Sunday, June 14, 2009

All right. I've gotten a few emails and I think you guys need an explanation.

I am not doing well. The diagnosis meant meds and the meds meant that they would take time for me to get sorted. I've also had to regulate my sleep which meant a mild anti-depressant/ sedative. Without it I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep due to the manic.

Well, they weren't quite catching on so they upped the dosage of my anti-depressant. As of week 5 of the upped dosage and the mood stabilizer, I was still terrorizing the boyo and my loved ones. At the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday I let her know that my cognitive distortion problem was getting worse. Half the time I trust people and the other half I don't trust anyone. Not even the boyo, which is ludicrous as he's done so much to try and help me and puts up with the ranting and raving. I'm seeing demons everywhere, in a sense.

So they've added a new drug to my cocktail. This one is an SSRI which works differently than the rest in that it ups the amount of serotonin. I've had this type before. The paxil made me blissed out and numb. Not to mention the sexual side effects which just really made me more depressed. It was a lot like when you feel like you have to sneeze and it just ends in a sort of "huh." Not satisfying AT ALL. The next one was Lexapro which was much better but I had a weight gain problem which ALSO made me depressed 'cause I didn't feel right in my own skin. It also toned me down a bit, but didn't numb me. I didn't notice this until they switched me to the Wellbutrin which is less invasive and I was a lot more fiesty. It felt like I had woken up from a long sleep.

So I'm not happy about the new drug, but I understand why it's necessary right now.

What does this have to do with my posting?

Mostly I don't post because I don't want to just post about how shitty I feel and end up having whiney posts. I know that my friends want to know what's wrong as no one has heard from me, so that's why I'm posting now. As JuggleJane said to me, if that's what you're feeling and going through, just post that. It's not that it's too personal to share since... well I'm a pretty open book. It's to save you from post after dreary post about how I'm tired of crying, tired of fighting and tired of being tired. It's boring me.

The instinct is to shut down and hole up but I have to fight that. So I fill my days with stuff to do. Work is terribly busy as we have a lot of projects and we're in the midst of moving offices and I'm in charge of coordinating, buying furniture, making sure the wiring and repairs are done, etc. Then it's off to the gym which I do 6 days a week to try to feel better and up the endorphins. I'm now wondering if I should make it 7. Some nights I hang out with friends... some nights I watch a movie or 30 Rock with the boyo. Movie night is mondays and we've been trying to go out on weekends more.

So by the time 9 pm rolls around, I'm generally pretty tired (and sore from the gym) and I sort of glaze over. I stare at Eddie the Shipboard Computer and I think, I need to write, I need to post, and I open up a browser window, go to this here blog and... stare at the space that I'm supposed to fill with words, which obviously doesn't happen.

I'll try to get to the emails you sent me this week and update you a bit more or answer your questions, but I thought that I'd offer up some sort of explanation for now.

Virtue out.


Bee said...

:o( What else can I say?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update, m'dear... we don't mind how the posts sound... we want to be involved and hear how you are doing... we care about you and love you lots... well, at least I do... so I want to know... I understand how you might not feel like posting... but we want to be a part of this battle... we want to help you through it... okay?

Marginalia said...

I miss you, and I'm always interested in what you have to say. You have certainly talked me through some dark periods, do please allow me to return the favor if you feel up to it.

Anonymous said...

i love you. that is all.

Betsy said...

You have so many people who care about you who are silently rooting for you, you know. If there's anything I can do - ANYTHING - you have only to ask.