Reconciling Saints

Glass #7 - Untitled

2012-01-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

Let’s say that you love someone so much thatyou don’t even want to think aboutnot having them in your life. There comes a day when you’re both arguing a lot,but you still cannot think of life without him. You think to yourself, “If Iwere a friend of mine and I asked me for advice, I would say it’s time toleave.” Yet, you can’t bear the thought because the thought alone breaks yourheart and makes you almost cry. You wish instead that maybe you’d just die.Mainly, though, really, you wish that it would all go back to how it was, thatthis bad period would end.

One day, however, with your heart breaking,you decide that you have to step out there and either lose him (which iskilling you even thinking that) or that he’ll wake up and see that there is aproblem and since he also cannot even fathomlife without you, he’ll help you work through this.

You know that this could break you but you’reheart’s already breaking so, really, what more can you do to your alreadybreaking heart? It’s bruised and battered as it is, you’re merely trying a radicalsurgical procedure.

You start off a conversation one night,putting how you feel out there for him to see. This is my blood; drink this inmemory of me. Then you tell him that you might have to move out on your own inorder stop feeling 5,000 miles away when he’s sitting next to you on the couch.

He, of course (it’s only human), get’s pissedoff and tells you your being dramatic, not realizing that the wine he’sdrinking really is the life’s blood that pumps your heart.

It’s breaking.

So, with that conversation done and anotherday of your heart cracking, you decided to go and hunt out apartments for you.All the while you’re feeling ill when you think of what furniture is yours andwhat you might have to buy for your new apartment because the way it’s looking,he very well might call your bluff.

After a few days of this, you’ve actuallystaunched the bleeding of the broken heart and kept the crack from getting anybigger and, most importantly, stopped it from splitting your heart in two.Also, you’ve found an apartment that you can afford that will accept yourflawed credit history.

So on your way home, with the application inhand, you think of how you’re going to broach the subject and most importantly,when. This allows your heart to crack infinitesimally more. You think you mightthrow up.

That evening, when he gets home from work,you show him the papers and you say, “I found an apartment. Now, either I’mgoing to move or, if you want to take a look at the place and you prefer it tothis one, you can move there.”

He looks at you like you’ve grown a secondhead.

You blink, take in a breath and say, “I toldyou that I would not be just an object in your life. If we’re going to livelike we’re just friends, albeit not one of my best friends ‘cause living withthem was actually fun, then I want my own place. I can’t take this anymore.”

For once (ha!) he looks at you like you’renot only serious, but like that's a gun in your hand and you’re actually mugginghim. Even better, he knows that you aremugging him, except it’s yourself that you’re stealing away from him and hejust can’t believe it.

This is really happening, you say.

Something about that look he gives you givesyou a little strength. Something stops the bleeding crack in your heart. Youswallow and with a little less shake in your voice, and what feels like alittle more saliva in your mouth, you tell him, “I said, you can stay here oryou can take a look at this apartment (you shake the papers in your hand…brazen!)and if you like it, you can move there.”

“You’re serious,” he says finally finding hisvoice.

“I told you. You didn’t listen.”

You start speaking in shorter sentences,becoming less expository because, well, you rather like the feeling of this.

There is only a little part of you now,that’s whispering out of the crack that’s now permanently cemented in yourheart, “I didn’t want to do this; I had to.”

Then, just like that, your world is different andyou learn that that love is gone andyou can live without him, or will one day if you have to.

Fin

2011-12-31T17:31:00.000-08:00

So that's it for 2011.

If you read the posts flying about on Facebook, it seems many a soul had a horrible year and there are prayers for better in the year to come.

*shrugs*

I dunno. I had a pretty good year, all told.

What I hope for is more learning, growing and accomplishing. Oh and dreaming! I want to do more of that... and London... and Paris... Yes. That.

Happy new year friends o' mine! Try not to break yourselves tonight. I can't guarantee that I won't...

A Portrait of the Writer as a Young Woman

2011-12-08T20:14:00.001-08:00

I trudge through halls of my high school clutching my hall pass waiting to shove it under the nose of anyone who might dare to question why I’m not in class. I clutch the strap to my ruck sack hoping it doesn’t break for the umpteenth time under the strain of a few (but heavy) books that will get me through the last few periods of the day. I won’t make it, so why do I expect my ruck to? I clutch my tears to my eyes hoping to god that I make it to the counselor’s office, the only place that I can shed them and unload the heavy ruck, the heavy thoughts and my body which seems to weigh more than anyone could imagine.

I don’t always remember what it is that I have to say to Anne. I don’t even remember to call her Miss Spinner because to me she’s just Anne. I sometimes have to wonder, how does she have the infinite patience to deal with all this, with the heaviness that I unload here in her office?

I remember the outside of her office very clearly because it was the place that I had to sit to wait while she had a conference with my parents. It was torture and I memorized every bit of it that one time that I had to sit outside of it because I couldn’t cry there, it was too public. The tears could only be allowed to spill when I crossed the threshold of her office. From time to time I could hear terms like “over dramatic” and “typical teenager” come through on my parents’ voices. From Anne I heard the “maybe you should”s and the “perhaps she would benefit”s come through.

Mainly I tried to tune it out. I didn’t want to hear what she tried to convey to my parents. I had already tried and they would not be budged. They didn’t want to hear about how brilliant I was and or that there were miracles that happened every day in the rising and setting of the sun.

Hell, it’s a catholic school so I rolled my eyes at what I thought was catastrophic and remembered there were children starving somewhere in some war torn country. I felt a little bad that what I couldn’t live through was simply one full day in class in high school.

I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t get through a day without gasping my way to Anne’s office to unload and feel like I never wanted to leave it, my sanctuary. All I knew was that I couldn’t.The difference was that unlike a couple of my cousins, I didn’t want to end it all, just the parts that made me cry.

There was nothing wrong with me, I was just having a hard time getting through the day… and I don’t know why. My mom said it was just nerves and it happened to her all the time so she would ask me if perhaps some wine would help and pour me a glass.

“Sometimes I get like that,” she would say, placing the glass in front of me. “I’ll have a glass of wine and it takes out the tension, let’s me relax a little. Sometimes that’s all you need.”

I’d take the glass gladly, feeling the lethargy flow through me after a few sips. Maybe it was the ballet company and the AP classes and my choir that made it all so heavy - so many commitments. Once the wine hit all I could remember was the lightness of it all. I smile easily and I think about what it is that keeps me trying to get through those times when it’s not the books that are the heaviest things that I’m carrying.

There’s never enough wine, though. I’m amazed I’ve never tried to put any in the thermos. I blame the fact that it’s way too early as I try to make it to 0 period chemistry. I am not a morning person and I remember one day I put 2 different shoes from 2 different pairs of black 3 holed shoes together. In the dark, like it is when I’m trying to get ready for school at stupid o’clock in the morning, they look the same. Once the sun comes out, though, it’s very apparent that they are two VERY different shoes, including the fact that they are half an inch different in height.

I’d like to add that the new added contacts make me have to wake up super early. Yes, where vanity never succeeded before, I am now stuck waking up at least an hour early so that I have enough time to try and try and try until I get my contacts in my eyes. Vanity 1, Me 0. Fuck the glasses! I didn’t have to wear them before and I didn’t want to wear them now, so I will take the time to make sure that I can get these fuckers in my eyes.

This must be what it’s like to be one of those girls that so desperately needed to get their hair just right and their make up flawless.It’s a good thing that I didn’t have that need.

Here’s the way I see makeup: if you need that to enhance who you are, then you have issues. There is nothing wrong with the way I look and everyone looks a bit clownish at 16 with makeup. That's just my opinion, though. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll throw some on if I’m off to a show or something but it’s definitely more for theatrics than to make myself look prettier. In my opinion, I'm fine as is.

Somehow, though, the contacts did it. Pathetic.

... and the winner is...

2011-12-01T17:20:00.001-08:00

I finished last night with a word count of 50, 080 according to the site once I uploaded my file. I'm a little impressed with myself as I'm usually a little distracted, but I stuck with what I said I was going to do.

:)

It shows me that I should stick to a schedule because it will allow me time to write, even if it's just for practice.

So, what did I win?

I won:

a few good stories - mostly complete except for editing
some great ideas to explore
more proof that I can do anything once I put my mind to it
a new schedule for my writing

First, though, I'm going to go read some books.

Day 26

2011-11-26T09:36:00.001-08:00

NaNoWriMo day 26: I'm at 42,027 words from yesterday and I plan on writing at least another 2,000 today. I feel great! I'll be kicking my heels back soon, able to read the stack of books that's been accumulating.

Mainly, it really makes me wonder why I can't do this more often. I think I've got a new inspiration.

In case you hadn't heard, our bean is back. We found her the Saturday after my last post. We got a call at 8:30am from one of our neighbors saying they saw a small light colored fluffy cat behind the store around the corner. I went to check it out and I saw her behind the house across the street. I called in the cavalry (Stephen and his sister-in-law, Mel) and we rounded her up. So our little family is all together again. YAY!

LIfe is a story...

2011-11-08T16:58:00.000-08:00

NaNoWriMo day 8: I'm at 12,998 words.

I think that's pretty damn marvelous! Who knew I could write so much in these stories of mine?? I find myself in awe a bit of the things that I can accomplish and the way the stories are shaping out. I find that I want to know more about them, explore them more and see what they have to say.

In between last night and this morning, one of our cats got loose. She has a tendency to bolt when we open the door if she's near it to go out and eat some grass. Somehow or other, we missed it this time. The last time this happened, we found her on the steps up to our porch, greeting us with a meow like she had been only been waiting for us to let her in. After a day of not being able to find her, we sit here with the doors open, the lights on and a bowl of food at the door hoping that she finds her way back, hungry or tired... or just done with her adventure.

It's quite gut-wrenching, really. I keep expecting to see her come in or go to the bowl, keep thinking I'll see her any minute and I'm having a hard time knowing she's not here. I don't know what else to do but hope and wait, not wanting to think of any other ending other than she'll find her way home.

Come home Evie Bean, we miss you.

NaNoWriMo

2011-11-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've started NaNoWriMo again. This is my 3rd attempt... of which I have a 50% success rate. Lemme tell you, having to work a night job last year, my prime writing time, I totally and utterly failed!

For those of you that don't know, NaNoWriMo takes place in November. It is National Novel Writing Month. In that month, the writers who participate strive to write 50,000 words (the word count that is considered a novel) in those 30 days. The goal is to just write so as not to get caught up in all the second guessing and editing that one can get caught up in when left to one's own devices. You make that push in order to cull something, anything, out of a bunch of words that are spewed onto paper or screen.

The thinking is that in the end, you might not have a finished novel, but you'll have the good beginnings of one.

As a person who favors the short story format, this hasn't been so successful for me. The first year I tried it and determinedly made the goal, I was left with... mush. Really, I still look at it and think... that's an interesting idea... and maybe I can make a short story out of it... but not much else and definitely not a novel. This is why I think I barely even tried last year. I didn't have much direction other than the way I begin any short story I write: a simple idea that might be a paragraph... or might be a few pages.

This year I decided I'd tailor it more to my liking. I'm still pushing for 50,000 words, but I'm aiming for short stories.... 5- 10 at 10,000 to 5,000 words each to be edited after November. The key is to get any idea (10 max) out there and to crank out what could be considered a short story in that time. I like to think of it as making a collection of short stories for me to whittle down and edit.

It's working. I've given myself a daily minimum word count and as long as I can do that, I figure that I'm pretty solid. Yesterday was hard to do (maybe because it was my first day?) but today was pretty freakin' easy. I would still be writing right now if this wasn't already such a tough work week and I knew I needed my sleep after having had little of it since last Thursday... or maybe it was Wednesday... anyway, you get the picture.

I'm excited... more excited than I have been in a long time. Maybe it's because I've finally gotten how to do this on my terms, and maybe it's because I'm just doing it.

Changes

2011-10-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. You know, that time when I look at my blog and I say, "Yeah, I gotta change this up a bit."

Except I'm not talking about just design, but it's a start and so I figured that's where I'd try to gather my inspiration... or at least it's a way to say that I actually did something. I went the easy route and decided that I'd throw in a template for now in an attempt to make change happen a little more rapidly. *shrugs* I like to think of it as the Bunsen burner for this solution (get it?!).

There's a lot changing and a few things that actually need to change (outside of the things changing... follow along, now!) and one of them happens to be how I use/ what I do with this little blog o'mine. I'm also trying to change my writing in that... well, I do more of it and perhaps actually get something of a routine in how often and when I write. Not doing so is driving me CRAZY!

Speaking of crazy, it seems I'm to go back on the meds. I knew it was only a matter of time before mom realized I was still outside and called me in to wash up before bed. Darn it! As the therapist said, I've had a nice little vacation, now let's get me back on something before the ground drops out from under me. Eh, things have been a bit fuzzy around the edges lately, so I guess that's about right.

Anyway, if the look of this place changes weekly, you know why. It's kinda hard to figure out what I want to do exactly and how to go about it. If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears! Unless, that is, you want me to sell something for you. Sorry.

In the mean time... I'll keep the midnight oil burning in my attempts to free the people (stories) trapped in my head.

What Free Will Astrology has for me this week

2011-10-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

by 36

Sometimes I need to remember things like this in order to create from where I think there's nothing left to pull from.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Winner of the American Book Award in 1963,
William Stafford wrote thousands of poems. The raw materials for his
often-beautiful creations were the fragments and debris of his daily
rhythm. "I have woven a parachute out of everything broken," he said in
describing his life's work. You are now in a phase when you could achieve
a comparable feat, Taurus. You have the power to turn dross into
sweetness, refuse into treasure, loss into gain.

Fear

2011-09-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

Fear has stopped me from doing a few things in my life.

When I was a kid I remember backing out of the student council in Kindergarten (I know, right?!) because I didn't understand what was going on and because I didn't want to be singled out from the other kids. Trust me, I learned it was a dumb reason about a year or so later, mainly because I was singled out again and this time I thought, "Hang on a minute! Not being with everyone else isn't so much a bad thing."

Not being afraid of fear, conversely, has made a lot of things happen in my life that may not have happened. I like to think that my kindergarten experience has some to do with that. These, however, with the exception of a few big ones, have been small things like just allowing myself to be me and not give a damn what anyone says or thinks in order to live life the way I think I should live it.

I call them small because some big things have been placed on back burners when it comes to, oh, you know, my writing.

I was watching a rerun of an old Project Runway the other day where one of the youngest in the competition finds herself as one of the last 5 and she resigns. They showed some insights from the other designers as to what they thought of her decision and the guy who ended up winning says something like don't think that it's an easy or stupid decision for her to make because you don't know the pressure or what it's like to be here.

I could see myself, especially at her age, going right back to my kindergarten days and saying, "Get me off of this thing!" Is it a big deal? Yes. Would it, if she won or even made it to Fashion Week, change a lot things and open doors in her life? Probably, yeah.

I know it's good to know when you're in over your head for whatever reason, but enough is enough.

I feel like I can look back and see when I've quietly retreated or let the other things in my life over-run my want-to-do-s or should-be-doing-s. I really want to stop this pattern and that's why, in part, I'm seriously thinking about what to do with this little space of the internets that I call mine. At some point I have, and I feel that I do, take responsibility for where I am creatively.

Something's gotta give... and I don't feel like it should have to be my writing which means that I have to do something about that.

' "The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings." '
~ Lewis Carroll ~

The "Hey! Look at that! She added a new post!" Post

2011-09-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

So I came across this old favorite of mine:

I sat down to write and I thought I'd do a little mind-puking first (as one of my creative writing teachers called the process of voiding our minds of all the other "words" running around in our brain that were cluttering it up) and found this pic whilst looking for a good graphic for this post.

I found it fitting as I have sort of started to take a "Oh fuck it; let's shoot this fucker!" kinda attitude to my writing lately. So here I am for the... 50th time??.. finally sitting down to seriously get some shit out there, and no, not just on this here blog o'mine.

I think it's kinda cool when I find something inspiring again.

So I'm still thinking about changing up this place. Maybe just a new look... maybe just a place to spew... I'm not sure. I kinda got tired of this being diary-esque but I also do like a place where I can just ... talk... and keep my friends updated (when they do read it... no worries, it's not your fault).

I don't know yet. However, I do know that I want to write more although not necessarily here, but I think I will from time to time. Kinda like my "word vomitorium."

To go back to the pic, I'd like to say that it's also fitting of who I am today. I'm trying to channel all of that into my writing and by doing so, just... writing, which is doing more than I had been and trying to do something about getting it out there.

The story of all that was and what it was, i.e. my marriage to Da5id, is a hard story to write. Last weekend I was working on a memoir for a contest submission and I found it quite difficult to write. I just couldn't seem to put the story of us into words and I've been trying to figure out why. It might be because there's more to it than just my side or his side or it might be because there's no way to really quantify what we had. It existed and at times was a great love story with miracles and overcome hardships and at other times it was all heartbreak and miscommunications. Still, maybe I can't come to terms with it and perhaps that is why the writing of it was so hard.

I took on the subject because, if I were to ever write a memoir (hypothetically speaking), that part of my life is a great and vast story that did a lot in the shaping of my life, especially as it's 10 of the 35 years I've been alive.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do it and I missed the deadline. I found myself with the proper word count but no real shape to the story of it all, just a mix of points of view, ways of telling it, and what looked a lot like my "spew" on this here blog. Where, I asked myself, was the story? How do I shape it? To that, I don't think I have an answer yet.

I'm still working on it as there's next year's early deadline of February, which seems a long time away. It's possible that I'll never be content with how I tell it, what I got from it, or even be able to concisely put into words the essence of it. It might be that the story of us is much bigger than anything I can put into words... or maybe I've just had a hard time seeing the big picture. It's still something I'd like to work through in writing, though, if only just to tell this great story that I have to tell. It was and, yes, still is one of my favorite stories and I think that that comes from the joy I had of just living it.

I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again, I love my life and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a single thing nor would I trade it with anyone in the world.

I was thinking...

2011-07-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

... and talking to Tracy about my site.

Maybe it's time to clean house and redecorate.

Hmmm....

スロウ by 36

One Year -OR- How I work

2011-06-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since that day that I packed up my stuff and got on a plane from Portland, OR to Lexington, KY.

It's been a year since I slept alone, when I could sleep, with the glow from Eddie the Shipboard's Computer's screen softly lighting the room.

It's been a year since I've stopped feeling nauseous, stopped twitching and stopped feeling like there was a hole in the middle of me.

It's been a year since I've left the people I loved and held dear in order to start again somewhere else where I now have new people I love and hold dear.

...

Mainly, it's been a year since I set out to do what a lot of people didn't understand, what I felt was best for me and what some people didn't think would work. I took a chance and I think it's paid off rather well. I'm a happier, smarter and better me. People don't always understand the chances taken, the things I do, nor the moves I make. It's sad to lose people, but I have to remain true to me, so I take my chances. If I do it well enough, a good chunk of those people aren't lost, just not so near in proximity.

Today I choose to remember those I've met in my life, near and far, who remain by me or have left. There are bittersweet memories, but there are also some very triumphant ones.

To everyone that's been there for me and with me, I thank you. My life is better because of you, if only through a lesson, an inspiration, or the drive to prove that I'm right for me whether you understand it or not.

To taking chances in life - may all of you feel it's the most important thing you ever do!

Sometimes you make me feel like I'm living at the edge of the world...

2011-06-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

This picture struck me today. I got it from this NPR article.

Sometimes I have to remember that in the midst of all the chaos, I still love you. That's the way it should be, even when the world is falling apart around us... most likely from our own doing.

Updatin'

2011-06-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Still no at home internets, although I'm lucky enough today to have found a little bit of WiFi open today.

It's a good thing that they aren't working, really, as this makes it easy for me not to post anything dumb and makes it so that I don't have to lock down the blog again for fear of what I may vent.

I've hit a bit of a depression pocket and I'm trying to work through it, but it's done little for my writing as I end up going in circles over a current situation and a variation on one of my favorite stories. I know. The depression should technically help with my writing, but currently it's just making my head spin and it comes off as... formless. Dunno how else to put it.

I have a need to work on things, though, and lately I've been working on everything but my writing.

Thought I'd keep you guys posted. Chloé, I still owe you a letter.

S'up

2011-05-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm currently writing from work.

I've tried not to as it doesn't make for good writing, but it's the only place that I have reliable internets. Once I get a couple of paychecks, we're getting cable. So far we've been piggy-backing which had been successful up until the past month or 2. People have gotten wise in our 'hood where there used to be many open WiFi networks and which to use depended on the strength of the signal.

Ah well, it lasted as long as it needed to, but has made it hard for me to use the internet at home.

It's my birthday week! I'm 35 this week and feeling awesome! This week, I'm only doing a slight reflection of where I was a year ago and focusing on where I am now. It's good to remember and it's better to see what one has accomplished/ is accomplishing.

"Now picture leaving my house. Thanks."

Things have changed a lot and I know it... and I take it all in together - the happy and the sad... I see it as all... good. I'm happy for the growth and the lessons, the changes in so many things. I've never felt more me.

BEST GIFT EVER!

I Got Lucky in Kentucky

2011-04-28T12:02:00.001-07:00

Side note: I've been horrid at blogging, despite my promises but I am not giving up!

Today is the one year anniversary of the day that Stephen and I hooked up. That's right... a year ago I was here on my second day of visiting my friends in Lexington.

I'm not one that's big on anniversaries (just ask the David-Formerly-known-as-My-Husband... which is also the symbol "5"), but it's interesting to think that my little decision to take my vacation anyway and just come out to visit Stephen and Neely anyway (a volcano ruined my trip to France/ Maile's wedding), got me here.

Life, my friends, is a weird and wonderful thing.

The (sometimes) Funny, (generally) Surreal and (always) Adventurous life of Ceci.

2011-04-28T11:41:00.001-07:00

You know... I think the title for this blog is quite appropriate.

Life is strange. I'm living in Lexington, KY.

...

Let me say that again... I'm living in Lexington, KY.

Did you ever think this is one place I'd go?

I know, me neither.

WHY Lexington? Well, because of a)Stephen and b) it felt like the right thing to do.

This blog is open again.

I ~~think~~ know I ~~like~~ love this...

More beauty

2011-04-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

My picture therapy from yesterday helped me a lot.

The day ended well and we had a great evening seeing friends we hadn't seen in a while new to our neighborhood. We talked when we got home and made sure everything was settled, which is always lovely.

We live and we learn.

I figured I'd share some other pictures I found so more could enjoy.

Truth and Beauty

2011-04-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

... is what I need today.

I keep remembering a line from Beowulf

"Alone in a world blown clear of love

hung with icicles... "

I apparently do it to myself.

Last night I stubbornly fought with Stephen about something that I can see through my sober head today I was wrong about. I fought to win. It was stupid and pointless and really did nothing save hurt him.

Now he's hurt and it was pointless and somehow this all bleeds into our trip to Chicago in a couple of weeks.

I've always had a thing for Shiva, and I'm apparently quite good at destroying something in a few minutes with far-reaching effects.

Also, today I feel like an idiot at work because my mind is having issues grasping simple things, today my mind is a sieve.

So... I'm trying to cure this with pictures. I took a time out from work to look at places that I gather pictures that make me smile and inspire me.

That's my attempt at being positive... at least visually.

Why not "do"?

2011-04-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

Photos © Sam Taylor-Wood

There are days when I feel like I'm floating and falling at the same time. It's those days when I don't know whether I can take what I have and make it into something or if it's just crap. My question currently is... how natural is it really to have that?

As children, we are told and believe that we can do anything. We could be painters, the president, an astronaut, a dancer... You name it and it's ok to dream that big. I try to instill that in my friends and for the most part they don't let me down and end up inspiring me! When Amander was hmm-ing and haw-ing about applying to Yale's grad school, I said do it. When London was having the same feelings about going to Central St. Martin's in London, I said do it. A lot of us told the both of them, "Just try it!" So they did and... they did! Amanda got in and so did David. Where are they now? They're still doing what it is that they want to do in order to do what it is they want to do.

Sorry if I embarrass you guys but I am pretty damn proud of the both of you.

ANYWAY! My point...

My point is that we lose this. Why? Is it egotistical of me to think that I can do anything? Will I be letting myself down in the long run? OR... maybe... maybe I will just go ahead and do, maybe I will accomplish more than I ever have and ever thought (but did dream and hope) that I could?

I'm reminded of Tracy's New Year's resolution one year that she told me about. She vowed (and correct me where I'm wrong, Tracy) to just be awesome (or was it to tell everyone how awesome you are??). She was (and is) and the year was great!

So maybe... and I hope you come along with me on this one, guys... maybe what I... what we need to do is just do so that we will, and thereby accomplish all those things we've always wanted to.
...
Then again, maybe I'm just manic.

Ah, ha!... but what if I'm not??

Fall with me... fly with me. The worst that could happen is... we don't...so why not... do?

Music...

2011-03-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

annnnddddd because you've all been good kids and I've been bad about the posting like I said I would, here's some ear candy. The top 2 songs I played today!

Breathing

2011-03-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

I remembered how to breath the other day.

I was worried about getting a call back for an interview, doubting myself and my abilities. My head was going negative about what I can or cannot do, and then... I didn't care. I stopped worrying and I started breathing. With every breath I put it all out there to the universe, just laid it all out. I will or I won't get a call back, I might get hired full time at the current position or I might not. Breathe in, breathe out.

I stopped caring. Not in a negative. I just... let go... and I felt calmer, I felt ok.

Then you know what happened? I got another call saying that they were going to be scheduling appts. for next week and I should get a call back then.

See? It's ok to let go, it's ok to surrender and just breathe. Life is easy... it's like a heart beat... it's like breathing. The trick, as Ms. Shirley Manson said, is to keep breathing. Just live.

Life is good in the in- betweens of what we worry about and what we want. Sometimes we forget to live it because we're too busy worrying or wanting. This is it folks, so do it. There's no later... just now. *shrugs*

So I leave you with the words of the late great, albeit stupid, Jim Hanson:
"Life's like a movie
Write your own ending
Keep believing
Keep pretending
We did just what we set out to do..."

Spring

2011-03-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

I hate it.

Do you think that it's possible to live in a place that's mostly cold? Like... REALLY cold???? That's sounding like heaven to me. It's not like that I don't like being warm nor does it mean that I don't a appreciate that crisp day where the sun keeps you nice and warm and the winds tease you in the shadows. No... those days I can stand the heat/ sun.

I digress...

Here's my problem: I don't know how to deal with the sun.

I overheat, feel horrible, cannot do anymore than turn into a little pool of Ceci. I also feel uncomfortable in my clothes and forget wearing anything that's office appropriate! My face just shiny, I sweat easily and my hair does that thing that only curly hair can... and that is be completely unruly. In short, I look and feel terrible! A red face is not pretty, especially when it's all shiny and shit. Sweaty clothes... also not attractive, not to mention that I can get a little stinky. What can I say, it's genetics. *shrugs*

I HATE this! This... and the fact that I burn easily... is why I hate the sun. It does horrible things to me, I never look good and I feel miserable. There!

I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm just not very good at being a girl. I don't know how to get my hair to not do the unruly thing. I had hoped that with it shorter, I would be able to get it under control a little more, but now it just does this Clark Kent thing and I end up looking like a soccer mom who has been running after her kids all day... and more in a "I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you once I catch you" kinda way.

*sigh *

Help! ... or I'm gonna end up living in Iceland for the rest of my life... Which would help my allergies, I'm sure but that's another gripe all together.

*hangs head*
Shoot me now.

Things that made me smile today

2011-03-09T20:10:00.000-08:00

Tracy pointed out that, for being so happy with me these days, I don't look so happy in the pic. That had a lot to do with the fact that Itook many with me smiling, but they all came out blurry. As a result. the last one taken had a frustrated-with-taking-pictures-and-tired-of-fake-smiling look. So here's a new one.

ANYWAY!

Here's some stuff that Nikki found when she was "stumbling" along on the internet. I helped! Well, I was stumbling along with her as I sat by.

First there's Irina Werning's page . She does what she's titled "Back to the Future" where she takes old photos from when the person's younger and has them duplicate the pose as they are now. Awesome!

Then there's this jpg we found:
Double awesome.

The Times They Are a Changin'

2011-03-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

I was looking in the mirror today and thought... "Wow! I've changed!" Not in a bad way, mind you, just in a "time marches on" sorter sense I guess. So I've decided to do a little "Ceci Throughout the Years" post here and put up some pictures.

Currently, I'm quite happy with the me of now. I like the way I look and feel. In fact, I feel like I'm the very me I've always wanted to be. My hair is short and, in my opinion, looks cute. I've tattoos and piercings I've always wanted to get. I'm in total control of being and looking like the Ceci I've always thought would be a perfect... Ceci!

I'm also in awe of the fact that I feel small. I'm not small, per se... but I'm the smallest I've been since high school and I actually feel small. I even feel small with Stephen, which, can be difficult when he's so thin, and yet I do... I feel small.

Any way... here's Ceci: now and then.

Today

A couple months ago

2009

2008

2007

2007

2004 - 2006... something like that...

2005-ish I believe.

2004

2003

The're gonna eat me alive...if I stumble -OR- Inspiration for today

2011-02-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

... because it's appropriate for today.

*Special thanks to Tracy for bringing this song back onto my radar.

Also, thank you to Señor London for helping me find where the Keyboard viewer is. It's helping A LOT*!

*not to be confused with the Alot

Help I'm alive

2011-02-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

First news: I was laid off. Yep, ladies and gents, my assignment at Amazon.com came to an end as of Thursday. Am I ok? Yes. I had a bit of panic there, still I can't help but be optimistic. Dunno why, but I'm all for it.

With that said, I'm working on trying to use more of my time to write and take part in other endeavors that will lead me down a more creative path. I guess, I'm just trying to free myself from the rut that I feel I got stuck in after working so many hours at work. Having the time isn't enough, I feel like I really have to try for it because it's too easy to let the "free time" waste away on other things.

I feel a bit out of touch with a lot of my friends, but most times I think that this has to do with bipolar issues I have to battle for life. I'm trying, guys. I know I just have to keep in touch with the lot of you, but it's not always easy. Sometimes the monsters in my head outnumber the reality. I'm fighting it, bit by bit. I'm trying to update this blog at least once a week in order to stop feeling like a recluse and at least keep a line open to everyone in how and what I'm doing.

Side note to anyone that gets my posts emailed to them: if you're going to respond, please respond on the blog and not to the email. For some reason the email isn't coming to me directly anymore so I have to go in and fix that so that I can get those responses again. In the meantime, if you have responded to me and I've not answered, that's probably why.

I know this isn't much of a post, but I just wanted to bring everyone up to speed.

I tremble.
They're going to eat me alive
If I stumble....
Help I'm Alive.
Metric

<3
_c_

The wine Whine

2011-02-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

It's 1:30 am and I'm ready to blow up! I don't know why, but I am. I'd also like to point out that I can't use my return key because I spilled wine on that section of my keyboard. Yay. So this will all be one long paragraph. I'm trying to write and I can't because the lack of the return key and the semicolon and colon and the letter "p" have made it difficult to do so. I persist with the use of copy and past. Apparently the backslash doesn't work either. I'm trying guys... really trying. I think, however, I might have to go old school here and just work with phone, letters, and journals. Ugh. This sucks.

A portrait of the artist.... -OR- February Updates

2011-02-10T12:20:00.000-08:00

Here's where I am.

Now that the work schedule has calmed down and I'm back to 8 hours a day, it seems that depression is rearing it's ugly head. The swinging door of bipolar, folks, has swung that-a-way. I'm trying hard to fight it, but it's worst when trying to get out of bed.

Let's take an overall view of she.

I'm working at amazon.com making "eh" money that's just paying the bills and buying essentials. That's ok for now. My allergies are bad off due to said job as I work in a rather dusty environment and the eyes HATE IT, especially given the fact that of my arsenal of 4 allergy meds I usually take, I can only get my hands on one of them. I'm taking many steps to combat the allergies in lieu of medication such as constantly cleaning and being careful with how long my contacts are in, lots of washing of clothing and things I come in contact with, etc. So far the allergies are winning.

I've broken my glasses, which doesn't help with the allergy issue because this means that I have to wear contacts, which exacerbate the affect of the allergies on my eyes. Feh! See above on what I'm doing about that.

HOWEVER! ... However, I'm still fighting and I'm still, for the most part, happy.

I know that creativity helps and is also a great way to channel my depression. Tracy likes to remind me of this when I talk about it. Last night Stephen and I decided to collaborate on a longtime idea he's had to make a zine combining my lyrics with his stories, working on the layout of it, etc. That's project one to work on. I'm also working on a story or two for a contest I keep wanting to enter for the Bridport Prize. Today I started outlining a story idea for that and I'm also trying to think of another just 'cause.

This leaves me feeling more accomplished which is why currently you are getting an update that's more positive than negative. Mind you, it also helps when I make a sort of "list" like this so that I can take note of the positive vs. the negative.

If anyone wants to work on anything, would like a story or to collaborate on something with me, let me know!(Krist, I've noticed your blog URL on my wall on FB and I haven't peaked yet, but it made me think of our efforts before and if you need any contributions for anything you might be working on, email/ call/ message me.)

I have more tattoos than I used to and I like that. Stephen and I are working more of them. Honestly, I've always liked/ wanted them, but just couldn't do them before money wise and there's always the "What should my first tattoo be?" hill that one has to get over. Now, the game is ON!

When I moved here I weighed about 160-165. Currently I'm tipping the scales at 140-145 which is even less than what I thought was my "feel right in my own skin" weight. At first I was worried, but I've come to realize that this IS me. I feel absolutely me in my skin and hair and age and..... everything. I think this is great, as, honestly... I don't think I've ever felt better as me in my life.

I like Ceci... no... I love Ceci! I really think I've got something here.

Lastly, but never least, Stephen. Things are great. I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. We seem to know how to offset the other's bad times, we communicate and we come up with alllll sorts of amusing things to do with little money... even if it's just stay at home and have sex! Honestly, I think he helps me be the best me I can be... and the proof is all that I feel, say, write and do.

"Like hell we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home "
Burn
~Alkaline Trio~

At your feet

2011-01-26T00:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm here... at your feet.

I know I'm stronger and I know I value myself more, but I can't always feel like the great one that I am.

Sometimes all I want to do is see you smile... back track where the conversation veered off and caused a big huff of silence that now sits loudly in the room.

I have issues with this because my fighting me says that this is not the way it should be. I should not have to kowtow to you. The fighter is mostly right... but in everything one needs to learn humility... as well as the possibility that one may be wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I am groveling at your feet and the fighter in me says, "Fuck this! I never need this!" Times like that, I remember that I can survive alone out of stubbornness, and it sorter scares me.

Sometimes I feel like we're both naked children, lying on the floor hoping that one picks the other up. Times like that... I need to remember that that is most likely the truth.

This has been true in many relationships and, it seems, will always be true in all relationships. I just have to remember that the fighter can blow things out of proportion and that, at all times, no one is doing any groveling whatsoever. We're both just trying to be heard... even in the silence.

Death and th Maiden

2011-01-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt of death.

I still had the taste on my tongue upon waking up a few moments ago and so sure was I of it that I wasn't scared and it just was the ever present fact.

I had been running away when I saw him approaching from a field towards the door I stood at of what I knew as my home. I tried to outrun her by taking off into the field, but even my neighbor who watched death approach me, told me I could not outrun him.

"He's right," said death calmly, still approaching me by only walking yet getting so much closer to my running self.

I gave in, allowing the inevitable to sink in. I let death touch me, overtake me and I sank down to the grass knowing that was all and that she was gone. I floated in a sort of half state both staring and walking around the things around my home.

I was dressed in Victorian garb and it all seemed so natural. I got up and walked around gardens and forests and thought, "I am dying; I am dead."

Then, as though allowed a short reprieve to get things in order, I was alive again, knowing that when they finally found that girl in the field, found my body, they would know that I was dead.

I went back to the door to my home and saw my family. I kissed my mother and I looked through my things, deciding what I wanted with me when I died. I pointed things out to my little brother that I wanted him to have or to remember about me. He who was a boy again in my dream and quite affectionate to me. I talked to my sister about the things that I especially liked about ornaments we had made. Oddly, my family in my dream was very creative. I don't mean that they aren't now... they are, they just do nothing with it. In my dream we created things, wrote songs and sang them, encouraged each other in our mediums of art. Basically we were everything we are underneath but nothing that we do in reality.

I remember thinking of my husband. I felt a tinge of sadness, but nothing more for I remembered the last cold sleepless nights where we may have shared a bed, but for little more than rest. I knew he would be ok. I looked through my things at our apartment, again more arts and crafts. I looked at the history I had written about Anne Shirley who, in my dream, had been a closeted lesbian but had died in her lovers' arms. I gave instruction to my sister... or perhaps it was a friend?... that it was as well written as it would be and completely comprehensive. I think it was Amander that I talked to later as to what I had found regarding her life; that she had left her husband and who her lover had been, how they met and how she had broken the heart of a scholar that was also doing research on her work/ writings who became enamoured by her and so had to leave his research unfinished because he didn't want her truth.

All the while I knew that the girl was in the field waiting to be found. The girl was no longer me, just my body, just the thing that would set off the beginning of my death.

I was scared a bit, wondering if perhaps I'd gone down that road too early, had chosen death before I should have. Nothing I could do about it, really, and in hindsight, there really had been no escape. I was excited about where this new adventure would lead but the fear always touched me because I had to go away from everything I had known and loved.

I was frantically going around trying to leave bits for the people I loved. This story here for so and so, that favorite collage there for another, etc., leaving pieces of me so everyone could remember me by and through these specific things know that I loved them and that I was ok. Everyone was thought of dearly in this time.

I wondered what would happen when they found me, saw them starting the events that would lead them to my body (which I knew would happen by the end of that night). I felt like I was peeking around a corner watching them, seeing what the reaction would be when they found me. I knew I couldn't see this and I knew that I wouldn't be able to, try as I might. I knew they would be horribly sad, but I was hoping to show them that I was happy and I had been ready.

I was hungry and I went in search of something I was craving. I don't remember what it was, but I remember having a bit of that before I wanted something else. Once I had the next thing I wanted a third and that's when I knew that it had begun. I was instinctively having a last super, you might say, eating bits of all my favorite things and not getting full. That was when I knew I had to find Stephen...

Then I woke up.

My first thoughts this morning were that death was with me and I had chosen it. My second thoughts were of how peaceful I felt and how I had never felt so sure of the beauty and creativity around me. My third thought was that I needed to tell Tracy my dream and ask her what the hell it meant. Next, I thought of all the things I had done in my dream (the songs, the crafts, the writing, etc.) and I thought that these were things that I needed to bring into the forefront of my life. Perhaps the death of the old me was a reminder that these are the things I'm destined to do in my life RIGHT NOW!

I got a sense that this author needed to leave her things that showed the people I love that I love them. My art is my gift to those I love, that is what will remain here to remind them.

Mainly, when I woke up dead this morning, I felt like an author who would go on to show the world posthumously all my great work... finally.

What I learned from Wings of Desire

2010-12-10T00:28:00.000-08:00

"I want to conquer a history for myself
I want to turn what I have learned
from my timeless downward-watching
into sustaining a hasty glance
a short shout, an acrid smell.
I've been outside long enough,
absent long enough,
out of the world long enough.
I'll enter the history of the world,
if only to hold an apple in my hand."

~Wim Wenders~
Wings of Desire

Words of inspiration from my dad...

2010-12-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

My dad sent this on to me... for inspiration, of course.

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Because it resonates with me...

2010-11-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop trying to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

Free Will Astrology for this week

2010-11-23T20:16:00.000-08:00

Mine says

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "We cannot have any unmixed emotions," said
poet William Butler Yeats. "There is always something in our enemy that
we like, and something in our sweetheart that we dislike." I hope that's
OK with you, Taurus. In fact I hope you regard that as a peculiar blessing -
- as one of the half-maddening, half-inspiring perks of life on earth. The
fact is, as I see it, that you are in the thick of the Season of Mixed
Emotions. The more graciously you accept that -- the more you invite it
to hone your soul's intelligence -- the better able you'll be to capitalize on
the rich and fertile contradictions that are headed your way.

That sounds about right.

Thoughts while walking

2010-11-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

Times like these I go back and forth from feelings of being lost and not being able to believe what I'm doing... In a good way! There's so much I'm putting out there, putting of myself out there and damn the battering of the waves! It's fucking scary and fucking exhilarating all at the same time.

It's... It's finding out there's a Ceci without the things that, in a sense, made Ceci. I stepped away from everything and I'm a little amazed that I still remain. I think I always knew that, but it's quite something else to actually do it.

What it is -OR- a peek into some of what it is that I write without even giving you an inkling of what I'm writing

2010-11-23T11:09:00.001-08:00

I've come to think of what I'm writing as Shards of Glass - as a title, that is. I tentatively entitled my "novel" Glass and currently all I'm getting are shards. Some are totally disconnected and have nothing to do with anything except trying to get me to the next point, to break through and continue to form the story.

Last night's writing was more of an experiment to spew everything that's in my head out so there are some sections that look a lot like this:

There are many ways that this story can go and sometimes, like those stories, I can be overwhelmed by choice. I remember a story I read that a classmate of mine in University had written where the characters were all standing around having a beer as the writer went out to have a drink trying to figure out what came next. At first I didn’t get it, but once the brilliance of the idea came across I had to wonder, did I just not get it or did he just not convey it properly? Both? I dunno, hard to say.

I leave my characters to sit and drink in lounges waiting for me to figure out what comes next all over the place. Perhaps there’s a bar that they’ve all made so that they could keep each other company.

The scene would be something like this:

Anastasia had been sitting in the parking lot forever waiting to see where it was she going to drive off to.

“Fuck it,” she declared, taking the keys out from the ignition and grabbing her things into her pockets. (I suppose stuffing her things into the pockets of her jackets, would be a more accurate way of putting it.)

She watched other patrons she vaguely knew or had heard of enter and exit the bar. Some were outside smoking as they were wont to do as, they could never figure out if the bar had actually allowed smoking in it or not. Laws came and went so quickly and the author had a penchant to change her mind that came and went at her whim.

She passed by a group standing next to the door and figured she’d check in on them later, if they decided to come in and hang out or leave.

On entering the bar, she spotted a seat that seemed to have been pre-cleared for her that night.

Maybe this was all pre-written too, she thought.

She took a seat and asked the bartender for a gin and tonic. Much like what she thought would be appropriate as that had been what she drank in those days.

“I’m Mike,” said a voice next to her.

She swiveled in her bar stool and directed herself at Mike.

“Mike? You’re Mike? Thee Mike,” and before he could answer, she said, “Nice to meet you.”

Mike looked in place and yet out of sorts. It was the only thing he could do as he was a non-character here in this world. He was an idea, a muse of sorts. He was inspiration.

“I know you but I don’t think we’ve met,” he said extending his hand.

She took a drink and shook his hand.

“You I know well,” she nodded and drank again. “I seem to have a lot of lore on you.”

“Is this all based on what could have beens? Is this all based on things that She’d like to do? I’m not exactly understanding what’s going on here. I mean, is this all based on Her whims to leave or not? Stay and figure things out or change?”

“Pre-cisely!” Anastasia winked and took another sip.

“I’m a bit more of a legend around here as the my story wasn’t supposed to have a neat little ending. My story had only to do with my getting over you. You’re not in it of course, outside from my understanding and knowing of you. Well, and how you affect me.”

Mind you that's just me throwing up words on a screen so there's no editing that has been done to it. I just thought I'd put that out there so that you all knew I was still writing, still working things out and not just lost to the void.

Breaking glass...

2010-11-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

I know this comes from out of the blue for some... most? of you. I've tried not to bitch too much on here, minus a few slip ups. I know that some of you are still friends with the boy now known as Five. I'm trying to be, except he seems to be having none of it... or at least it feels that way.

I left. I ran from PDX. I knew it was time to go and although I know that it looked as though I left just to be with Stephen, that was not my only reason. I left because heartache awaited me had I stayed.

First off, I had given a part of me to Stephen... more than I had thought I would. Without him and with my tie to Da5id getting weaker and weaker by the day, I felt lost and empty. My marriage was over and I hadn't realized it. I had fallen in love with one of my best friends and he was halfway across the country. Things were messy, to say the least. I can survive on my own but I would not have done so well nor gracefully had I stayed.

I loved Da5id. Loved him more than people will know. Still love him. 10 years does not erase but does change how that works/ worked. Does it hurt still? Do I still fret, think about him and does the whole thing still plague my dreams? Yes.

Where my relationship with Da5id has degraded to has gotten to the point where I don't trust him. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in feeling as I do; no meds and no therapy make it hard for me to feel justified in my reactions. I guess that can be both good and bad. I have a hard time with trusting myself when I know that the BPD is not exactly in check.

Yesterday it all hit me. Everything I've known until now is gone. California, bits of Portland, my family... gone. They're all mixed up with memories of Da5id, a life we had made in 10 years' time. All gone. Friends, too. Dylan told me that part of the reason he dropped me had to do with him. Now Da5id's gone and so are the friends.
...

Everything I had worked for and built is gone. Think about that. It's mind boggling.

I'm still here, though. Perhaps even to the annoyance of some.

I'm fine. I'm great, even. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life, I feel utterly and totally free, for once. I could die tomorrow and be happy.

This does not mean that I won't feel the full force of what's happened and everything that's gone... and yesterday, that's exactly what happened.

My husband fell out of love with me a while ago. I put a stop to being the faux primary and ended an ending or already dead relationship that was really affecting me. An explanation was necessary to you, in my opinion.

Life is excellent. Stephen and I are awesome. I regained a partner in crime. My heart still broke down fully yesterday to mourn that which was... and it was a lifetime's worth. Leaving was the hardest easiest thing I've done because I left everything. Just remember that when you think that you don't understand what happened.

I'm forever. Life, however, changes.

Reclaiming the fact that, yes, I come from a family...

2010-11-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

This is Madison.

This means that I am her Tia Ceci.

I have a Tia Ceci. What I know of her is that I've always liked her and she has an amazing singing voice.

I hope Madison likes her Tia Ceci as much as I like mine.

Madison,

Welcome to the Mendez clan, Duckie. I hope I can help you in any way possible.

<3
Your Tia Ceci

NaNoWriMo 2010

2010-11-01T23:08:00.001-07:00

This year I decided to do it again.

November is National Novel Writing Month and some of us crazies sign up here and challenge ourselves to write at least 50,000 words/ 175 pages by midnight on the 30th of November. I tried this in 2008 and succeeded (yay!) so I thought I'd try it again. Hopefully this time I'll take that challenge to do more than just hit my word mark.

My friend, Chloé is also participating this year and I wish her the best of luck!

:D

How to tear yourself apart, Lesson Two

2010-10-28T00:29:00.001-07:00

I'm out of cigarettes and I hate it. It's not that I need them to survive, or even to spend an evening... they would just be nice in my little evening of trying to figure things out.

"Here inside me
Deep and hollow
The sound that no other sound can follow..."

I'm letting go tonight, kids. Why? Because I can. It's rather freeing, really. I can still depend on me to be me. I miss the friends that I had to be able to call on tonight. I tried to talk to Markie (don't tease me!), Leigh, David.... and yes even Heir Clouse.

"I know the pain
Before the wound...."

Today I sat there and realized the bridges that I had burned. Sooooo many. Not on purpose, mind you. Some I just never got to explain. THOSE are especially NOT my fault, and I would very much like to fix them. I just... I just don't know that I can at this point.

In case you haven't guessed, Stephen's not home and I'm just dealing with me on a one-to-one basis. What I've discovered???

A LOT!

It's also pretty much in a "miss my friends" period. It's hard to know where and who your friends are when you're me.

...

Also, one cannot trust music. It alters and differs and means different things to different people.

How to tear yourself apart, Lesson One

2010-10-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

OK!
I have signed up for NaNoWriMo! YAY!

I had an epiphany tonight ... and yes, it started out as a revelation.

I NEED TO DO WHAT IT IS I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!!!
Namely, write.

I will die otherwise.

Also, YES! I'm drunk.

You've gotta do you...

2010-10-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

I've got 5 posts waiting to be published but they need to be edited or added to. In the meantime you get pictures.

"You choose
You chose
Poetry over Prose..."

SOOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

Agony from Katy Towell on Vimeo.

FALL!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is Fall as I'm experiencing it in my hood...

I think it's pretty cool. I've never had a fall like this and the world keeps throwing new things at me. I adore it.

This... is what I call living my life and I wouldn't trade it with anyone for the world.

Iggy the tub licker

2010-10-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

This is our cat Iggy.

Every time we go into the bathroom, he follows us in and stares at the tub, whether or not we're actually in there for a shower.

Basically he's waiting for one of us to get in so he can lick the water that trickles out of the shower down the side of the tub.

Addict.

Additions...

2010-10-01T16:57:00.001-07:00

A huge thank you to my friend and housemate, Nikki. She likes to practice her piercing skills.

Dear Family,

2010-09-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

My related family, that is.

I love you. You drive me crazy. Well, crazier.. and not in a good way. This makes me not quite love you and that is why I cannot live around you/ have a hard time contacting you.

Accept me or don't, I'm still me and I can't change that. I'm beautiful, talented, strong, brilliant, creative and yes, I am crazy.

Now, if you don't mind... or even if you do... I'm going to go live my life.

Love with all my heart,

Ceci

T minus 7 days and counting...

2010-09-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

Well, we're at the 3 month mark and I still have no job. I have a few very likely-s but nothing solid. I've stopped celebrating everytime I supposedly have a job because those keep falling through. I am told I have a job at Amazon.com as a coach for new hires in the returns dept. but they have yet to call me with a start date (mind you, I only had my orientation last Thursday). Today I went for a job at ACS for a call center for people who place orders which pays the same amount as the Amazon job. My friend Anne got hired on the spot, but I had to leave to get the car to Stephen for his appointment so I need to return tomorrow for the interview portion. THAT, however, doesn't start until October 11th.

I NEED MONEY NOW! I need a job that I can start on Monday because this is driving me insane.

Other than that stress, the only other thing is that I will be off meds as of next Tuesday. Let's watch and see what happens.

Anything else... is AWESOME.

Seriously, if I just got paid for being me or had a trust fund or benefactor or something, things would be superfuckinggood!

Because it bears repeating...

2010-09-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

Some of you remember this...

He's NOT kidding. Check out his website

My favorite thing about fall...

2010-09-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

Guess what's just around the corner?!

That's right! Halloween!!!!!

I need to figure out what the hell I'm gonna be...

A look back

2010-09-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

So I reread this post here and found myself pondering the truthfulness of it and how it embodied everything I had done/ that happened to get me here.

This part especially:

"I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance."

Well, we changed and I was no longer what he could handle and he was no longer the guy who knew me nor understood me.

That is why I knew it was over. That was why I did what I thought was right by me.

FALL!!!!

2010-09-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

I ADORE ADORE fall!!!

Today was a little muggy at times, but it was rainy and there was thunder. On the way back to the house, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw the leaves falling and the piles of the yellow and orange leaves strewn at the side of the road.

AWESOME!

Fall has always been a time of change for me. It seems that there's always something major that changes in my life right about now. Sometimes it's pretty fucking hard, scary or a combo of the two. However, it's always amazing and it always makes me... better? enhanced?... something like that.

So here's fall. I find that I'm still in the "not sure what's going on with my job hunt" and that life is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY different. Weird. Good weird.

I have a gig starting at Amazon.com (thanks for the tip, Anne!) in the next week or 2. I have orientation this Wednesday and then they're supposed to let me know what they need me for shift wise. Lots of running around and 4 10-hour days which means... 3 day weekends !!!!! Most importantly it means that I'll get a paycheck.

SO! Life, bring it!

And the beat goes on...

2010-09-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

Life, my friends, is weird.

I know, I know... I say that all the time. Here's the thing... it's true!

On Saturday I got upset because the boy that I'm, well, married to, was giving me a hard time about paying my bills. I don't want to get into a he said she said here, and I know some of you are still friends so I'll leave it at that. Needless to say, he pissed me off and yes, there was a good reason for it.

Weird #1:
10 years with one boy... 10 years with a million ups and downs, love and admiration, a move and a wedding. Open relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that, really. I have a "problem" with not being able to, errr, restrain myself. I don't see that as a problem, but many do, so I brought it up.

Now, who knows exactly when everything changed or exactly why, but it did. He's not the guy I knew and either I'm not the girl he knew or I didn't change. Whatever it was, things changed and our run as partners had ended.

Sad? Yes. Very, in my opinion. I understand, through our therapy sessions, that it happens. People change. We, as our therapist said, should not think of it as a failure, but instead we should understand that we had a good run; change does not make it a failure.

Now, he's phasing me out. His point of view is that I phased myself out since I moved. Is he right? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. It's sad to me, to think that someone I was so close to, loved so much for 10 years, is gone. It seems, and again I could be wrong, but it seems that it's easy for him to let go or at least think that not being part of my life is the way it should be.

I don't understand this and so for me it's weird. I don't understand not knowing, not having in my life, someone that was such a part of it for so long. Had I stayed, would he have done the same thing? Would I be in Portland wondering why he's phasing me out while I was still there and we hung out with the same friends? I truly believe that if I had stayed, I would have been worse off than I am now in sanity and depression. It would have been difficult to see him hanging out with others if he wasn't a regular part of my life, even if it wasn't in the same way we were. I have a feeling he'd have done so anyway.

Having Stephen so far away would have been extremely difficult. I can't rationalize in my head how I went from one to the other, I just know that I knew when I called it off that it had been done for a while and we just hadn't seen it that way. What about when Mae returned? What of our relationship then? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Weird #2:
I had a good job that paid well, friends I loved and a city I adored. I left it. I already realized this and knew what I was doing when I left it. However, it sunk in a little more on Saturday, probably because I now have to give up insurance since I don't have the money to keep up with it. Why, I asked myself, did I leave? I thought of everything I had and what I was able to do. All my clothes were generally not cheap, the products I bought the shoes I loved were not inexpensive. I left this for a life where I didn't know what I would be able to do, didn't know how I'd be living.
...
I could see why people thought I was crazy for leaving, especially so suddenly.

The thing is, I knew what I wanted and what I needed. I knew that staying in Portland was not only prolonging what I wanted to do but would make me miserable. Don't misunderstand me, it's not like I hated it and didn't have friends who turned into family and a good job I liked. I would be miserable because of 2 very good reasons: the death throws of my marriage and not being with Stephen.

My marriage was done, I knew that. We had changed and had been arguing for quite some time before I came to Lexington for a visit and fell in love with one of my best friends, Stephen. When I went back I was miserable not so much because I wasn't near Stephen, but because my marriage was still a mess. The couples therapy didn't help and Da5id's want to be with Mae also didn't help. I know I let him be with her, but I let him because I didn't want to have to ask him to stay. He would be staying because I asked him and not because he wanted to be there. That I thought that was a point of arguement with Da5id as he thought that my asking him should be enough. I just... didn't and still don't agree with that. I knew then that it was over and I knew what I had to do. I knew that the death throws had started a while back, as was quite evident from the nonstop fights and crying fits. When I called it, I knew this and I accepted it. Then I knew what I had to and wanted to do. Move to Lexington.

A while back I left a good paying job to work at Trader Joe's. The money was a little above minimum wage and the days were odd. Yes, it didn't help my finances and I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I had done so because I hated having a job that I was eh about just because I made good money. I remembered that I had done so because the happiest I was was when I was working at Tower Records for not much money. I'd rather be happy than have a high paying job. Silly? Maybe. Still, it's what I prefer.

I was starting to dislike my job in PDX because it was ok in the makes me happy field and provided me with flexibility and nice people to work with. Still, it wasn't me. No matter what happens here, what sort of job I get, I want to be happy in it and I also want to be able to pay my bills.

I'm still going through the death throws of my 10 year relationship with Da5id. Mostly because it was 10 years and I don't know what our next evolution is, how to still have him in my life as he's been such a big part of it. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret ending it. We are both happier apart, yet I still hold some pain and bitterness that I have to get through from all the things that went on since sometime around January or perhaps earlier.

Stephen... Stephen I adore. We've been friends for so long and understood the crazy parts, our actions and decisions. Being free have the option to love another person and being able to take our relationship to that next level allowed us to progress. I don't see it as leaving Da5id for Stephen because I tried very hard to keep Da5id and me together and make it work. I believed that we could. In the end, we could not.

I'm happy now. Despite the hard times, no job, and having to give up medical insurance, I'm still very happy. Maybe that's because of Stephen and then again maybe not. All I know is that he makes me happy and he makes me feel right and whole... and home.

Weird, that.

Last night...

2010-09-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

Tracy introduced me to this...

The Mockingbird Song from Katy Towell on Vimeo.

... and I ADORED it.

Screwed Part the Deuce

2010-09-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well kids, get ready for more rantings and ravings from the overground.

I will be off my meds as of next month. I just can't afford insurance anymore.

Screwed

2010-09-01T10:21:00.001-07:00

House of Usher

2010-08-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

... is what we decided to call our house.

Seriously, yo.

Last night found us helping to drink away misery with friends. Suffice it to say, a sleep over was necessary. We were all quite... a mess. With all the problems in the house and what with all of us being certifiable, Stephen and I decided the name was apropos.

There was a lot of falling, spills and cigarette dropping.

Now we need to make a sign for it.

MOVING ON!

So I'm supposed to hear from the unemployment office by tomorrow. They told me that they need to have a ruling by the third week of my initial filing. They had to investigate because I had quit so they don't usually give unemployment in those cases unless there was a special circumstance... like, say... relocation. That's me! So we'll see. I really need this as the job search is slow and frustrating. QUITE frustrating.

Stephen's doing ok. Now that the kids are back for university, the shop has had a bit more of a steady influx. So yeah... money is good if I can get money either by getting a job or by getting the unemployment.

Stephen and I, on the other hand, are doing just splendidly in non-money related issues. :D That's a good upside.

The Top 50 Music Videos of the 1990s

2010-08-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

I know some of you have already seen this but I thought I'd post it for those who haven't. Thank you, David, for giving me this link!

The Top 50 Music Videos of the 1990s

(Re)Taking the plunge

2010-08-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

I've decided to reopen the blog since I'm done with the scattered thoughts of everything that's happened, gone by and changed in the last 3 months or so.

Currently, I'm working more on the writing I had been doing prior to all this. I figured the other stuff gets put in my "Nightmare Book" anyway, so why write all that here? I have a much more accessible way of getting my thoughts out in order to get my shit in order in my head.

So... here we go.

"Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again..."
Tori Amos

Sometimes you make me feel like I'm living at the edge of the world

2010-08-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

While I'm trying to calm down about money and the job search, I'm dreaming. Some of it is thanks to Tracy, kind of along the lines in the way I'm thinking.

I'd love to start doing something that didn't just pay the bills, but that I loved, that allowed me to do any number of things that I love or would love; try out things that I didn't even think of.

If I can get the unemployment from Oregon (touch wood), I would have time to look for the right job that would likely allow me to do something I love and pay a good amount or at least that I like and paid a good amount. In the meantime, I would also have the opportunity to technically get paid to write. I would have free time to work on my writing and see if it can lead to anything. I've always wanted to do this, but how can I when I still need an income? With my inexperience, I cannot get paid to do so, or at least pay enough to make a living with.

I would really love to do more of what it is that I dream of, long for, something that would give me the more I want in my life. I'm not looking for fame, but it would be nice to maintain a living doing that which I love. I sometimes feel like anywhere I move to, any step I take in a different direction, can lead to something more, something that allows me to not just exist, but live.

In my opinion, every move should enable one to get closer or try for what makes life remarkable... or at least push what is remarkable about one's life already.

A girl can dream and this girl does.
A lot.

Shoes and ships and sealing wax

2010-08-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

It's Friday the 13th! Contrary to popular belief, I find it quite lucky and today is so far *touch wood* pretty lovely.

Life's surreal. I like it. It's a little tough, sure, but it's good. HA! (understatement of the YEAR!)
Here I am, living with my boyfriend in Lexington, KY! Not only that but that my boyfriend is Stephen. If you told me this just 4 months ago, I would not have believed you. Ok well I would have smiled at the Stephen part. Heh.

You know what? I like it. It's good. I have no idea what comes next and that's ok by me. Stephen and I are... well, perfect... or at least for each other. Somehow or other, 2 wrongs (or rather, crazies) make a right. We help balance the other out when things kick in. That's only for the mental stuff and our... demeanor, I guess you'd say. Aside from that, we're a lot alike. He's the male me and I'm the female him. Cheesy, right?

Home feels like home. It's Stephen's house that's our house now. We're painting and talking about what we want to do with it. The cats are now... well, partially mine. I've never had cats before.

Honestly, this is all so... odd. Da5id and I went our own ways and we realize that that's the way it is and that it's actually better. We still get on each others nerves as... well, we really have changed that much. I guess it's just another reminder of how the choice we made (some would argue that it's the choice I made) was the right one. It makes me sad and at the same time I just have to realize that we had our run, mostly good in my opinion, and now it's shifted, it's done.

Stephen and I, in the meantime, will see how this goes. Mainly, it's going really well and I'm very happy about that.

As for updates:

Stephen's legal matters are mostly resolved. He just needs an assessment from an approved program which he needs to present to the court in 3 weeks. It's a long story... should have been a simple story, really, but if that CUNT of an ex he has wasn't so hellbent on ruining him, we wouldn't be here. If you don't know the story, well... it's complicated. I think some of you do. THAT was good news! Last night reminded me a lot of the time right before I was... almost doomed to jail. It was tough and there was a lot of prep for whatever may have happened.

Seriously... cunt of a whore!
... and a stinky one at that.

ANYWAY... I've applied for unemployment and I hope it's gone through. It seems like it may have, due to what I see online. Cross your fingers!

What else??

I'm looking for a job and hoping to find SOMETHING. A few leads on jobs.. that's good, but so far it's just been dead leads. Still, I keep looking.

Aside from that... today has been a wonderful day.

Life so far...

2010-08-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

So!

Remember how I said that my parents took it well???

Yeah... apparently my mom changed her mind. I got a very long talking to from my mother last week that included such statements as:
"You never should have let us spend the money on your wedding if you were going to leave in a couple of years."
"I feel ashamed that you let Da5id's parents spend that much money in thinking you would stay with him."
"Marriage is something you try hard on. If you get in a fight all the time with him, so what? Your dad and I get in fights all the time and we're still married."

Yeah...

Part of me wishes that I had disappeared, had changed my number and never contacted them again! Ah, if only! I, however, have that catholic guilt/ need to love my family. As far as I can tell, and as my therapist had said, they're not always the best thing for me, whether they're family or not.

SO here I am in Lexington, hoping to god that my mom doesn't stick with her threat of coming here to "talk" to me. Seriously, am I 16 years old and are my parents are planning on coming to take me "home?" My parents say that at times like these I need my family around since they are the ones that understand me. REALLY?! Really?? Is that why they never got it when I was actually trying to communicate when I was a teenager???

*clears throat*

Yeah, 34 years old and my parents are still treating me like a teenager.

Moving on!

Life's a mess, but still good. Well, things with Stephen and me are good. Life's... trying; a mess.

Quick rundown:
- I didn't pass the test to get licensed by the state for insurance which means that I can't work at the insurance company managing accounts.
- I'm TOTALLY broke. Completely used up all my resources, as I was SUPPOSED TO BE working by now. Seriously, I don't know WHY I didn't keep looking for jobs in those 3 weeks that I was studying for the exam. You know... that thing about putting all your eggs in one basket and what not.
- Stephen is having legal issues because of that cunt of an ex-wife (and my ex-friend). A lawyer was needed so now we're BOTH tapped out in trying to pay the retainer. Phun!
- My health insurance is usable here BUT I need to pay up front and then my insurance reimburses me. Do they think that I have the time or money to wait 3-4 weeks for them to reimburse me??? Fuckers.

Ok ok... all negative so here's the positive...

...

Oh!
- meeting new friends (Stephen's friends and old acquaintances, really)
- Lots of Stephen time :D
- Hanging out at the shops. I really like most of the people who work at both shops.
- I now have 2 cats. Well, Stephen's of course, but now that I live there, well I help take care of them and I talk to them.
- I like my room and my desk in my room where I play on this here computer, Eddie.
- Drinks are cheap
- When we go to Mia's (a bar), if Mary Beth (the owner) is there, she likes to feed me vodka as she's a vodka lover and an old friend of Stephen's.
- Stephen. PATEOTS.

That's what I got so far. Life is good but trying. Everyone PLEASE try to send good vibes that I get a job and/ or unemployment through Oregon REALLY soon!!

Stephen and Evie Bean

That butterball of a cat named Iggy. I think he's trying to be a rug or something.

Evie Bean and a PBR.

Drunk, smoking and taking pictures. You know, like every Saturday night.

At our friend Mackenzie's work party.

Quickly...

2010-07-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, I promise I'll give a full update as soon as I take a study break. Things went surprisingly well, though.

:D

Welp...

2010-07-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm telling my folks today as Da5id decided to tell his. I would have sooner but Da5id didn't want to tell his until he found the appropriate time and our parents actually communicate. There's NO WAY that my mom wouldn't be able to tell them.

Bets on if I'll be disowned for the FOURTH time?? I feel like they might try to fly here to take me to California.

Hah!

I've always said I feel like I'm 16.

That's cheating at Scrabble, that is!

2010-07-23T12:18:00.001-07:00

Ok... a post has been a brewin' since my first week here, and now that I've been here a month (Yes, REALLY!) I think I'm starting to get things in place and my head in the right space.

Huh... that rhymes...

SO... I figured I'd start with pictures of the house. These are just a few and I'll have more of the rest later, but it's SOMETHING, right?

Stephen's record collection... or as Adin calls them, Stephen's big CDs.

The living room with the lovely antique wheelchair. I even got my Lain cel up!

We painted one side of the hallway red, which we think looks pretty damn neat!

My room :D The painting on the closet door is by the famous child artist, Adin ;)

Oh and new haircut! It's freaking hot and humid here so I went REALLY short!

I'll get you filled in more later.... promise!

My turn -OR- Ceci has a boy friend

2010-05-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

See this boyo?

I believe that most of you saw this pic in my last post, but I'm putting it in this one to point him out specifically.

That is Stephen. I think a lot of my friends know him. Stephen and I went to the same high school and had friends in common but never talked. He claims shyness and I claim being an elitist. It's true. We re-met through Maile about... 6 years after? and we clicked! There were late night calls and long talks of music or just playing music for each other, discussing the crazy, discussing our lives. I loved that boy. When he'd come to visit we were inseparable and, again, we would stay up as late as possible. Da5id liked to call him my boyfriend.

So in December Da5id and I came out as poly/ in an open relationship and it was made known that the boyo has a Mae. The way we decided to work this is that we weren't looking to replace the other nor were we looking to just screw around. If someone came along that there was a connection with, we could follow it. It came about because of Da5id's feelings for Mae that were never expected but just sort of happened. I felt no threat and it made sense to me.

Stephen.

How can I put this? As I said, we've been friends for a while. Due to Maile's wedding not working out, I decided to use my vacation time to go visit Stephen and my friend Neely in Lexington. I spent A LOT of time with Stephen and I would be lying if I said there had never been any chemistry there and that I didn't do something about it in Lexington. Next thing you know, I'm in love with boy. I mean... I've always loved him, but I fell fully head over heels in love with him. He's, as I said in my last post, my male counterpart. I admire and adore him, he makes me laugh, shares music with me and understands the depths of the lows and the highs of the highs.

Much talking... wrapping my head around it... several people telling me I was dumb for not thinking this could happen, and boom! here we are.

Like I said, this is very new to me and fairly new to us (Da5id and I) so I've been trying to get my bearings. Stephen and I decided on Monday, what the hell!? We feel like we feel, I'm in an open relationship so let's just jump in and see where it goes.

So there you have it. I have a boyfriend... and I'm pretty proud of him, too. Where will this lead? I don't know right now nor do I particularly care. We all have an understanding and we'll just work it through from there.

Updates - a view in Pictures

2010-05-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

SOOOO I've been here and there and this week is the 34th Annual Ceci Celebration, which was kicked off FABULOUSLY on Saturday at the Driftwood room with a small gathering of friends.

Xiao, Mae, M and me.

Da5id and me

Before Ceci's week o' fun, I was ...well I was sick but that's boring so we're gonna skip that. I was in Lexington, KY visiting my lovies, Neely and Stephen. GREAT time! Exactly what I needed. It was great to reconnect with Stephen and find out just how much of a counterpart we are to each other. He's the male me, and I'm the female him. Late nights geeking out to music and talking, mornings talking about anything that popped into our heads, days getting to really know each other better/ visiting the tattoo shops he works at. Neely and I hung out a bit too and I ADORE her son Jett. He's in a Spanish immersion school and we were speaking Spanish! Too cute. There are ALLLL sorts of other people I met that I adore... and I'm trying to figure out how and when to go back already! Figures, eh?

Stephen and me up late as usual.

Neely and me hanging out at Electric Arts.

My surprise new tattoo that I kind of came up with and Stephen drew up the rest.

The 3 strikes and your out boxes so that I NEVER forget.

So much more but it just ends up sounding like a list so... there we go!

Vacation

2010-05-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

Last week vacation started. It was something that I was looking forward to along with Maile's wedding and seeing everyone. What with the Volcano fiasco that caused almost everyone in the US from being able to go to Europe, I figured I'd take one anyway. So I thought, why not Lexington as I've been promising them a visit since 2008.

Having come to that realization right after I had to get a refund on my ticket, I looked for a ticket to Lexington and bought it a little over a week ago.

So here I am in Lexington hanging out with Neely, Stephen and Sadie, along with Neely's boyo and his roommates. Oddly, it's a lot like being at Casa Stella. I was at Neely's boyo's while Stephen was at work and the kids were playing a D&D Star Wars game while I geeked out on World of Warcraft. Just like home and with friends, old and new, that are just as great.

Lexington is GREAT! It's exactly the vacation I've needed, with lots of awesome talks with Neely and Stephen. Sometimes it's amazing that I can sniff out my own and that we find each other.

That is all for now, but before I sign off I'll leave you with a pic of Furious George who's on board with my type of vacation.

The Making Mischief Tour 2010

2010-04-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

Starring:

Stephen

Neely

Ceci

We'll see what happens when these 3 decide to get together and have fun.

Stay tuned!

Oh yeah, that...

2010-04-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

Remember this one?

It's back.

RIGHT when I could see things a little clearer, felt I could start telling the light from the dark, I have another episode (I even had a post I was working on about the clarity). A pretty major episode.

This time not only did it affect the boyo, but it affected the family. I was yelling, slamming doors and wailing, not even considering anyone else in the house nor their schedules. I feel so ashamed I want to banish myself to a very dark corner somewhere.

That's not very responsible, however. So I will clean up my mess, talk to the ones I hurt, and reanalyze how I'm coping and how to stop this. I at least hope to learn to stop how it unleashes on others; that one is key.

I NEED to!

What I'm looking forward to:

2010-03-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

Get the picture?

... And just like that, one's world changes.

2010-03-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

As excited as I am about London, Paris and Annecy, I can't help but think about my trip almost exactly a year ago to... well, about the same places (minus Annecy).

This year I won't miss Stephen in Europe (seriously just missed him last year - he flew in just as I was flying out) and Amander might go.

However, there will be people missing. Well, in some cases they might have been missing anyway.

This year there's no Amandazon (not to be confused with the aforementioned Amander). This year there's no Liz nor Kat.

Here's the thing... even if they were going, I would not be having a fun time with them. I mean, it's not like I would snub anyone, but Stephen and Amandazon are now divorced, Liz hates me and Kat has stopped talking to me.

Sad, yes.
...

The thing is, despite trying to prevent some of these things (well, obviously not the Stephen/ Amandazon thing... ok, I DID try), it's... just... odd. Odd, how fast things can change. That's life, though. The big moments happen in a blink of an eye - a good intention gone wrong, a blast of uncontainable anger. Forgiving isn't always an option, apparently. I don't quite understand that, however, my therapist said that I just have to understand that some people have things that are unforgivable to them.

So, to friends lost and, although missed, let go, I dedicate this song in honor of good times had last year.

"Oh who put all those cares inside your head
You can't live your life on your deathbed
And it's been such a lovely day
Let's not let it end this way"

Perhaps these things happen because I can't control the crazy well enough. Perhaps I am fucked when it comes to relationships. I dunno, I just know that I'm trying and don't think...I think... that I'm any harm to people.

Maybe I'm wrong; I just don't know.

© londonsquared 2009

"If a prayer today is spoken please offer it for me
when the bridge to heaven is broken and I'm lost on the wild, wild sea... "
~ Sting~

Edited March 22nd, 2010:

Well it seems that the update is that Liz is going.

*sigh*

This is going to be hard... it does hurt to see her, mainly because she's a lost friend and she won't believe me.

Back to the original plan, which really isn't so bad. At least Stephen said he'd be my buffer any day! ;)

My life currently...

2010-03-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

Edited on Thursday March 18, 2010:

So... for those who don't know, I fell down the stairs about a week and a half ago. I've been in on and off again pain and, although it SEEMED like I was getting better, I overdid it and strained my back again.

Tuesday night I could barely sleep because it hurt to move if I changed positions and I had to take 2 muscle relaxers to knock me out. When I woke up yesterday, it hurt to get up, it hurt to move around... basically it just hurt. I stayed home after some coercing (ok, very little coercing) by M and it was a good thing too! I took a muscle relaxer and about an hour or so later I was not feeling much and very tired. I woke up around 12:30pm and got up and talked with Cedric some. He made lunch and I took some Naproxen with my food (like ya do), however, around the time of this post, the muscle relaxer wore off completely and it hurt if I moved positions on the couch. I had to admit that, although the spirit was willing, the flesh was broken. :(

So despite how I felt, I had to admit to myself that the boyo was right and that I have to go into a period of unwanted abstinence.

Grr!

"Well I'm not 17 but I've cuts on my knees..."

2010-03-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm not the girliest of girls. Often times, I can be found with many a bruise and skinned knees. Also, some times (most times?) I choose sleep in lieu of appearance. The bruises, skinned knees, and lack of motivation in my appearance can get to me.

I like that I don't care, but on days like today I think, "Gads! I wouldn't fuck me unless I was my last choice!"

I've been sort of broken for about a little more than a week now. In my clumsiness that causes most of the aforementioned bruises, I fell halfway down our stairs. Owe! Thankfully there was nothing major broken, I was just very badly bruised.

I badly need a shag but I feel QUITE unshaggable.

It's been about 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! That's a bit more than I'd like. The boyo's been busy and I've not really done much in trying to make things any better, so that leaves me feeling... Meh!

I'm hyper-sexual. How much of it needs to be... released, I'm not sure of. Sometimes I wonder if I should reign it in or even try to. Other times I'm of the opinion that I need to get what I need. Generally, it's a means of communication, of love and of trust - no matter who. I like to feel and sometimes that means more than just emotions or hugs.

Maybe it's touch deprivation in that sense - in the sexual sense.

It's possible.

Whatever it is, I feel a need to connect and to feel wanted, loved and close. There are days when I would love to do nothing more than this. Those days I contemplate any person that passes by. However, I learned my lesson a long time ago that that doesn't give me what I want. It looks good on paper, but when executed it's always a mess!

I had dreams about boys last night. Of flirting and getting to know people. Of preening to show just how much better than anyone else there I was, and owning it. It was nothing hot nor steamy; there was no kissing nor sex. There was just that hint of electricity in the air and the longing for the shock, the closeness, the touches.

The feeling never left.

Lessons in Love, part the second

2010-03-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

Well! It seems that my issues are going away. *knock on wood* Let's hope that that wasn't a one time fluke! Haven't slept that soundly in a while! Well, aside from the having to get up and pee in the middle of the night, as per usual.

So ever since I let go of people/ situations, I've been much happier. Mainly I understood that I can't change the way people see things/ understand things and they will always believe what they want to believe. In all fairness, it's what I expect from others, so to do otherwise would be hypocritical. I had to walk away, no matter how dear friends were to me and how much I wanted them to understand the why-s and what-s.

C'est la vie, non?

Things here are going very well. The boyo's happy despite his ridiculous job (it's crazy how much like Office Space it is!). I think mainly what has him maintaining a happy outlook is that relationship wise everything is going well! Family, me, Mae, friends... all just grand! Social life is on the up and that keeps him sane.

Me? I'm in the same boat with the boyo outside of work but work itself is still good here! *knock on wood again* Everyone's just grand! I'm conspiring/ planning my trip to France/ London at the end of April with London and Stephen. I'm sooooo looking forward to it. It'll be fun to wreak some havoc in France with Stephen, me thinks and it'll be great to see London again so soon. Mind you, that does not mean that there aren't other people I'm dying to see as well as being quite excited about Maile and Tim's wedding. Reconnecting with Amander and also getting together so soon after the last trip will be good.

Ah love. It hurts you, it helps you and it weaves its way through everything. I wouldn't trade any of these past and current experiences I've had for the world. So many connections and reconnecting with what I've always know was how I work/ think/ love/ feel has certainly heightened my sense of understanding myself as well as how others fit in my life.

I do know more about love and life than I did before. Learning how it fits and what it means in my relationships (all forms of them) is an ongoing and eye opening process. Having opened myself to what is true to me allows a better understanding of how I love and show it. Because of this, my relationships with those I love are better and stronger for it.

System Malfunction... dysfunction... whatever...

2010-02-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, how do they do it?

So the side effect I hate... I think I'd say the most (even more than weight gain) is in full force.

That's right ladies and gents! The higher dosage of Celexa lowered my libido. HA! (See what I did there??) In an attempt to fix this, we're backing down the Celexa to the original dose and pumping up the Lamictal.

YAY!

Fun with side effects and my sex life!

Seriously, I feel broken and no one wants a broken girl. Oh cruel life! I go from hyper-sexual to non-sexual with no middle ground. WTF?!

What good is life without sex?! The universal question, people, the universal question.

Lessons in Love

2010-02-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

A Softer World

(I wish I didn't have to explain my sense of humor...)

You know, I've had to explain my love life a lot recently. Some of it is because I chose to out us (and therefore Da5id went along with it) and the rest is the subsequent fall out.
...
Well, that is with one exception.

Love is HARD! It's not only hard to find, hard to get and hard to keep, it's also hard to GROW! Did'ja know tha?

A lot of the learning process of these varying steps not only IS difficult but it looks a MESS! Ask any of your friends if they think you and so-and-so are doing well at such times and they're more than likely to look away... or WORSE! Walk away!

I've done this. I've seen friends go through hard times... really hard times... and think, "Oh man! That's not good at ALL!" There were times that I even felt like I should do something. Then I remember the one thing I learned from Bridget Jones' Diary (well, the one non-silly thing) - one does not always see the nuances of a couple's day-to-day life. The couple might be going through some issues that they're working on resolving and, especially in the case of Da5id and me, passionately fight for it and fling words/ do things to try and hurt the other. This doesn't mean that despite all this, it doesn't work. Sometimes it is because of all that that it DOES work.

Essentially, just because Da5id and I hurt each other and sometimes seem like we're hellbent on injuring/ killing each other, doesn't mean that I don't love him JUST as passionately. M put it this way - the first few weeks we were living in the house she wondered what sort of roommates she had gotten. She continued on to say that, after those weeks, she figured out that that's how Da5id and I work; she and Cedric talk, Da5id and I react first then talk later.

I guess the key here is that we talk. Communication IS key and we HAVE learned this.

Da5id and I realize that it gets pushed a little far in our case. We're so used to fighting that it's hard not to. It's not so much that we're used to fighting each other, but fighting for who we are and what we believe in, as my therapist says. Growing up we fought our parents to be who we are and do what we did. In school we had to learn the same. It's hard to stop fighting when it's what we have to do to be us. Basically, we just need to come to the realization we don't have to fight each other nor our friends who truly understand us. Sometimes, though, it's hard to know who to fight against.

I trust Da5id, as I've said before, to kill me and I him. He could break my heart in a second... but if he did, that in itself would be a reason why this no longer worked. I in return would do the same to him. The only way to do that, however, would be if one of us stopped being that person that we both fought so hard to be. The dynamic would change and either he'd leave or I'd leave, depending on the situation/circumstance.

I HAVE met my match and I knew that the moment I realized what I had in a marriage back then was not what was true to me nor what I wanted. I knew that the good friend who listened to everything I felt, did and wanted without flinching was someone that could handle me... and I him. Our so called sins weren't sins to each other, our thoughts weren't silly, and we couldn't hear enough of each others' life stories, no matter how hard they were to hear. Here was my equal; he gives as good as I give and he takes as good as I take.

I cannot put it into words, although I have tried in these posts here and here. Da5id has, as well, here and here.

I had always wished that the ex-boyo could see that Da5id and I were right, that one day he'd understand... and recently he did:

Ex-boyo: the other day i read something

12:43 PM i was stalking da5id

and read some note

me: HAHAHAH

Ex-boyo: and he talked about you and how much he loved you basically

and its weird like

i dont think i really felt like you two had anything special

if that makes sense

and i saw all this

and realized wow

they really are in love

in that really special way

12:44 PM and i felt really happy

for you

me: yes :D

thank you

we're... retarded for each other

Ex-boyo: i dunno if that makes sense

me: no

it makes total sense

Ex-boyo: but its a hard thing to like

come to terms with for me lol

its funny because at this point

any bitter jaded bone has long since faded

so now i can see reality you know

...

We are not conventional nor have we ever done things conventionally; not so much because we want to be unconventional but because we just are. Every time we try to do things by the book, it bites us in the ass and makes a change in this relationship that just doesn't work because we're trying to be something we're not. When we follow our gut, which I'll admit does have a rather unusual inclination, we end up better for it.

I wish I could explain what we have, what we are. We burn as much as we build and, like that fire, we feed on that. How else does a fire live but by having something to consume? Oddly, it never seems to burn out and this is, in the purest essence, us.

If anything, I can only equate us to Heathcliff and Catherine in Wuthering Heights, but a good deal more civil (seriously... I wouldn't marry someone else to spite him and ruin my own happiness).

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it...Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."

Emily Brontë

" 'Cause my heart caught fire... went up in flames..."

2010-02-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

Just some of the people I love...

David

Leigh and Dora

Da5id

stePHen and Neely

Mae

çædric

I love you guys and I'm quite lucky to know you.

Things I like...

2010-02-10T10:17:00.001-08:00

Click on it to read it

This is one of my favorite Neil Gaiman Poems. Every time I see it, I want to buy it. However, every time I want to buy it, I remind myself that there are other things I need that money for... like France.

Daily Om...

2010-02-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

February 5, 2010
Finding Your Tribe
Your Allies On Life’s Journey

Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution.

Part of being human is the search for an individual identity. Bound to this strong need to establish a unique persona, however, is an equally intense desire for acceptance. It is when we find our individual tribes that both are satisfied. Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are without reservation and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution. Among them, we feel free to be our imperfect selves, to engage unabashedly in the activities we enjoy, and to express our vulnerabilities by relying on our tribe for support. We feel comfortable investing our time and energy in the members of our tribe, and are equally comfortable allowing them to invest their resources in our development.

The individuals who eventually become members of your unique tribe are out there in the wide world waiting for you. You are destined to find them, one by one, as you move through life. Sometimes your own efforts will put you in contact with your future tribe members. At other times, circumstances beyond your control will play a role in helping you connect with your tribe. If you look about you and discover that you are already allied with a wonderful and supportive tribe, remember that there are likely many members of your tribe you have not yet met. On the other hand, if you feel you are still living outside of your tribe, broadening your horizons can help you find your tribe members.

However your life develops after you come together with your tribe, you can be assured that its members will stand at your side. On the surface, your tribe may seem to be nothing more than a loose-knit group of friends and acquaintances to whom you ally yourself. Yet when you look deeper, you will discover that your tribe grounds you and provides you with a sense of community that ultimately fulfills many of your most basic human needs.

Thanks

2010-02-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

I'd like to thank all those that are worried about my sanity. It really is very sweet and I'm not saying this in a sarcastic way. What I wish you'd do to better understand it, however, is talk to me. If you're worried... call me and find out what's going on.

The only thing that's causing the crazy to go off right now is being misunderstood (in my opinion) and losing people I love when not given a chance to explain AND SO therefore misunderstood.

Sincerely, thank you. However, it would help you and me if you'd just talk to me about it. I don't understand diagnosing the patient without seeing or talking to the patient.

Also, anyone who is concerned about my meds and the taking of MDMA, here's a little study:

'Reduction of Effects

SSRIs tend to cause reduced physiological and mental effects when taken before MDMA. A study for which there was a poster at the College on Problems of Drug Dependence in June of 2002, administered 20mg Paroxetine (Paxil, a common dosage) orally to subjects for 3 days before administering MDMA. Subjects had reduced experiential and physiological responses to the MDMA. See http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=1388.

An important study by Liechti et al., concerning the effects of SSRI pretreatment on subjective MDMA effects in humans, administered Citalopram (an SSRI) at 40mg by IV and found that the Citalopram reduced physiological and emotional responses:

"The main result of this study is that the psychoactive effects of 1.5 mg/kg MDMA were substantially attenuated by pretreatment with the SSRI citalopram (40 mg iv). Citalopram inhibited most of the psychological effects of MDMA. MDMA-induced increases in positive mood, derealization and depersonalization phenomena, thought disorder, and the loss of thought and body control were all attenuated by citalopram pretreatment. MDMA-evoked intensification of sensory perception, changes in the meaning of percepts, and subjectively facilitated imagination were also inhibited by citalopram as compared to MDMA alone. Citalopram alone also lowered scores on some scales compared to placebo. Most of these changes, however, were clearly due to side effects of citalopram such as fatigue, headache, and nausea, which influenced the mood rating. MDMA also produced marked increases in emotional excitability and sensitivity that, however, were not reduced by citalopram."
See http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=392.

"We investigated the effect of citalopram pretreatment (40 mg i.v.) on vegetative and cardiovascular effects of MDMA (1.5 mg/kg p.o.) in a double-blind placebo-controlled study in 16 healthy volunteers. MDMA moderately increased blood pressure and heart rate, slightly elevated body temperature and produced a broad range of acute and shortterm side-effects. Citalopram reduced all these MDMA-induced physiological changes except for body temperature."
See http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=1073. '

http://www.erowid.org/references/refs_view.php?ID=392

The SSRI that I am on is called Celexa. I feel little to nothing when on MDMA. SSRIs are serotonin dumpers which is essentially what MDMA does. So if you're concerned about my serotonin levels, just know they were fucked before and it takes a HELL of a dump to right me.

This does not mean I should become a regular user, but I would like to assure everyone that I'm not hell bent on destroying myself.

sick AND TIRED!

2010-01-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

You know... there are times when I go negative and cyclical and I'm fighting... for myself, for what I stand for and for what I think is right.

Today is one of those days.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the one who isn't understood, the one that has to be the adult and the one who has to do the understanding. I feel like I'm the one who has to bend over backwards to make sure everyone ELSE is ok.

Here's the problem: I shouldn't be looking at this in a "Why can't I be the one that people HAVE to understand!" *stamps foot* That's what my therapy is for; I'm supposed to gain the tools to live as an adult in my day to day life.

You know what, though??? Sometimes that's really fucking hard!

Today was one of those days.

Today a lot of things were pushed, shall we say, to a head.

I wanted to burn things down. I wanted to watch it all go up in flames. I didn't care about histories, I didn't care if I really loved these people to the core of my being.

I

was

tired!

"I tried; I gave up," to quote Mr. Reznor.

I'm tired of what seems to be chasing after people that, for good or bad, truth or half-truths, left me/ don't want me. I know that I should just take things as I should and I know that not all situations are as dire as they seem... still, still... I'm tired and I would like a moment to be weak... or at least a light at the end of the tunnel because right now... it's VERY dark!

I'm tried of chasing friends to talk to me. I'm tired of trying to give explanations as to what, why and when things happened. I'm tired of people not trusting me, not giving me a chance and I'm tired that my own issues are not taken into account.

Childish, no?

This is not life. Thinking that everyone should understand is not what it's about. There are things that are worse than this. There are bigger problems. My feeling understood, what friends do or do not understand me, is all ridiculous. I get it. I do... and it makes me feel so lucky sometimes that the mental issues are all I have to deal with.

Please, please understand that this does not make it any less real nor easier to handle. Merely, it's what keeps me aligned.

I can't tell you how scared I am that one day I won't know the difference and there will be nothing but monsters everywhere and reality will cease to be distinguishable.

I acknowledge that my... disease? condition?? handicap??? is real, and that doesn't mean I don't have to fight it and that I can't be sure that one day it won't take over.

"let me be weak
let me sleep
and dream of sheep."

I wish I didn't have this reaction. I wish people didn't trigger a kill or be killed reaction.

I wanted to burn it all down. I wanted to destroy whole relationships, sever ties to places and people, leaving everything impossible to restore. I wanted nothing to do with who I am and what I usually do. I wanted to be like what I felt everyone else was like. I wanted no understanding of anyone else's feelings but my own, no one to be responsible for but myself.

I.

AM.

TIRED!!!

...
but I can't. I can't stop being me, can't stop understanding and trying and reaching out. Because of this I will always be open to hurt and I will put myself in odd and awkward situations, good or bad, and for my friends, whether perceived or not.

God I hate it when that happens. REALLY! That usually means that, for me, there's an effect, whether people see it or not. Just because you can't see it or don't believe that it's there, does not mean it's not hard for me nor that it doesn't affect me strongly.

*sigh* How DO I talk about this without sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself??

I'm just tired... and crazy... and things get all screwed up.

I don't want to prove myself to people. I don't want to WANT to fit into your world and have to figure out HOW to do so. Especially... especially... not after all the bullshit I have to deal with when it comes old friends believing my motives and whether or not I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me with this shit??? Me?? Not SORRY???

You know... if I can't understand that someone else has issues too, that I may have to jump certain hoops to get to know you and that I feel like someone is making this all about them... well I guess I'm not playing well with others. Really... really... over all I'm not always so fucking worried about that.

...

the stupid thing is... I will, in the long run and after fighting against the tantrums (had or not), actually do the thing that is harder for me to do; the adult thing to do.

...

That doesn't mean that I won't have a tantrum because...

well.... I'm just tired.

The Nightmare Book

2010-01-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have a journal at the side of my bed that I call The Nightmare Book. I'm also trying to get my other website to mirror it a bit, but with more copy and idea editing, but not for content. The journal is everything I feel, think, see thrown up on paper so I'd like to make it a little more cohesive.

The purpose for it is for me to write out all the stuff I think about that's negative, all the things I'm dealing with when it comes to battling the manic, the depression and the cognitive distortion. This way, it has a release and the concept is that I'll put it in the book and hopefully not let it out into the world. It's also supposed to be a tool for me to go back to situations to see where things went wrong, happened and/ or what triggered it.

I'm still having a hard time actually doing this... and never have I needed it more than this week. It's usually something I do in my spare time, like on the bus or on my break or something. This week I find that I need it near me at all times due to the "assignment" that my therapist has given me. I'm not supposed to physically or verbally react to situations but instead let the reaction happen in me, notice the feeling's wash through me, and try to figure out what made me mad/ if it's valid/ what the trigger is/ how to get past it.

It's only sort of working.

It's really hard for me to do this as the emotions are so intense and it all feels so real, perceived or otherwise.

I'm trying. I'm fucking up. I'm learning. I'm dusting myself off and trying again.

In doing so I'm losing people, but I'm gaining understanding of myself and what I need. I'm also learning how to function a little more normally... Well, at least learning not to see monsters everywhere.

Birthday pants!

2010-01-21T13:25:00.001-08:00

http://www.nataliedee.com

Happy birthday Cedric!!!

Get out!

2010-01-20T13:42:00.001-08:00

I weighed myself and... I'm 10 lbs. from my goal weight! Mind you it's not some number I thought would be a good one to aim for. It's actually the number from 2 years ago when I felt right in my own skin and great! My doctor said that for me, 150-155 was perfect. I don't care if I'll never be 120... or even 140! As long as I feel great... and think I look great.

I haven't even been to the gym before Monday for over a month due to the ear infection and traveling! Krikey! That's not to say I'm not gonna go. I'm back to 6 days a week to help the bipolar *grumbles* I must admit, it does make me feel better.

*does a happy dance*

The Creature ...or perhaps a credo? Manifesto?

2010-01-19T21:34:00.001-08:00

I'd like to thank M for this pic. It's perfect.

SO!

Things are interesting, kids. Quite.

Today is Therapy Tuesday and, although it was good and I got some stuff out of it, I'm still out of sorts. I don't feel like I got much out of it in the "calm down" department. Basically I just feel like working out my frustration and anger.

So there's a part of me that I'm PRETTY sure I've talked about on here before but I couldn't find the post to link to. It may be that I just missed it due to trying to scroll through so fast.

I call this part of me "The Creature."

Why?

It's hard to explain. She's The Creature because she used to come out in manic times and she's also stuff that I try to repress or hide. The odd part? The stuff I repress is not necessarily the bad stuff.

I want to meld her back into me and I want to get rid of the parts that hold me back and try to repress the things I am, the things that repress The Creature.

The truth is that I think I'm brilliant. People say you're supposed to think that to a degree but you never really say it and you generally have a big whopping hunk of guilt or something to keep you grounded. Well, I'm trying to shed that 'cause, really, that's just bullshit.

I think I'm... oddly beautiful. I don't think that everyone gets it and it's not for everyone to get. I don't want some douche, I want someone who can see this girl for who she is, see The Creature. I don't wear makeup often, my sense of style is my own and I'm no Dita Von Teese but I like my figure, my skin and my face. Really as long as I feel right in my skin, I think I'm doing pretty well. The Creature knows this and I think it shows.

I'm hypersexual and I need to acknowledge it. I've been told this is mostly (half??) due to the bipolar. Well, whatever the reason, it's there. I need to accept it and stop trying to repress it. Sex is perfectly healthy... and fun! I don't see why I should feel bad for wanting what I want. This is definitely a Creature thing. She does it, she accepts it, she takes what she can when she wants it. She's learned to calm it down, so she's not that much of a predator these days which is good.

Lastly, of the important things anyway, The Creature... I... know who I am, what I have and that I can do what ever I set my mind to if I just do. I'm one of the best people you'll ever meet. I will say one of because I've met other people I think I'm lucky to know. My friends are lucky to have me... and I know that I'm lucky to have them. The ones that know me, the ones that get me... they're the ones I gain my strength from.

This is me... I'm acknowledging that. I don't make the smartest decisions at times and not everyone agrees with me and my ways, but it's me. So I'm going to stop apologizing for it and start being proud of this kick ass woman that I am.

... and yes, I finally called myself a woman.

World without end.

Amen

Naked but Safe

2010-01-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

A Softer World

This past week I've been inundated with dreams of a sexual nature. People I know, people I don't know, yet always quite graphic. They leave me panting in the morning and quite... bothered... in the frustration kind of way.

Last night I realized ('cause I've been thinking a lot about it) that I'm still having the god damn Catholic hangups! No matter how many people that I'd LIKE to be closer to, I can't get myself to really a) do anything about it and b) think about it. It's like sometimes my mind shuts out any sexual thoughts/ longings/ desires and I feel not much of anything... but yet still do. It's a struggle, it's a battle.

I keep telling myself that I just have to own it, just be me. Something in me and something around me makes me feel that it's just not right, that everything I feel/ want/ think is bad or perverse.

I'm working on it.

I am a very sexual person by nature and I have been as long as I can remember. I like the sensual side, I like things that make my toes curl, that make me shudder. I like the feel of the silky clean sheets on my skin. I like the feel of skin on skin; a soft, silky feeling that I can lose myself in. I love fierce kisses, a bite on the lip, an almost starved need. I love tracing fingers down a back. I love the hard and I love melting into another; all depending on what the feeling is. The sneaking kisses in the dark of a live show, the intoxication that may or may not come from the martinis, the electricity that crackles as you sit with someone.

I know these things. I love these things. I have to work on practicing them and I like this assignment.

:)

"And if you're hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head

If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won't breathe so you can recover

When you're in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It's okay
Tune into that frequency

Don't fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the bed and weak face in the end

cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
cause them people never play the game"

IAMX

Destroyers

2010-01-15T16:53:00.001-08:00

"None of you seem to understand... I'm not locked in here with you... you are locked in here with me... "

Notes from the overground...

2010-01-15T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck in a "meh." What it is, I can't exactly say although I think it may be due to a) my period and b) the aftermath of the crazy.

I am crazy. Sometimes I forget that and I think I'm a functioning person and then, just when I least expect it... BAM! the crazy comes along.

Never forget that my thinking is flawed. Never forget that this brain does not differentiate good vs. bad very well. Never forget that I'm liable to breakdown at any second. Never forget that sometimes I see Monsters everywhere when it's only me.

I hate this.

Mainly because it affects my loved ones but also because I feel like it's an excuse for the dumb shit I do. I don't like making excuses; I always feel like I need to take responsibility for what I did wrong, admit it and learn from it. However, I'm learning that sometimes there's no rhyme or reason as to what I do, sometimes I don't even know it's wrong until too late. Granted, there have been things I've been very cognitive about and I will own up to those as I SHOULD have listened to the nagging voice telling me it wasn't really a good idea. The voice was generally overpowered by thinking that that was the answer, that was the only way. Yet there are times when there really is no rhyme or reason to decisions I've made.

I make my bed and I lie in it, whether it was something controllable or not.

I realize that my friends have a choice to take it or not, to put up with it or not, to be friends with me or not due to the crazy. Well, that is to say that I know that now since the diagnosis. Before I thought it was their fault or my fault or both. Losing a friend was really hard for me because of this. Now... now I see it as fair if this happens because no one but the boyo has to put up with me. Truth be told, even he doesn't have to..

Lately a lot has come to pass. Yesterday in therapy work was done to help me in those times when my brain sees nothing at ALL wrong with my actions or words. At that time they're right; there's no voice nagging or anything. It just is. It's like I'm missing a moral button, sensitivity button or even a NORMAL way to see things button.

Monday I forgot to take my meds but didn't realize it until I was walking home from the bus stop. I took them as soon as I got in the house, thoroughly confused as to how I could have forgotten this and not realized until I had that electric shock buzz-y feeling like a come down from ecstasy. I stared at the bottles trying to figure out if I had, despite the feeling, taken them. As I looked at the last Lamictal, I wondered, was there supposed to be one there or was it that there should have been one left after Monday (I had calculated that as I called my prescription in on Saturday) ? Everything had fallen apart that day. My reactions to people, situations and work. I had a hard time watching Monday night's movie after I took the meds because I felt too much along with the character.

When I got home Da5id cuddled with me as I cried in bed and said it would be ok. I told him I hated it... I hated what happened when I make one little slip up or when the bipolar merely rears its head. He reminded me that I was still suffering from the effects of seeing my mother. She always manages to damage me with the negativity, the cognitive distortion, the bitterness and the bad home life. He says if she does this to me again he's telling my dad that I'm not allowed to see her anymore and why.

A lot of times I forget the bad about the bipolar and I fight for what I like about it. When the bad hits (and it always does) it scares the hell out of me and makes me wonder how I survive and how anyone can live with me or be friends with me.

I am the monster. Never forget that.

MUSE

2010-01-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

So MUSE will be playing my little section of the world on April 3rd and I will be attending thanks to Cedric!

Today they released the video for Resistance, which was filmed at their show in Madrid. I hope that's the stage set for the US tour as well! It's one of the reasons I don't mind having seats a tad far from the stage; I can take in the whole thing!

So I present you the new MUSE video. YAY!

Muse - New Music - More Music Videos

For the boyo

2010-01-12T16:57:00.000-08:00

The 2 year mark of marriage, 9 years of Da5id

2010-01-12T13:19:00.000-08:00

This is my wedding ring.

I love it.

Every time I look at it I smile. It's thin and seemingly barely there; it's like it melded into my skin. The design is intricate and the band is delicate. It's quite strong, though. 18k white gold that has withstood the kind of beating that any ring of mine would get (which is a lot, trust me!).

I think it's an excellent representation of my relationship with the boyo. I think it's why I knew that that was the ring I wanted for my wedding band as soon as I saw it.

I can't remember life before him and I don't want to imagine a life without him.

Happy anniversary, boyo!

I love you truly deeply madly.

"Life is so much dark and light
Day cannot exist without a night
And you will not separate from me
I have a heart that's full of life

I know where the form is changing
I know that the stars will follow me..."

~Bar for Lashes~
Two Planets

"Too bad she won't live, but then again who does?" ... I DO!

2010-01-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

These are strange times. So much went ass over teakettle. We're just hunkering down for the weekend to lick wounds and get ready for Monday's picking ourselves up.

I must say I am thankful for my life and the friends I have. They've been nothing but supportive and currently we at Casa Stella have each other. As Cedric said last night, there's a lot of love in this house. I feel extremely lucky for that.

For those that don't know - Cedric was laid off, M didn't pass her test for her massage therapy license by only 3%, Da5id was demoted with pay cut and I have an ear infection, bronchitis and asthma due to it.

Yesterday's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day made me think about the positives in our lives. I'm happy about the life I have, no matter how odd and questionable by other people. I honestly would never want to be anyone else. I think I have a pretty awesome life with awesome friends who, for the most part, get and support me. The others... well I'm not sure what they like but apparently there is something.

Yes, I'm strange according to some (seriously there are decisions I've made that boggle the mind) and I love my strange life.

I drink too much, I sometimes smoke too much and I have loose morals. THANK GOD!

I don't marry like other girls!
I am a child!
I'm utterly and completely happy how I am.
... and I was born to make life and the world a better and miraculous place for all those I touch.

"Another year, another dilema... "

2010-01-06T12:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a revision of last year's non-resolutions. No one ever keeps resolutions and I find they're sort of bullshit when I make them somewhat material. I find it easier to just re-acknowledge what I'm working on.

Here are 2010's non-resolutions:

- Health: Still doing the gym but now it's to help with sanity. Walking/ spin class/ running once a day keeps everyone liking me ;)

- Writing: This is a constant. I'm going to keep writing, making time for writing, and submitting until something happens, even if it's death that happens. Get me?

- Travel: 2009 was great! Here's to 2010!

- Friends: Well this one is just working on my relationships, but, like writing, this is a constant. I'm very very lucky to have all the good friends that I do.

- Wardrobe: Same as last year: I'm gonna keep on the look out for more Ceci-type articles of clothing and make smarter decisions about what I'm buying and that I LOVE them. I do. I love feeling great in my clothes, especially if I feel great in my own skin.

- The boyo: My partner in crime is BACK! I love him... and I love how much we keep learning and growing. Love this boy!

Coming Clean -OR- Unapologetic

2009-12-20T02:15:00.000-08:00

asofterworld.com

I'm need to do this. I need to be unapologetic for my life. I need to out myself.

I am open... and by that I mean that I'm in an open relationship. I find that I have no problem with it and have in fact always felt like I was wrong in thinking that I should not be this way.

Today I tried to talk to Amander about it who had already heard a little about it from another friend. I get that. Friends get concerned. I do, at times like these, feel like I have to be apologetic for the life that I chose and that I have to tell it as such - apologetically. That's my reaction; that's my problem for reacting that way to the situation. So I tried to tell her and fell into the feeling the situation was wrong because of what I thought she may or may not have heard. I felt like I was trying to belittle and apologize what I felt. Again, my fault.

I want everyone to know that I'm ok with things. I'm not apologetic in actuality for it. I love my life and I love that I feel like I can live it exactly like I want to. I like that I get to be right in the things I chose for myself and I'm happy to know that the boyo is in accordance with me and is my partner in crime.

I know that not all things I chose are conventional and I know that not everyone is going to accept it. They don't have to, I have to. In order to do that I have to accept things and be open.

This is me, this is what I think is right for me.

How does one take every person in one's life aside and explain this?

It has nothing to do with trying to end run a fear that someone will cheat on me and it's not a fear that I have of commitment. It's simply the way I am and the way I know that I always have been.

This is me.

I'm not feeling like I have to apologize anymore... and so this is what you'll get. I'm happy. I'm so happy I can twirl around like a mad woman singing in the alps and yell! This is who I know I am, what I've always wanted the freedom to be and have known that wasn't the status quo but that it worked for me and mine.

For that I love Da5id. For that he's my partner in crime.

I'm finally me... and I won't shy away or apologize.

The buck stops here.

I love my life. I won't trade it for anyhting in the world and I think anyone would be so lucky to be me. Instead.... I own it... I am it... and I won't apologize for it.

"and you shall not separate from me
I have a heart that's full of life..."

Bat for Lashes
Two Planets

To Juggle Jane

2009-12-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

Duality

2009-12-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

Deck the halls I'm young again, I'm you again...

2009-11-13T22:31:00.001-08:00

See that?! I have a new look... well sorter me (HAIRCUT!) but mainly the blog. The bride didn't fit anymore... ANNNNDDD I finally got my blog pointing to my very own domain. Mine.

I'm doing a little snoopy happy dance inside.

Pants.

I'm also working on my other project with Missing Link, Ink. Well... I'm trying to. It's all a great idea... but right now it stands as just that... an idea.

However!
...

However, I feel fierce and new. I'm gaining more insight on how this machine called my brain works and how I, the me that is me, can use it best. I've got a better grasp on the view of things and like a child learning to walk, I'm falling and standing and stepping and wobbling. A lot. Down stairs. Literally.

*sigh*

It's hard and frustrating because it's all about teetering on that edge between giving up and sighing as you dust off your bottom to try again.

Amazing isn't it?