Saturday, January 5, 2013
I've been doing a lot of work in therapy on dealing with old things that I just need to let go and the flashbacks that come with them. I find it akin to having to vacuum up the remnants of a mess you've mostly cleaned up... the key word being, "mostly."
Sometimes, though, when I'm doing such work... I can't help but feel like a monster... or a very mean kitty!
All of the things that I've done
Terrible things...you would never believe
Things that I've done
Oh how you'll run
If you knew a single one
All of the things that I've done
Friday, January 4, 2013
Sometimes my fingers feel too light and part of me panics.
Shouldn't there be a ring there?
So I look down and clutch my hand, scanning the ground briefly. A quick thought passes, zings through me like lightning, and I'm wondering if it fell off or if I may have misplaced it.
Actually looking at that finger, bare as it's been for these past 2+ years, I remember,
"That's right, I don't have that anymore."
Saturday, August 25, 2012
These are my nieces
My brother's daughter, Madison, age 2
My sister's daughter, Jacqueline, 5 months
These 2 little ones have my full attention! I think of it as my biological clock ticking. I swear I'll show anyone who's interested pictures. Is this normal for an aunt?? It's not that I now want a baby, it's more like I wish I was there to spend time with them.
I met Maddie when I was in California last year for my cousin's wedding. She's cute, inquisitive, and her own little person. When my brother's wife was pregnant I said, "Just watch! You're going to have a little girl and she's going to be just like me!" My brother and I don't see I to eye and, well, it seems that I've cursed him. According to my mom, Maddie is reminiscent of me at her age. She's quite emotional, she likes to sing and picks up on things you wouldn't think she could. My brother apparently LOVES her. Well, unlike me, she is his daughter and my mom says she's got daddy wrapped around her finger.
Jacqueline I've only seen a TON of pictures of. I hope to meet her soon... ish. She has my father's blue eyes and I see my sister there when she smiles. I'm sure she might have some of her father's features, but all I see are the eyebrows... maybe the lips. She makes the best expressions in her pictures and she uses those eyebrows with her big anime eyes a lot. I'm in love with this kid. She has to wear a little helmet currently because she has a bad flat spot, but she's going to the doctor soon to see if she has to continue. When I heard that she had to wear it and that she has to do exercises every day, it tugged at my heart! Poor kid. Still, she looks cute in her helmet, in my opinion.
Ok ok... I'll bug you with 2 more pictures and then I'll leave you alone.
Seriously, the expressions on their faces are awesome! I've got it bad, I'm telling you.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Up until about 2 years ago, I was on birth control pills. I had taken them for 15 years or so. I rarely got a period, had it last about 2 days if I did get one, didn't have any cramps and got only a little emotional before it came on.
Well, I can tell you that things SURE have changed since then. Aside from the obvious (lasts longer and OUCH the cramps!), my PMS symptoms have, as of late, made me wonder if I need a doctor's note. I even have a really good example right here on my blog!
Everyone turn to the post The Nightmare Book, dated June 27th in your hymnal.
Anyway, that post was on a Mean Reds day when the best thing to do with me is take me to a bar and drag me home when I'm nice and drunk. Like... d-RUNK! On days like that, I can't see my way out of anything. I've fallen into a deep pit and it's very dark and very deep. I was up 'til 2am on June 27th 'cause 1994 had called and brought Tori Amos CDs with it. Yeah, that bad.
The next day, my period hit and I thought, "OH! Well that explains it all!"
I talked to my psychiatrist because she wants me to keep her informed on my moods The usual litany of questions have to be answered - have you been depressed? How depressed? How long does it last? Have you been sleeping? What's enough? Do you want to sleep? So last time I went, I told her about the Mean Reds that I finally figured out was my version of PMS. She gave me a prescription for my old anti-depressant, celexa.
Yes ladies and gents, I now actually believe that that girl that I'd heard stories about, the one that turns into Mr. Hyde right before her period, really can and does exist. Also, she might be me.
I know it's not exactly 28 days later... huh... wait... Do you think that that's why they titled the movie that? I mean, blood, everyone's scared, monsters... Seems like this idea might not be too far fetched.
MOVING ON!
I'm trying to be more observant of the days and of any tells that I may have and I'm pretty sure... despite that it's 4 or so days short of 28... I'm pretty sure I'm right about there. Existential crisis? Check! Can't find anything to do with my life? Check! Working on my writing proving useless? Check! Missing my friends and thinking they're better off without me and better than me? Check!
However, now that I'm armed with a little more info and I know the tells (see post, June 27th), I think I'm ready to take it head on.
I have wine, dark chocolate m & m's, Belgian chocolate pudding and lots of yummy snacks. I also have House, a few books if none of them are doing it for me/ making matters worse and a bath.
I'll let you know how it goes.
;;
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