Reconciling Saints

What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop trying to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

Mine says

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "We cannot have any unmixed emotions," said
poet William Butler Yeats. "There is always something in our enemy that
we like, and something in our sweetheart that we dislike." I hope that's
OK with you, Taurus. In fact I hope you regard that as a peculiar blessing -
- as one of the half-maddening, half-inspiring perks of life on earth. The
fact is, as I see it, that you are in the thick of the Season of Mixed
Emotions. The more graciously you accept that -- the more you invite it
to hone your soul's intelligence -- the better able you'll be to capitalize on
the rich and fertile contradictions that are headed your way.


That sounds about right.

Times like these I go back and forth from feelings of being lost and not being able to believe what I'm doing... In a good way! There's so much I'm putting out there, putting of myself out there and damn the battering of the waves! It's fucking scary and fucking exhilarating all at the same time.

It's... It's finding out there's a Ceci without the things that, in a sense, made Ceci. I stepped away from everything and I'm a little amazed that I still remain. I think I always knew that, but it's quite something else to actually do it.

I've come to think of what I'm writing as Shards of Glass - as a title, that is. I tentatively entitled my "novel" Glass and currently all I'm getting are shards. Some are totally disconnected and have nothing to do with anything except trying to get me to the next point, to break through and continue to form the story.

Last night's writing was more of an experiment to spew everything that's in my head out so there are some sections that look a lot like this:

There are many ways that this story can go and sometimes, like those stories, I can be overwhelmed by choice. I remember a story I read that a classmate of mine in University had written where the characters were all standing around having a beer as the writer went out to have a drink trying to figure out what came next. At first I didn’t get it, but once the brilliance of the idea came across I had to wonder, did I just not get it or did he just not convey it properly? Both? I dunno, hard to say.

I leave my characters to sit and drink in lounges waiting for me to figure out what comes next all over the place. Perhaps there’s a bar that they’ve all made so that they could keep each other company.

The scene would be something like this:

Anastasia had been sitting in the parking lot forever waiting to see where it was she going to drive off to.

“Fuck it,” she declared, taking the keys out from the ignition and grabbing her things into her pockets. (I suppose stuffing her things into the pockets of her jackets, would be a more accurate way of putting it.)

She watched other patrons she vaguely knew or had heard of enter and exit the bar. Some were outside smoking as they were wont to do as, they could never figure out if the bar had actually allowed smoking in it or not. Laws came and went so quickly and the author had a penchant to change her mind that came and went at her whim.

She passed by a group standing next to the door and figured she’d check in on them later, if they decided to come in and hang out or leave.

On entering the bar, she spotted a seat that seemed to have been pre-cleared for her that night.

Maybe this was all pre-written too, she thought.

She took a seat and asked the bartender for a gin and tonic. Much like what she thought would be appropriate as that had been what she drank in those days.

“I’m Mike,” said a voice next to her.

She swiveled in her bar stool and directed herself at Mike.

“Mike? You’re Mike? Thee Mike,” and before he could answer, she said, “Nice to meet you.”

Mike looked in place and yet out of sorts. It was the only thing he could do as he was a non-character here in this world. He was an idea, a muse of sorts. He was inspiration.

“I know you but I don’t think we’ve met,” he said extending his hand.

She took a drink and shook his hand.

“You I know well,” she nodded and drank again. “I seem to have a lot of lore on you.”

“Is this all based on what could have beens? Is this all based on things that She’d like to do? I’m not exactly understanding what’s going on here. I mean, is this all based on Her whims to leave or not? Stay and figure things out or change?”

“Pre-cisely!” Anastasia winked and took another sip.

“I’m a bit more of a legend around here as the my story wasn’t supposed to have a neat little ending. My story had only to do with my getting over you. You’re not in it of course, outside from my understanding and knowing of you. Well, and how you affect me.”

Mind you that's just me throwing up words on a screen so there's no editing that has been done to it. I just thought I'd put that out there so that you all knew I was still writing, still working things out and not just lost to the void.

I know this comes from out of the blue for some... most? of you. I've tried not to bitch too much on here, minus a few slip ups. I know that some of you are still friends with the boy now known as Five. I'm trying to be, except he seems to be having none of it... or at least it feels that way.

I left. I ran from PDX. I knew it was time to go and although I know that it looked as though I left just to be with Stephen, that was not my only reason. I left because heartache awaited me had I stayed.

First off, I had given a part of me to Stephen... more than I had thought I would. Without him and with my tie to Da5id getting weaker and weaker by the day, I felt lost and empty. My marriage was over and I hadn't realized it. I had fallen in love with one of my best friends and he was halfway across the country. Things were messy, to say the least. I can survive on my own but I would not have done so well nor gracefully had I stayed.

I loved Da5id. Loved him more than people will know. Still love him. 10 years does not erase but does change how that works/ worked. Does it hurt still? Do I still fret, think about him and does the whole thing still plague my dreams? Yes.

Where my relationship with Da5id has degraded to has gotten to the point where I don't trust him. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in feeling as I do; no meds and no therapy make it hard for me to feel justified in my reactions. I guess that can be both good and bad. I have a hard time with trusting myself when I know that the BPD is not exactly in check.

Yesterday it all hit me. Everything I've known until now is gone. California, bits of Portland, my family... gone. They're all mixed up with memories of Da5id, a life we had made in 10 years' time. All gone. Friends, too. Dylan told me that part of the reason he dropped me had to do with him. Now Da5id's gone and so are the friends.
...

Everything I had worked for and built is gone. Think about that. It's mind boggling.

I'm still here, though. Perhaps even to the annoyance of some.

I'm fine. I'm great, even. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life, I feel utterly and totally free, for once. I could die tomorrow and be happy.

This does not mean that I won't feel the full force of what's happened and everything that's gone... and yesterday, that's exactly what happened.

My husband fell out of love with me a while ago. I put a stop to being the faux primary and ended an ending or already dead relationship that was really affecting me. An explanation was necessary to you, in my opinion.

Life is excellent. Stephen and I are awesome. I regained a partner in crime. My heart still broke down fully yesterday to mourn that which was... and it was a lifetime's worth. Leaving was the hardest easiest thing I've done because I left everything. Just remember that when you think that you don't understand what happened.

I'm forever. Life, however, changes.

This is Madison.

This means that I am her Tia Ceci.

I have a Tia Ceci. What I know of her is that I've always liked her and she has an amazing singing voice.

I hope Madison likes her Tia Ceci as much as I like mine.

Madison,

Welcome to the Mendez clan, Duckie. I hope I can help you in any way possible.

<3
Your Tia Ceci

This year I decided to do it again.

November is National Novel Writing Month and some of us crazies sign up here and challenge ourselves to write at least 50,000 words/ 175 pages by midnight on the 30th of November. I tried this in 2008 and succeeded (yay!) so I thought I'd try it again. Hopefully this time I'll take that challenge to do more than just hit my word mark.

My friend, Chloé is also participating this year and I wish her the best of luck!

:D