Reconciling Saints

I'd like to say I'm sorry, Jim.

You were always nice to me, always thought of me with things like taking me to see Madness at the Troubadour, and I repaid you by allowing it all to happen. Some call it aiding and abetting. I didn't cause it, but I didn't help; I was an accessory. I was more concerned with my friend's needs than I was to yours... or even your marriage. It should not have happened like that.

Would it help if I told you she was going to do it anyway? That nothing I said would have changed much - didn't change much- save for the fact that she wouldn't have had an alibi?

I'm sorry for the betrayal, I'm sorry for my part in it. I was only trying to save her when she seemed so lost because she had always done the right thing... because she thought she had to be the Good Girl. I was trying to help her embrace her whole self - her true self - all of her, which include the bad bits. When we own up and embrace our faults and the ugly bits, then we can be happy because we can completely be ourselves. That's what I wanted for her; I wanted her to stop doing what she thought she was supposed to do and just be her.

... but not like that. Or rather, I knew you were a casualty of it and you had to be, ... but not like that.

For that, I'm sorry.


*A Choppy Yet Sincere Apology is a title of a Riverboat Gamblers song I actually find quite... true for my life. I wish I'd come up with such a good title for apologies I've had to make or will never actually make. You can find it here.

1. I promise to never go home early/ not do something just because I'm concerned as to whether or not my boyfriend is having a good time. I would stick around if it was the other way 'round. When I have before, I've generally found that I can enjoy it, especially by just letting go and letting be. I mean, Hell! I put myself in the situation!*
2. I will stop working myself into a tizzy.  If I'm not happy with it, I need to talk about, get over it, or say no. Simple.
3. I control me. I have final say on what I choose to do… or not do… and what I am willing to put up with. PATEOTS!**
4. I will remember that I know I am self-reliant. I am not some damsel in this dress,*** therefore I will not feel dismissed if I don't get the help that I never asked for (see also work-myself-into-a-tizzy). I can do it myself; I didn't want, ask, or need the help. Just because person A doesn't offer to help me do B does not mean one should be second guessing their loyalty/ reliability. If I haven't asked for help when I do need it and I don't get it, it's no one's fault but my own; people can't read my mind no matter how well they know me.****
5. I will be wooed and I will be loved. Anything less is inexcusable. I need to love me enough to know that I'm worth someone loving me just as much as I love me… and them... if they're lucky.
6. I'm not a doormat.
7. I promise to hold my partner responsible for the other half of the partnership, illness and special circumstances excluded (limited time offer).
8. That being said… I promise not to try to hold up all of the partnership. I will ask for help when I need it and not just expect it (see the bit about people not reading my mind).  One cannot and should not do it all by one’s self… not in the long run, anyway.
9. I promise to keep the knowledge of how awesome I am with me at all times. Certain exclusions apply for humility when necessary and/ or called for.
10.  I promise that the one thing I know is that I don't know everything. I will continue to learn and remember that learning can come from anywhere, even the person that seems to be the dumbest person I know.*****