Reconciling Saints

So a few days ago Kat got an airport express in order for us to be able to sit here and do exactly what it is we're doing now... and that is sitting and ignoring each other, she in the chair, me on the sofa, both on our laptops.
The problem, however, came when we couldn't get it to work... so then we had to have the boys look at it. Da5id finally got it to work by ignoring everything we told him about what it should be doing (if Tallz would have not listened to us, perhaps he could have gotten it working a day earlier). So now! We have have WiFi!

This means I can:
-sit on the porch and write
-not have to use Kat's computer (I miss my presets... I like my links and I'm just used to Eddie)
-listen to Big Sonic Heaven again! (I introduced Kat and Tallz to it and it's now something we have to do on the big computer...with speakers... hopefully, every night it's on)

SO!

This means that I will now be able to post more!

YAY!

well... except tonight... well, tonight I'm spending the night with the boyo... and if that sounds like a "so what?" well... it's a big thing since we live in different place and it's been about a month since we've been able to get together!

ciao!

Ok so I’m here in Portland, finally! I feel like I’m so far from everything ‘cause my routine… or rather, the things I have available to me to do are not available. Does that make sense?

I had set it up so that there were things available to me to do… it wasn’t always routine, but I could if I wanted to type of thing, you know? It’s hard when there’s no talk of a job and no talk of an apartment… just trying to situate myself in the for now. Whilst at my parents’ … because I didn’t know the timing of it, I started my own routine… adjusting it when I was on assignment. God knows that the last week’s routine was a bit much *it consisted of a lot of drinking*

However! However… I’m feeling still a bit optimistic. I feel that it’ll all fall into place… and for that reason I’m trying to spend my time writing, so that I can work on that too and get that going.

There’s a little part of me that’s very hopeful about how things will go. There’s a little part that looks at this like a big adventure… the staying with Kat… the time to write. It’s what I have… it’s what I hoped for.

AND THEN… yes, there’s always an “and then” isn’t there?

I’m on the verge of having it all slip away. I’m easily distracted and my heart’s doing that beating too fast thing that happens when I have too much coffee… except I haven’t; the cup I purchased is the first of the day. My mind feels faintly on the verge of falling apart.

Confession: I’m off my meds and have been for the past 6 days. Not on purpose. I went to refill them only to find that the insurance I have through the temp agency does not cover prescriptions and a bottle of my meds will cost me $600… and that’s the generic.
Oddly, I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would be given the situation. Still, I can feel the slight distractions, the fuzziness at the edges, the slight panic that threatens to be unleashed. I get a little scared but mainly I keep telling myself that if I just ignore it, just concentrate on the incredible, that I will be ok and that I will not have a break down from going off my meds cold turkey.

…

How can I put this? I’m scared to death of losing it completely. I’m scared of falling off that precarious edge that I constantly find myself on. There’s so much that can happen.

What I have to remember, however, is that I’m stronger than that… we’re all stronger than that. How we choose to deal with the situation is the difference. I also know that there are things like the choices that make us wonder WHY it is that we’re right when it seems so very clear that we’re crazy.

Fuck… I keep losing my train of thought… I keep getting vaguely distracted which is keeping me from putting this whole thing into focus.

The overview is: things are good… strangely so. What with everything that could go… better, it’s still really good. Why? Well, first of all, I’m here in Portland, like I said I’d be. Secondly, I’m now at least in the same state as the boyo, even if not the apartment let alone the same city. I’m quite happy/ shocked/ amazed to be here and that things are moving along as they have been.

Also, just because you’re crazy and you do things that most people would consider disastrous, doesn’t mean that you’re wrong… or that crazy is a bad thing.
Think about THAT!

because...

that's why...

I think I'm going to make myself the star of my own show... and I'm going to promote the HELL out of me.... it...
...
same thing.

this girl is feeling silly...

Today my eyes hurt... I don't know WHY... it might be the sweat that ran into them during spin class + contact lenses (now off). 'Spossible. Also, with the combo of the stinging eyes and wearing my glasses... I've got this horrid little headache going on at the back of my head. Owie!

So for the first ever I washed my brushes today. What's this, you ask? You know! You're supposed to clean your make-up brushes. The MAC girl said to use some shampoo. That seemed simple enough.
...
I've questions...
How long do I wash them for??? Lather, Rinse, Repeat? Do I need to blow-dry them? Would a diffuser help? What's it for anyway!? Will they go back to their nice and normal brush-like selves after or will they get all clumpy??

Seriously! I have not a clue... and it seems like... I should have left well enough alone!

Did I ever mention that I'm not very good at a)being a girl and b) being an adult???

So yesterday was my last session with my trainer at the gym... and I don't feel any different
:(
I know, I know...
first of all it was only 5 sessions... second of all, I've only been going to the gym like a maniac for 2 months straight. I mean REALLY going... mainly because I was trying to stay sane here and it helps the depression.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're too critical of yourself??? I do. I'm not fat... but I'm not small either. The weird thing is that I think that I'm bigger than I look. That's not what bothers me so much, though. What bothers me is that I don't like the way I look naked and I don't usually feel good in my own skin. This, in my opinion, is a problem.

Here's the thing: I know that most people aren't comfortable in their own skin and/ or don't like the way they look/ think they look fat. Still!!
Still... I'm not content with this. I mean... I'm not saying that I think I should look like Kate Winslet... whom I think at least looks normal when it comes to starletts... and GOD knows that Selma Hayek is probably a freak of nature (who looks like that!? and at her size!?) Still.

The way I gauge it is if I feel right in my skin. I think ... I think it's been since October/ November ('07) that I felt that way. Then again... I do SO love the fall... so maybe it also had to do with stuff going on around me.

I guess I just want to know: how many people really usually feel right in their skin?? I wanna know! 'Cause ... if this is just something I have to get over... then I need to get on that... which is generally what I think it is.

So I'm thinking a lot about relationships and the like. I've been working on my little story "This is not a Love Song" which has to do with falling in love under... undesirable circumstances... and miracles. I'm trying to tell the story of the other side... the side that leaves... that falls for someone else... because ... because I feel like the people who leave... who try to find happiness elsewhere, deserve better!

Why is it that when we're selfish... when we know what's good for us and what we want it's considered a bad thing??

Take for example my last marriage: I was not happy in it and he wasn't paying me the attention I deserved. He apologized too late... and I realized I needed and wanted more.... and I was the bad guy! How does that happen??? I mean... what happened to his part of the vows? If he stops being considerate of me, stops being interested in me, isn't HE the bad guy then?? I mean, why are these things things that people can let slide, but if I start seeing someone else, if after trying to beat life into my marriage and failing, I give up, why is this so much worse?? I've always felt like the bad guy...but..!!! but... I know the truth... and that is... that I respect myself more than that and I will bring anyone down that stands between me and my happiness! Just as I expect the same to be done to me if I start slacking on my part. Sure, I might not realize it at the time... but I will at some point... and I'll accept it. Or at least... I have.

It's not easy to stand for what one thinks is right, even in small ways in one's own life. There's so much that people think I do backwards in general that I do because it's what I can live with, it's what's true for me and to me. True, I could make life easier...

I never do things easily, it's true... but that has made all the difference.

...and who wants easy?! BO-ring!

I know... all this is random... but I just thought I'd say... you know *shrugs* why not??
Just saying...

...oh and... I could KISS Darren Revell for playing Plainsong by the Cure on Big Sonic Heaven tonight...
*swoons*