," she said.

"You're leaving me?!" he asked incredulously.

If only he knew...

"Well, I shouldn't be alive now and we've have less than 24 hours, if that's what you mean," she said in her very cynical way with a smile playing around the corners, as it tends to do when she's being the biggest bitch.

He stared at her incredulously.

"I wish I was, to your unanswered question of 'is she joking'," she said and looked straight ahead towards the airport.

When they got to the counter, after a silence of what seemed to be an eternity, she handed him the passport and told the man at the counter, "two for London please."

She looked at him and hoped that he wouldn't waste any time.

"Look, it's simple," she explained "I have not long with you and I don't want to waste it. So we're going to London, where we spent some of our happiest times, where we always said we'd join our friends. We're meeting them at Gordon's at 9pm their time and I've asked London to secure us a table, so he's going to be getting there pretty early. On the way there, on the airplane, I don't want to do anything but enjoy the drinks and to stare at you and once we're there we're off to Gordon's... to a table that I've made London promise he'd get under one of the arches in the tunnel, big enough for us all, and I'm letting them all know. "

All he did was stare incredulously.

"All I want is to be surrounded by my friends, my family, moments before it hits me, however it hits, even if it's in the drunken after math when all I want to do is sleep. The airplane ride is perfect because all I want to do is stare at you and hold your hand for however long I have. We have."