Reconciling Saints

Here we go with the suicide topic again.

It's been kind of big in my life as of late. No, I don't mean me.

I wish I could tell you that it's something we had an answer for. I wish someone could tell me that there were answers for it. But there isn't.

All I know is that sometimes you can't save someone from themselves no matter how much support they have. Sometimes being there for that person, letting them know how much you love them, or how much you listen and try to guide them just isn't enough for them. All we can do is hope that the message gets through and that it's enough for them to keep up the battle to find the light they're not seeing.

It's scary. Even knowing all this, it's more than I can bear.

We always end up asking ourselves, is this something that I could have helped with? Unfortunately, the answer isn't always yes.

Nothing new, right?

I guess mainly I had to write this for me so that I can work through everything in my head in a sort of... logical way. It helps when I write. I may not come up with any answers and it may not help me feel happy again but it does help put it into perspective, I guess.

However, I have to remember that sometimes we are enough... friends, family, our support group... sometimes it does make a world of difference. Right now, I just hope it's enough.

Good luck out there guys. Life is brutal.

Today in Ceci's world, I'm trying to get everything in order for a course I will be teaching in the fall at the university.

That's right, I will be an instructor for a course on information literacy and critical thinking through the College of Communication and Information.
Seriously.

I never thought I'd be asked to be an instructor, really, and this sort of just fell into my lap. Having the time and trying to gain experience in more than... well, more than what I have experience in (which is actually a lot of miscellaneous things)... I decided, Sure! Why not?? 

Well, it's a face-to-face class that meets Tuesdays and Thursdays and starts the day after I get back from London.

THE DAY AFTER I GET BACK FROM LONDON!

Soooooo this girl has to be ready to hit the ground running on the 24th of August for something she's never done before. I have to be able to stand up in front of a class of 18- to 20-year-olds and teach them stuff. Also, lecture them about something... and figure out a way to spend about an hour?? doing this. I guess there should likely be some discussion in there somewhere. Or not. I mean... it's my class, right???? heh.

Bizarre, no?

Well, at least that's how it seems to me. Bizarre because a lot of the time I don't know how I end up where I end up. Things just sort of... happen!

Hey, look! The girl who just kind of Lifes is teaching a course at a university!

I guess this blog that's currently been about mental health and my writing is now going to add a bit on my adventures in teaching.

This... should be interesting.

Ten years ago I started this blog as The Bride. I started it because, despite it being my second marriage, I was going to have a wedding. Like... get-a-dress-and-book-the-reception-hall wedding. Never thought I'd do that. In fact, I never thought I'd be a bride in that sense, or a bride at all again after the first marriage. So the blog was to sort of chart my way through it.

Well, guess what? That marriage didn't last. Ten years together (funny, that), 2 of them married, and it didn't last. As the couples therapist put it, we all change every 5-7 years (give or take) and sometimes we don't change in the same ways. So that's what happened, the ex and I could no longer communicate; our boy and girl Legos no longer fit. The therapist pointed out that we had had a good run - 10 years was a good run, really. We just had to look at it as a new phase that we can't move forward to together. That actually made sense to me and still makes sense. We evolve and hopefully for the better. 5-7 years is forever for the person that you were at that time. So that's what happened to The Bride.


A little less than a year after I started The Bride (but before the end of the second marriage), I changed the name to its current one. I believe it was during the Exile that the blog changed... because times had changed. I was traveling a lot, I had gotten myself into a very sticky situation (that is quite the understatement), and I was moving from Long Beach, California to Portland, Oregon. Life was... everything. This was also pre-diagnosis so things were quite amped.

I wrote about dark times, wonderous wandering, new adventures, and interesting/exciting things.

Then... there was a long darkness. Then a mad shake up during the dissolution of my second marriage and moving across the country to Lexington, Kentucky.

Then... then... well, I guess I just didn't know what to do with this blog.

Now it's sort of where I post about Bipolar Disorder and other mental health stuff. Some of it has to do with the novel I'm writing and some of it has to do with writing about my own struggles in order to be honest and open with it. I try to advocate for the... destigmatization of mental illness. I mean... as I've often said, it shouldn't be any different than anything else that affects a person; heart condition, diabetes, etc. There are things in our bodies that don't always work like they should so we have to do things to make it right... or at least make it something that doesn't impede our living. You know?


I think it's necessary to write about my ups and downs with Bipolar Disorder. However, I really miss the adventurous, funny, and surreal life. Perhaps I need to get back to that because this... what's going on here in my head and having to put myself back into the Bipolar mode to write the main character in the book... it's not helping. I have to remember the words of Saul Bellow:

In seeing the news about the morons who make the rules meeting about our healthcare and what they came up with, it really hit me that the healthcare I rely on (which isn't the best, mind you) might go away in... what? Less than a year?

How long, really, will it take them to totally get rid of the Affordable Care Act? If they do, that is. I know there's a chance if we all speak up and some of those morons get their heads out of their asses.
Asking for a friend.

Well, let's say that they have it out by 2018... that's less than 6 months away which isn't really a long time.

As I see it, I have two choices: I either have to find a job - any job - that offers healthcare OR I need to get ready for The Battle. Honestly, I'm going for the latter. I'm tired of getting a job just because of something like health care or money (by money, I mean more money).

This morning's run was powered by getting ready to do battle. because I know that I have to battle every day... and it's a bit scary to know that the tools and medication that I have right now could likely go away. I know I can't stay in this head space forever... and, frankly, I've already lost touch of some of what I know to do.

Thinking about it is scary. No meds. I know I can do it for a while, I've done it before when I didn't have health care, but I don't think that being unmedicated in the long run (for most of us) is a good thing.