Ok so I'm not 100%...

This is the Ceci we all know and love (pictures thanks to JuggleJane):

*This is Ceci trying not to waste any sake whilst at sushi on our last night in London

I'm not posting much as I'm trying not to whine.

How shall I put this??

I'm trying to post when on an up swing, not so much so that everyone thinks I'm fine, but ... well it's hard to discuss. First of all, when I'm down it's almost like I'm blocked; I don't know what to say about it or how to convey the feelings properly. I figured, rather than just whine about it and grope around trying to figure out how to say what I'm trying to say, I just won't. Seems easier... and less whiny.

I know there are people that have bigger problems than mine, and I really just feel weak when I see my rants because they sound so foolish, sound so much less intense than I feel them.

Then again, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm feeling them a lot more strongly than they are, get me?

For anyone who's curious, you can find info on bipolar disorder here. When you look at the symptoms and wonder which ones I have/ have had/ make me question who I am, just know that I can give you a few very good examples of all of them.

So for now, just know that I'm being sent to a psychiatrist for further evaluation and to most likely try on some new meds. If you want to know what's going on on a day-to-day basis... well, you can always call or email me.

I'll post on here whenever I have something to share. However, here's a warning: it might not be a lot... and it might not be very often. Things change on a daily basis here at Chez Ceci; I have a hard time keeping up with myself!

*shrugs*

I'm reconciling saints and finding that, more often than not, there were bad things done in the guise of what was thought to be good.

From the wish list...

If I had money to not only pay everything I need to pay AND have enough to send the boyo and me to Edinburgh for Asef's wedding, I would buy myself/ask the boyo for this for the upcoming 33rd Annual Ceci celebration:


I've wanted to learn to play one ever since I used to watch Lori Singer (as Julie) on Fame.


One of the guys here at work is letting me borrow his Cello to play around with/ practice on (take lessons with???) and I'm all a-flutter. I'm very happy with this, as it's a beginning!

Instead, for the celebration I'm hoping at least to get the new IAMX album, which comes out on the day of my 33rd celebration. This also will do me JUST fine!

Prague and an update... like... smoke and a pancake.

What I liked about Prague was that, at night (and certain times during the day or parts of the city during the day), it was like being in a fairy tale. The town is old and beautiful... that is, until you get to the main area where all the freakin' tourists are!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being hoity-toity here, it's just that the tourists are rude and drunk, no matter what nationality! I found it to be a lot like the Las Vegas strip... or the red light district in Amsterdam. Unlike Vegas, these areas mare the beauty of the city, although I'm not sure what it does for their economy. Probably good things, but it might be bad. *shakes head* Sad!

Anyway, here are some highlights in picture form:









So I'm doing better with the diagnosis. Thank you to everyone who wrote me/talked to me about it. I sorter feel... weak for letting it get to me. There's a big part of me that knows what it is and accepted it even before the diagnosis. However, there's a smaller part that was scared of the new information as I never knew quite how many symptoms I had/ how much I thought was just me that was really part of the disorder.

I think that's what freaked me out the most because I couldn't get it to figure out correctly in my head. So this is me, but it's also symptoms... which is what makes me... but it's also being caused by something else... but still me.

See???

I know I'm in there somewhere, it's just figuring out where exactly. I don't want to lose any of the good parts and I'm not exactly sure I want back on the meds. I know that they were necessary when I took them, but I don't believe I'm at that point yet. I think if it impairs my life, my relationships, leaving my house, etc. then I'll know it's time, just like last time. This time, well, this time it's about balancing it out and fighting the episodes. I think I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow about trying non-med methods first, and promise that I'll keep close watch to see if I'll have to try medication.

I do like the lows in that they remind me that I'm alive, that I can feel. Still, I know that when they start becoming a neurosis, start interfering with day to day, etc., it's better to sacrifice that than to build a wall around myself in a fortress that might be my apt. or my room. Not letting anyone in is not letting anyone in, and physically it manifests itself and becomes a real life thing. When that happens, I will know that I'm too scared to live life... and that's not really living, is it?

Thanks to Sir William for talking to me about his friend and what he knew of her experience. It gave me hope. I especially liked his analogy - likening us to an Italian sports car: a beautiful, high-performance vehicle... that needs a lot of time in the shop.

I can be a sports car... I just have to make sure I go in for regular maintenance. Well... and some not so regular maintenance.

Some not so surprising news...

This is what I look like/feel like/ am doing today:

I'm hiding out at home.

See the eyes?? They're red and... well you can't tell from the picture but they're splotchy.

Today I took a day to work from home to try to refocus... I've restarted therapy and I had my second official session yesterday. Thus far the word being thrown about as to my issues and why I keep ending up here: Bipolar.

...Ok, so my last therapist did mention that it was a high possibility, but there were other issues we were working on that we thought we'd revisit it later. It should come to no surprise, but I guess what got me was not just that it meant a cycle of depression, but all the other symptoms, some of which I thought were just me and not all of which I hate.

The manic part is apparently the part the contains some of the stuff I like about me. To be told that it's not me, that it's some misfiring of chemicals or what have you, just kind of makes me question... well... me.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this... and it all makes sense... but... it's like... well, how can I put this without sounding crazy?! It's like being told that there's no such thing as Santa Claus, but YOU'RE Santa Claus!

That sounds nuts doesn't it?

It explains a whole HELL of a lot... and it makes me hope that there are things that I can work on that will make it all better. I'm still sorter scared that I'm going to lose something of me, though, and I hate that it makes me wonder, well, what IS the real me?

Dunno.

Backfence PDX

SO!

As my head is still whirling from my trip to Europe and I'm still not QUITE all here in Portland (my head seems to be stuck in London... and Paris... and trains...), I've not been very good at spreading the word/remembering when the next Backfence event was.

Well apparently it's tomorrow night!

For anyone who wants a refresher on BackfencePDX you can read my past posts here and here, as well as the article that was in the Oregonian on Sunday April 5th.

For all you in the Portland area that want a quick overview, think of it as "This American Life" but here in Portland. The event is tomorrow at 7:30, but the doors open at 6:00 pm. We had a great time last time! It's at the Mission Theater and it's $10 online (https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/61399) and $12 at the door. It's 21+ as it IS a drinking venue...which... I still find ridiculous... especially with how lenient Oregon is about other things.

SO!
For a good time, good stories and some drinks... I think you should join us and help support this! Did I mention that there will be giveaways??

If you can't do it for me... do it for the adorable Melissa Lion (just ask Da5id!) who pours her heart and soul into this.

Oh My GOD!

... is what I keep saying... have been saying since Hangover Saturday.

Fitting.

'Til the End of Time

Here's to the good time I had in Europe and to my friends, old and new. To you I dedicate this:

Like sisters and brothers we lean on each other
Like sweethearts carved on a headstone
Oh why even bother, it’ll be here tomorrow
It’s not worth it sleeping alone

And look at you and me still here together
There is no one knows you better
And we’ve come such a long long way
Let’s put it off for one more day

And everybody knows where this is heading
Forgive me for forgetting
Our hearts irrevocably combined
Star-crossed souls slow dancing
Retreating and advancing
Across the sky until the end of time
~DeVotchKa~
'Til the End of Time

"Every day at 3 o'clock it's the Dancing and the whoring..." and the drinking

Every place seems to have their version of the fish bowl drinks. It (FYI they were mojitos) looks good but it's mostly ice...



So we each got our own!





Except for Mlle_Aubergine. :P

and a much beloved/watched clip from the trip:

Museum day

Our last day in Paris was museum day. I won't discuss the tragedy that made it possible (someone out there has pictures!), but we went to the Musée de l'Orangerie to see Monet paintings instead. The whole time I had a certain song running through my head (open it in a different tab or window to listen as you peruse my pictures).




Next we play "Can you find David in the picture?"

There he is!

Juggle Jane peruses some paintings.

~Fin~

Catching up (and thank you to M)

I've been catching up on my blogs (the one's I read) and I saw that M posted this amazing video.

I had to share it.

Inspirations - OR - The List

Inspired by my latest trip (and JuggleJane) I've a list of things I want in 2009:

In no necessary order:
- Publish something (because I'm forever writing/ editing but RARELY submitting)
- Get back to my fighting weight (seriously folks, PDX has had me gain weight and I'm not sure WHY! It might be a combo of the weather and that I'm not on my feet 10 hours a day)
- Stop the bipolar cycle or at least face the current swing of the door... it's not pretty.
- Go to Scotland for Asef's wedding. (because the car needs serious work and things are taking their toll)
- Have a little more TIME with the boyo (if you know what I'm saying)
- be a better friend (because there's always something to learn in this dept.)
- Keep learning... anything and everything! French, brushing up on my spanish, maybe take up the cello... bother the geniuses at the Genius bar a little more... you know... stuff
- Start a new project/ get one started on here at least

That's all I got for now. Thanks to my friends for the inspiration.

Our last night in pictures... OR Why we want to go back!

Our last night! Starring:

JuggleJane

Liad!

Londonsquared!

Me!

and introducing, Mlle_Aubergine's hand! (That's her feeding me more drinks... no wonder I was still drunk on the plane!)

The end of the night was something like this:


I was later told that I attempted to go home even though London pointed out that I didn't know where I was going (he's got a new place), to which I replied, "I know that!"

I had to be pushed out of the cab where I had fallen FAST asleep.

Is it any wonder that the three of us want to go back NOW?!
I think NOT!

More from France...

So we did some touristy stuff... Mainly we went to Notre Dame and the Louvre.

Our feet at the center, ensuring that we WILL return!

The Seine.

Victoires (at the Louvre).

The stairs leading up to the apartments of Napoleon III in the Louvre.

One of the rooms in the apartment.

I think that was the extent of our tourist-y stuff... wait... no! We ended up at a museum on our last day... but that's another story, and shall be told another time.