Reconciling Saints

SO!

The good news is that Skins is coming to BBC America!

The bad news? Da5id and I decided that cable was not important and therefore was an unnecessary expense. I was a little tempted once I heard this, but I thought about it rationally and thought... well if it's on BBC America now, then it shan't be long 'til it's on DVD. :D

I hope I'm right.

I am pleased to report that we now have a place called Home!

Really... where does time go?

I feel like I can't get a good grasp on things. Usually, the next thing I know, it's a week later than when I had first planned on doing X,Y and Z. What happens?
I have a list of things that I not only have to do, but want to do and i can't freakin' get around to doing it.

WHY!?

I'm still blaming displacement.

It's been FOREVER since I've talked to Stephen... or... I don't feel I update on here nearly enough. The gym goes by the wayside. Writing people that I want to drops off too. I've been trying to write my sister since 2 weeks ago!

Why is it that I'm all of a sudden trapped in a land where time slips by like clutching sand?

Is it just me? Do I need to time manage myself better?

Huh.

I really wish I knew.

SO!

it seems that I'm a raging alcoholic. YES! That's right, I've been hard charging 'cause... well it's been birthday week... and I've done nothing but DRINK. This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing in my world. It might be in yours... but, whatever. So today I... ok WE decided that we weren't going to our usual happy hour because we needed a break from the drinking.

WELLL.... cut to a few hours later and I've finished the vodka (mind you, there was only enough for 2...ok MAYBE 3 tall vodka and lime juice), plus I'm finishing (have finished by the time it posts) off the big jug o' wine (it's not actually a jug but one of those big 750 ml bottles).

...

I worry...
I called my favorite alcoholic, Stephen, and he didn't answer so here I am, subjecting poor Da5id and William (one of whom is hiding out playing W.O.W. and the other is actually putting up with me and talking... your guess as to which is which).

So .... SO!
aside from my slightly worried check on myself... I'm thinking of a shit load of things.

Right now I'm remembering my childhood... and I'm thinking of my choice as to how I choose not to be a parent... and I'm thinking of the really hard times when I thought it definitely couldn't get any worse than this, and I'm thinking of music that I lost and then found again.

I spent most of this "off" night talking to friends and listening to music. I talked to Matt whom I haven't talked to in quite some time.... and I talked to William about music, new and old.

This drunken rambling is not the point.

The point is that I've touched on a lot of "touchy" subjects with William in my very light way of doing so and he makes it SO EASY! This, I keep thinking, is how it should be. I should be able to talk to all my friends so easily about things.
... hmmmm... this, however, again is not my point.

So I want to talk about the lessons I've learned in that way that I have of talking about this so easily.

There are lessons to everything and none of them are easy, but all of them are worth it. That, in a nutshell, ladies and jellyspoons, is what it's all about. For me, life ticks down to the lessons I've learned, all of them hard and all of them worth it. I think a few months ago I posted something about how if you're not feeling like you're going to throw up, then it's not worth it... or something of the sort.

Look... I'm here to tell you I've survived, if that's what you want to call it, a lot of shit. I've dealt with depression and I'm still here. I've been through 2 abortions (yes, that's right... it's the choice I made, and no matter what, I don't question these choices) and I'm still here. I've been married (twice) and divorced (only once... and I hope that that remains such... but to preserve me, I do hope you know I'll do it again) and I'm still here. I've been arrested but never convicted(The DA threw it out) and I'm still here... Life throws some CRAZY shit at you, but you know what? You'll still be there... and you'll be better for it.

Heartbroken? maybe.
Confused? For the time being, most definitely!
Alive? Very much so!

Sometimes you come across things, and for me these are usually songs, that remind you of the wounds. I can't help but listening to them. Wounds, especially the ones that have been scabbed over, are just marks that remind me that I'm alive. This is life. This is all part of it. I wouldn't want anything more than this... I don't want anything less... if I don't feel, then how the hell am I living.

Right now, literally... right now... I found a song that I seriously had forgotten all about until I played the whole Here CD.

The song is Scava by Here and it has me in tears. I used to listen to this album on the way to work... and it wasn't long after the Kate Bush episode (as I like to call it) when John had told me that maybe...just maybe we didn't have to share everything with each other. I would get to work... early, back in those days... and before I could begin my miserable ('cause that's how it felt) little day, I would play this song. It was ... knowing... just knowing that this was it, that I wasn't happy. It's odd that I can still feel that feeling of, well, almost hopelessness now... the feeling of, "What have I done and how am I going to get out of this?" that overwhelms me just listening to this.

...

Sometimes one gets stuck in a situation where one wonders, "How in the hell am I going to get through this?" or even a "Please, just let me get through this." I've been there and... I've survived all this and more. So... it's just part of my life... it's just part of learning. I know how it looks, and I know how it sounds... but seriously, people, some of the toughest things one has to do in life, are also the most liberating, and the more I go through, the more I want... well, More!

I don't get much pay right now, I don't have a place to call home and I sure as hell don't have a lot of money... but MAN! I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have Da5id, I have a path and a dream to follow, and most importantly, I have me!

and I've never wanted more...

Saturday I was going to put up an "away message" since I spent the whole day reading Breaking Dawn. I bought it at 1pm, got it home by 2pm and did not put it down until 2am.
That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'm still trying to learn how to balance everything in this chaotic atmosphere. It's only chaotic in that things change from day to day and I'm still getting used to all of this new. I keep trying to post more, but things like house hunting, meeting new people, seeing my new city, spending TIME with my husband (who also gets lost in all this) and all sorts of other things.

Today I realized that I thoroughly miss this. I miss the time I would just sit here and write. It's addicting, it's meditative, it feeds something in me that I;ve found out I just need to do, and that is to write.

It's funny how the things one loves in life are the hardest things. I love music... it's not VERY hard to listen to it... but it's very hard to create and it's hard to keep up with. I like books and keeping up with the pile of books I seem to always have to read is incredible. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's not easy. Keeping Da5id in my life from day one was difficult! I had to fight for a feeling I had that I new I was right despite the fact that I hurt someone in the process, despite the fact that I never thought I'd re-neg on my word. Living how I'd like to live is very tough indeed. It requires a lot of mental push. I have no other way to describe it than that. It has nothing to do with money or ability, it has just to do with pushing myself to do that which I think is right and that which I want. Easier said than done!

I demand a lot out of my life. I demand to that I live, I demand that I feel, and I demand that I be exactly who I am. Wow that sounds like it should be pretty freakin' easy, doesn't it? It's not. Why? Because I want more. I don't want just some job... and if I have just some job I better damn well believe in the people and the job. Let me put it to you this way: from this perspective, there are a lot of jobs that I was hoping to get that I know am so glad I didn't. However, the money thing still comes and hits me in the head about this one, where my heart says, umm... NO! Why would I whore myself out like that?

...

Hahahahaa!

The point!
The point is that we all have to remind ourselves that we have dreams and we should be reaching them. If you feel someone could love you better, then that's what you should go after, no matter how hard. If you feel like you need a different job, you should be looking for that too. If you feel like you can be a writer, then for GOD' S SAKE write already!