Reconciling Saints

I have a routine.

It starts with waking up.

Some days I never want to and I feel like I can sleep for ages, but I know I have to. I sit there for a few minutes savoring the comfort of my bed, the feel of Stephen beside me and negotiating with myself for just a few more minutes in bed. Finally I get out of bed; I know I just have to do it.

After comes the morning routine of getting dressed, washing my face, brushing my teeth and getting my lunch for the day.

This part is easier.

Once at work I grab my coffee and settle in. It's comfortable there, sitting with my coffee, reading my emails while idly chit chatting with the 2 gals that work in my office. Next I make a list to have a visual of what needs to get done that day, taking note of those with high priority.

I like lists.

At some point during the day I lose focus, which can be bad. All of a sudden I need a break, some sort of diversion or inspiration, something that will help me get on with the day. This can go one of 2 ways. The first is just that I get a little distracted for a moment and it slows my productivity down. If I'm lucky, this is the way it goes. The second is the toughest one to handle. I don't want to be there, don't want to worry about the things I need to and that that is somehow supposed to take priority in my life. Basically it all becomes sorter meaningless.

Work ends, no matter what, and I go to the gym. I go because I have to, because it helps combat the icks. It's VERY difficult to do when I have the feeling that it's all meaningless, but I somehow still can convince myself that, especially then, it's important.

Gym is done and I go home and shower. Once I'm done, Stephen is usually on his way or already home.

Dinner.

Hang out a little with Stephen, which can be fine or can go wrong... it just depends on both of our head spaces.

Then I start all over again.

I learned how to go through my routine when I was first diagnosed. I learned that sometimes it's just as hard as putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that it'll get simpler from there on.

It's how I survive in life when things are tough. Looking at it now, written here, I can see where improvements can be made, where things I do might be making it worse, where I could replace certain bits with something more creative.


If ever this schedule is thrown off on one of my off days, though, I get especially moody. I really hate that. If I can see that I'm doing that, I try to breathe and tell myself that it's ok that things aren't going the way I had them laid out. It's like Rainman... and Judge Wapner. Serious freak out, yo.

It's not always like this. Sometimes I have great days where everything is spontaneous. However, inevitably, there are times when I'm a little weaker.

So I stick to the routine... and that gets me by.