System Malfunction... dysfunction... whatever...

Yes, how do they do it?

So the side effect I hate... I think I'd say the most (even more than weight gain) is in full force.

That's right ladies and gents! The higher dosage of Celexa lowered my libido. HA! (See what I did there??) In an attempt to fix this, we're backing down the Celexa to the original dose and pumping up the Lamictal.

YAY!

Fun with side effects and my sex life!

Seriously, I feel broken and no one wants a broken girl. Oh cruel life! I go from hyper-sexual to non-sexual with no middle ground. WTF?!

What good is life without sex?! The universal question, people, the universal question.

Lessons in Love

A Softer World

(I wish I didn't have to explain my sense of humor...)

You know, I've had to explain my love life a lot recently. Some of it is because I chose to out us (and therefore Da5id went along with it) and the rest is the subsequent fall out.
...
Well, that is with one exception.

Love is HARD! It's not only hard to find, hard to get and hard to keep, it's also hard to GROW! Did'ja know tha?

A lot of the learning process of these varying steps not only IS difficult but it looks a MESS! Ask any of your friends if they think you and so-and-so are doing well at such times and they're more than likely to look away... or WORSE! Walk away!

I've done this. I've seen friends go through hard times... really hard times... and think, "Oh man! That's not good at ALL!" There were times that I even felt like I should do something. Then I remember the one thing I learned from Bridget Jones' Diary (well, the one non-silly thing) - one does not always see the nuances of a couple's day-to-day life. The couple might be going through some issues that they're working on resolving and, especially in the case of Da5id and me, passionately fight for it and fling words/ do things to try and hurt the other. This doesn't mean that despite all this, it doesn't work. Sometimes it is because of all that that it DOES work.

Essentially, just because Da5id and I hurt each other and sometimes seem like we're hellbent on injuring/ killing each other, doesn't mean that I don't love him JUST as passionately. M put it this way - the first few weeks we were living in the house she wondered what sort of roommates she had gotten. She continued on to say that, after those weeks, she figured out that that's how Da5id and I work; she and Cedric talk, Da5id and I react first then talk later.

I guess the key here is that we talk. Communication IS key and we HAVE learned this.

Da5id and I realize that it gets pushed a little far in our case. We're so used to fighting that it's hard not to. It's not so much that we're used to fighting each other, but fighting for who we are and what we believe in, as my therapist says. Growing up we fought our parents to be who we are and do what we did. In school we had to learn the same. It's hard to stop fighting when it's what we have to do to be us. Basically, we just need to come to the realization we don't have to fight each other nor our friends who truly understand us. Sometimes, though, it's hard to know who to fight against.

I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance.

I HAVE met my match and I knew that the moment I realized what I had in a marriage back then was not what was true to me nor what I wanted. I knew that the good friend who listened to everything I felt, did and wanted without flinching was someone that could handle me... and I him. Our so called sins weren't sins to each other, our thoughts weren't silly, and we couldn't hear enough of each others' life stories, no matter how hard they were to hear. Here was my equal; he gives as good as I give and he takes as good as I take.

I cannot put it into words, although I have tried in these posts here and here. Da5id has, as well, here and here.

I had always wished that the ex-boyo could see that Da5id and I were right, that one day he'd understand... and recently he did:

Ex-boyo: the other day i read something

12:43 PM i was stalking da5id

and read some note

me: HAHAHAH

Ex-boyo: and he talked about you and how much he loved you basically

and its weird like

i dont think i really felt like you two had anything special

if that makes sense

and i saw all this

and realized wow

they really are in love

in that really special way

12:44 PM and i felt really happy

for you

me: yes :D

thank you

we're... retarded for each other

Ex-boyo: i dunno if that makes sense

me: no

it makes total sense

Ex-boyo: but its a hard thing to like

come to terms with for me lol

its funny because at this point

any bitter jaded bone has long since faded

so now i can see reality you know

...

We are not conventional nor have we ever done things conventionally; not so much because we want to be unconventional but because we just are. Every time we try to do things by the book, it bites us in the ass and makes a change in this relationship that just doesn't work because we're trying to be something we're not. When we follow our gut, which I'll admit does have a rather unusual inclination, we end up better for it.

I wish I could explain what we have, what we are. We burn as much as we build and, like that fire, we feed on that. How else does a fire live but by having something to consume? Oddly, it never seems to burn out and this is, in the purest essence, us.

If anything, I can only equate us to Heathcliff and Catherine in Wuthering Heights, but a good deal more civil (seriously... I wouldn't marry someone else to spite him and ruin my own happiness).

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it...Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."

Emily Brontë

" 'Cause my heart caught fire... went up in flames..."

Just some of the people I love...

David

Leigh and Dora

Da5id

stePHen and Neely

Mae

M

çædric

I love you guys and I'm quite lucky to know you.

Things I like...

Click on it to read it

This is one of my favorite Neil Gaiman Poems. Every time I see it, I want to buy it. However, every time I want to buy it, I remind myself that there are other things I need that money for... like France.

Daily Om...

February 5, 2010 Finding Your Tribe Your Allies On Life’s Journey Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution. Part of being human is the search for an individual identity. Bound to this strong need to establish a unique persona, however, is an equally intense desire for acceptance. It is when we find our individual tribes that both are satisfied. Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are without reservation and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution. Among them, we feel free to be our imperfect selves, to engage unabashedly in the activities we enjoy, and to express our vulnerabilities by relying on our tribe for support. We feel comfortable investing our time and energy in the members of our tribe, and are equally comfortable allowing them to invest their resources in our development. The individuals who eventually become members of your unique tribe are out there in the wide world waiting for you. You are destined to find them, one by one, as you move through life. Sometimes your own efforts will put you in contact with your future tribe members. At other times, circumstances beyond your control will play a role in helping you connect with your tribe. If you look about you and discover that you are already allied with a wonderful and supportive tribe, remember that there are likely many members of your tribe you have not yet met. On the other hand, if you feel you are still living outside of your tribe, broadening your horizons can help you find your tribe members. However your life develops after you come together with your tribe, you can be assured that its members will stand at your side. On the surface, your tribe may seem to be nothing more than a loose-knit group of friends and acquaintances to whom you ally yourself. Yet when you look deeper, you will discover that your tribe grounds you and provides you with a sense of community that ultimately fulfills many of your most basic human needs.

Thanks

I'd like to thank all those that are worried about my sanity. It really is very sweet and I'm not saying this in a sarcastic way. What I wish you'd do to better understand it, however, is talk to me. If you're worried... call me and find out what's going on. 

The only thing that's causing the crazy to go off right now is being misunderstood (in my opinion) and losing people I love when not given a chance to explain AND SO therefore misunderstood.

Sincerely, thank you. However, it would help you and me if you'd just talk to me about it. I don't understand diagnosing the patient without seeing or talking to the patient.

Also, anyone who is concerned about my meds and the taking of MDMA, here's a little study:

'Reduction of Effects

SSRIs tend to cause reduced physiological and mental effects when taken before MDMA. A study for which there was a poster at the College on Problems of Drug Dependence in June of 2002, administered 20mg Paroxetine (Paxil, a common dosage) orally to subjects for 3 days before administering MDMA. Subjects had reduced experiential and physiological responses to the MDMA. See http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=1388.

An important study by Liechti et al., concerning the effects of SSRI pretreatment on subjective MDMA effects in humans, administered Citalopram (an SSRI) at 40mg by IV and found that the Citalopram reduced physiological and emotional responses:

"The main result of this study is that the psychoactive effects of 1.5 mg/kg MDMA were substantially attenuated by pretreatment with the SSRI citalopram (40 mg iv). Citalopram inhibited most of the psychological effects of MDMA. MDMA-induced increases in positive mood, derealization and depersonalization phenomena, thought disorder, and the loss of thought and body control were all attenuated by citalopram pretreatment. MDMA-evoked intensification of sensory perception, changes in the meaning of percepts, and subjectively facilitated imagination were also inhibited by citalopram as compared to MDMA alone. Citalopram alone also lowered scores on some scales compared to placebo. Most of these changes, however, were clearly due to side effects of citalopram such as fatigue, headache, and nausea, which influenced the mood rating. MDMA also produced marked increases in emotional excitability and sensitivity that, however, were not reduced by citalopram."
See http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=392.

"We investigated the effect of citalopram pretreatment (40 mg i.v.) on vegetative and cardiovascular effects of MDMA (1.5 mg/kg p.o.) in a double-blind placebo-controlled study in 16 healthy volunteers. MDMA moderately increased blood pressure and heart rate, slightly elevated body temperature and produced a broad range of acute and shortterm side-effects. Citalopram reduced all these MDMA-induced physiological changes except for body temperature."
See http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=1073. '

http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=392

The SSRI that I am on is called Celexa. I feel little to nothing when on MDMA. SSRIs are serotonin dumpers which is essentially what MDMA does. So if you're concerned about my serotonin levels, just know they were fucked before and it takes a HELL of a dump to right me. 

This does not mean I should become a regular user, but I would like to assure everyone that I'm not hell bent on destroying myself.